tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-197602652011-08-21T09:12:05.292-04:00Joe Simmons. Comedian. Humorist. Loserist.Random thoughts from a guy who thinks he's a great stand-up comedian.Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comBlogger651100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-46196196752373919822011-04-28T15:40:00.001-04:002011-04-29T04:08:50.305-04:00Comedy is...DifferentWhen I decided to become a comic a little over two years ago, I had no idea what kind of world I was entering. Up until that point in my life, I had always been employed in some kind of profession that required you to be, you know, professional. This meant there were certain assumptions about the way you behaved and just generally ran your life.   Just to cite one small example, in my previous Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-6349593424858682202011-04-22T20:11:00.001-04:002011-04-22T20:31:14.619-04:00Anthony's 4/21/11: Avoiding the ChokeholdThe caller ID said Bryan Hamilton was trying to reach me.  I don’t like answering the phone when I’m driving, but if you send too many of Bryan’s calls to voicemail, you run the risk of a rear naked chokehold the next time he sees you.  I hit the “answer” button. “I’m featuring at Anthony’s tonight,” said the fellow comedian.  “And I got you a guest spot.  Be there at seven.” Notice that nowhere Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-33067849166034051652011-04-19T19:51:00.001-04:002011-04-21T15:09:51.439-04:00So, uh, this is it…  It took about two days, but my new(ish) website and blog are just about complete.  I’ve known I’ve needed a web presence for a long time, but there’s a lengthy list of reasons why I had not gotten it done: 1. Websites cost money. Okay, so maybe “lengthy list” was a slight overstatement.  Call me a cheap ass*, but I’ve adapted nicely to the prevalent Internet marketing thought that every Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-38557215205712402532011-04-17T23:47:00.002-04:002011-04-17T23:59:53.974-04:00He’s Ba-aaack!<!--[if gte mso 9]> Normal 0 false false false MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4ptJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-75323433238830357582009-08-05T22:32:00.003-04:002009-08-05T22:40:07.227-04:00Would You Like a Side of Sucralose With That?Dammit. I’m in the breakfast aisle in Publix, and I have no idea what the hell is good for me. I’m trying to eat more healthfully, but once I’m in a grocery store, I’m a complete tool. And reading the ingredients is no help, because for some reason it is always in Russian or French or some damn language that I can’t decipher. Well, I did once manage to memorize that high fructose corn syrup Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-89979229779358073612009-03-06T17:24:00.000-05:002009-03-06T17:27:52.856-05:00Random Neural Firings on the Flight Home from Ohio(I flew back home to Florida today from visiting my sister in Andover, Ohio. As usual, I was running late and brought no form of entertainment to get me through the long day of flying. I decided to make random observations and write them on a little pad I found in my laptop bag.).First Flight:1. I’m waiting at the gate to board for my plane, and one thing I notice is how nobody talks to anybodyJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-22466239904306012442008-09-12T00:57:00.000-04:002008-09-12T00:58:46.084-04:00First-Ever Live BlogJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-41003871036031575232008-08-23T01:16:00.002-04:002008-08-23T01:38:56.778-04:00So THAT is Why Joe Hasn’t Been Blogging!Three days ago was the six month anniversary since my last posted blog here. From what I hear, you have to post quite frequently for a blog to be successful. Somehow, I doubt posting at the rate of twice a year is going to cut it. That’s okay. I’ve decided I’m alright with the idea of never being a successful blogger. I simply don’t have the desire to post that frequently. And it’s not Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1398479691742367862008-02-20T11:19:00.002-05:002008-09-12T21:53:21.595-04:00The Amazing Super Special London Blog with Pictures and Videos! As many of you know, I took a week-long vacation in London last month. That's right: the land of Big Ben, two-story buses, fish and chips, and a bastardized form of the English language is where I spent eight days and seven nights in the middle of January. It was an incredible experience to say the least. I've been asked several times when I will finally blog about it. I guess "February Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-83737304435825267382008-02-13T11:18:00.004-05:002008-02-14T21:51:36.984-05:00Access Hollywood’s Pat O’Brien Interviews Me and Learns the Truth About Slow JoePat O'Brien: Hello, everyone. I'm Pat O'Brien of Access Hollywood, and today I'm here in Cape Coral, Florida interviewing up-and-coming humor superstar Joe Simmons, or as you most likely know him, "Slow Joe". Joe, how are you doing today? Me: I'm doing fantastic, Pat. O'Brien: Well, 2007 was fantastic for you. Your blog exploded in terms of popularity, you won a few contests, you have Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-73489835266023341712007-08-26T04:00:00.000-04:002007-08-26T04:03:12.934-04:00So What has That Lazy Blogger Been Doing, Anyway?I apologize for the almost complete abandonment of this blog. A funny thing happens every time I try to crank this baby back up: life starts throwing tons o’ crap at me. A lot of it is self-inflicted. I’m happy and excited to announce that I’ve been spending a significant amount of time lately creating and developing material specifically for stand-up comedy. I’ve actually tried writing Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-10667299858489779912007-07-23T15:12:00.000-04:002007-07-24T14:16:08.223-04:00Open Tryouts For the New Hottest Band in the World! (Fixed the Stupid Link)Now that I've shown you how to get rich by doing absolutely nothing, I've developed a foolproof way to become an incredibly famous rock star--with groupies and everything--without ever recording any music!See how you improve your life just by reading my stuff?("Rock Star" link goes to my MySpace blog.)Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-34323036798187597142007-07-21T01:42:00.000-04:002007-07-21T01:59:50.512-04:00Why Microsoft Needs to Hire MeThere is something distracting about a blinking cursor when you are trying to write creatively. Whenever I'm in one of my many bouts versus writer's block, I'll sit there looking at the screen, and the cursor will blink back at me with impatience, as if it's thinking, "Well? Still thinking? Not so funny today are you, Loser?" I think they* should change that. Instead of a blinking Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-74036519591686517632007-07-18T17:16:00.000-04:002007-07-19T14:20:56.658-04:00Jesus Christ, Action Figure (Apostles Sold Separately)I read recently that Wal-Mart will soon be selling Jesus and other religious “action figures” designed specifically for children. Of course, being Wal-Mart, this surprises me about as much as another Bush Administration indictment. But I have to wonder: Who will be buying these things? Can you imagine the “playing” that will be going on in a typical household with these toys? Mom: “Timmy!Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-75290913585203638342007-07-14T00:19:00.000-04:002007-07-14T01:35:43.943-04:00I Got ServedThirty-six. That’s my age, but a part of me basically refuses to believe it. And that is the part of me that decided to go play indoor volleyball last night. I should know better. If I had to describe in five words what my feeling was after playing volleyball for three hours, those words would be “Burning Thigh Muscles of Death”. Well, I suppose “Very Painful Lower Back Contusion” Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-55324539668331730772007-07-08T22:10:00.000-04:002007-07-08T22:17:03.505-04:00My Big Contract Offer to Develop a Sitcom for NBC!!Sorry for going blogless the last few days. Though, there IS a very good reason: I just received a phone call about developing a sitcom for NBC!!**New readers: the link goes to my MySpace blog.Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-85683518813519109862007-07-04T16:03:00.000-04:002007-07-06T01:05:45.131-04:00The Butt-Crack PostcardI just came up with a brilliant idea of how I’m going to become rich, and it involves my butt-crack. I got the idea from the three newspapers I find in my yard every week. Now bear in mind, I don’t have a subscription to any paper. I haven’t had one since about 1999, mainly because of the Internet. Who needs a newspaper when they give their crap away free online? It makes no sense. Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-31514159654234373112007-07-01T23:14:00.000-04:002007-07-02T04:30:44.091-04:00"Phone Check!!"Blogged on MySpace again. But before you go over there, you MUST read the following disclaimer:WARNING: This blog entry contains genuine “guy talk”—the kind of conversation men absolutely NEVER have around women. If you are a woman and want to believe that men never have repartee like what you are about to read, turn away now. However, you would only be lying to yourself, because ALL men haveJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-43553221425317002922007-06-29T18:54:00.000-04:002007-07-03T00:42:11.170-04:00Indiana Jones and the Temple of the DogRemember the movie “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom”? One of the plot points of the movie was that Indy, the title character played by Harrison Ford, discovers a powerful stone called a “Sankara Stone” that, when put in close proximity with another Sankara Stone, magically creates a golden glowing light. We’ve made a similar discovery in my family. My dad and I each have a normal, Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-5437051847108137252007-06-27T23:39:00.000-04:002007-06-28T12:14:17.495-04:00Evolution, Creation, Or Oil of Olay?The origin of mankind has been debated for as long as humans have had intelligent thought. While there have been many different theories as to how we came to exist, the two most popular are evolution and creationism. Evolution is the scientific theory, originally postulated by Charles Darwin, that all life started millions of years ago as simple unicellular beings and slowly evolved into Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-6474964577090358882007-06-23T16:39:00.000-04:002007-06-28T12:16:11.657-04:00Self-Help Books Certainly Don't Help MeFor the most part, I try to keep my social life out of my blogs. This is because I have a lot of good friends, and I’d like to keep (most of) them. However, I have decided to implement a new Statute of Limitations. From now on, I will post funny stories from my social life as long as: 1. It’s been at least 12 calendar months since the event occurred. 2. The story is not hurtful in any way toJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-81397251121959948922007-06-22T14:21:00.000-04:002007-06-22T14:25:16.760-04:00A $100 Guarantee?Sometimes, I have to bribe my readers.(May look hauntingly familiar to some of my long-time readers.)Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-91653780483778137442007-06-18T21:58:00.000-04:002007-06-28T12:17:02.980-04:00The Wasp Exterminator Due to the embarrassing nature of this story, I have to keep the person featured in it completely anonymous. So, no matter how many times you Loyal Readers ask, I absolutely will not reveal that it was my sister Lori. Whoops. I guess there goes that. Anyway, she called me today to tell me there had been a slight emergency in her household. It seems two wasps were flying around in the Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-30424429431015778982007-06-16T15:27:00.000-04:002007-06-18T23:14:29.033-04:00In Case You Were Wondering Where I Get My Ideas From...Sometimes my body parts blog too.(Possible adult language, including a talking, uh, appendage.)_Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-16387848644442174162007-06-14T22:50:00.000-04:002007-06-14T23:07:43.499-04:00Take Me Out To the BallgameFor those that are new to this blog, your loyal loving blogger has a younger sister with a similar smart-ass sense of humor. A lot of our conversations spontaneously become “contests” to see who can either: 1. Persevere the longest, or 2. Irritate the other the most Actually, it is usually a combination of the two. Anyway, what follows is a near-verbatim conversation we had on the Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-36844550422003659132007-06-13T01:06:00.000-04:002007-06-13T01:13:33.637-04:00Cash Only, PleaseTrue story: When I turned 20, my grandma gave me a check for ten dollars. I worked full time and didn't have an ATM card, so the only time I could deposit the damn thing was between 5:30pm and 6pm on Friday, or get up early and deposit it on Saturday morning.Well, The only branch of my bank anywhere near my office was a few miles in the wrong direction in rush hour trafficI hate Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-80719323630716626942007-06-12T01:15:00.000-04:002007-06-12T13:05:39.709-04:00The New BlogWelcome to the improved humor blog! Let me say right off the bat: The new design of this blog is not something I created. I had to use a blogger.com template. I have no clue how to design a website. I asked my sister, who has designed a few in her time, how I could make my own. However, as is usually the case when she answers one of my questions, I tuned her out and fantasized about Keira Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-55527644467709066892007-06-11T11:51:00.000-04:002007-06-11T11:57:41.550-04:00My Apologies For the Lack of Blogging and an UpdateI am in the process of overhauling this blog. New layout, new format, new everything. Soon, there will be a new post almost every single day! I hope to have this completed by Friday, June 15th. Until then, please check out my other humor blog on MySpace. I have been blogging on there like a mother.Um...I assume doing something "like a mother" is a good thing.Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-918763941376244212007-04-27T01:06:00.000-04:002007-04-28T00:05:32.421-04:00Simulation (My First Ever Non-Humor Blog)Imagine that you are given the opportunity to enter a simulation program that allowed you to seemingly go back in time. You would be transferred into your young body during your senior year in high school, or possibly another time in your life you enjoyed. You wouldn’t actually be going back in time; since it’s a simulation, you could do anything you wanted without worrying about how it affectsJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-5030312247364645942007-04-03T16:36:00.000-04:002007-06-13T01:16:59.335-04:00I Stayed Home This Morning and Watched Enthralling, Amazing, High-Quality Daytime TV(Click) "—Are you overweight? Do you regularly get made fun of at parties? Was your nickname in college 'Hippo Harriet'? And your name wasn't even Harriet? Then we here at the Obesity Research Institute have great news—" (Click) "—I'm Wilford Brimley, and I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about Medicare supplemental insurance. Do you realize Medicare hates you? Have you—" (Click)Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-2398932125508330392007-03-05T20:31:00.000-05:002007-03-05T20:47:20.675-05:00Taglines for My Blog (Plus My $100 Guarantee!!)Now that I am part-way to my stated goal of Global Blogging Domination, I've decided that my blog needs a "tagline"—that is, a catchphrase that also advertises it. I have thought of a few that I think have a nice ring to it, but I would appreciate it if you, the Loyal Reader, would help me decide which one I should use. Of course, in order to protect myself legally, I had to add some Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-12298076332419778052007-02-25T20:20:00.000-05:002007-02-25T20:23:10.482-05:00Don't Make It Seem Like You Are TRYING to Get Off the Phone With LoriAt the end of a two hour phone conversation with my sister: Lori: “Well, okay, I guess I’ll let you go.” Me: “Alright.” Lori: “Why did you agree so quickly?” Me: “Huh?” Lori: “I don’t like how you were so willing to go.” Me: “Um…I meant, ‘that’s a shame that you have to go, Lori’.” Lori: “That’s better. Love you mean it.” Me: “Love you, bye.”Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-32832123057828657892007-02-11T00:32:00.000-05:002007-06-21T00:26:50.226-04:00With Me, Even Buying T-Shirts Can Be an AdventureI hate shopping at discount clothing stores. I do it because I am, more than anything else, a cheap-ass, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. I went into Ross Dress for Less today with only two things to buy: V-neck undershirts and black dress socks. I knew where the socks were, so I decided to hunt down the undershirts first. Pop Quiz Question #1: Can anyone tell me exactly which five Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1170629910564738032007-02-04T17:58:00.000-05:002007-02-06T22:34:36.186-05:00My Price Would Never Be RightI found out recently that Bob Barker will finally retire from hosting “The Price is Right” game show, effective early this year. This is sad to me for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that watching the show always seemed to bring me back to my childhood. And why wouldn’t it? In the thirty plus years I’ve been watching it, nothing has ever changed. Same charming host, same gorgeous Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1170271926929599302007-01-31T14:21:00.000-05:002007-01-31T22:23:03.203-05:00May the Force be With You, Even in Your SleepI once read that there is nothing on this Earth more boring than listening to someone else describe the dream they had the previous night. I never really thought about it that way, but it sounds right. Whenever I describe a dream to a friend, I’m as detailed as possible in order to communicate the wild events, as well as the emotional effects that it had on me. Stunningly, this “friend” alwaysJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1153289183245085222006-07-19T02:06:00.000-04:002006-07-19T02:06:23.260-04:00It's All About JoeIt really is.Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1148441805556909202006-05-23T23:22:00.000-04:002006-05-24T00:46:25.266-04:00The Blog is Alive!I’m back.Yes, it has been a while since the last update of Humor, Comedy, Life and Other Random Neural Firings by Joseph Simmons. I apologize for the lack of new content, but I know my loyal readers are understanding of my needed time off. You see, great writers like Stephen King, George Will, Dave Barry and myself all need an occasional sabbatical to get the “creative juices” flowing again. Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1144033938445578172006-04-02T21:36:00.000-04:002006-04-03T09:13:50.236-04:00What Was I Writing About Again?I was taking a shower recently when a question struck me. It was the question that every man approaching his mid-thirties eventually asks himself, and it is an indication of his maturation, experiences, mortality, and where he is in his life:“Um, did I already wash my hair?”Yes. I was actually standing in my shower, water splashing on me, while I wracked my brain for several seconds trying to Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1143646366826340882006-03-29T10:25:00.000-05:002006-03-29T13:40:00.823-05:00My Apologies for Lack of Blogging, Episode 2: Procrastination Strikes BackI am very sorry for my lack of blogging lately. I’ve just arrived back in Florida, having been out of the country for a while now. I wanted to post my latest column before I left, but due to my rigid, strict schedule of procrastinating doing any sort of packing or preparing for my first-ever international trip until the night before I left (“Where do I apply for a passport at 3 am?”), I really Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1142752435932808052006-03-19T02:13:00.001-05:002008-10-07T22:55:51.063-04:00To All the Naysayers Who Said I'd Never Find a Girlfriend (UPDATED!)My latest attempt at dating In case you are confused: no, I have not settled down yet. This picture was taken with a crappy cell phone camera, which is probably good since the "special effects" consisted of my sister holding a Barbie Doll with her hand as she was taking a picture of me on the couch.All you ladies jealous yet?UPDATE: I regret to announce that our relationship is over. While I Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1142024469881427792006-03-10T15:42:00.000-05:002006-03-10T16:14:02.023-05:00Where Would I Be Without the Support of My Sister?(I was on the phone recently with my sister Lori discussing, among other things, a new update for my blog. I’m struggling a little on my latest column, and this is definitely not it. However, I thought this conversation was too funny NOT to post. Oh, and bear in mind that my sister is a website designer with a incredibly expensive digital camera, whereas I wouldn’t know HTML unless it’s Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1141442492056553622006-03-03T22:06:00.000-05:002006-03-04T02:19:20.136-05:00You Just Can't Make This Stuff UpI've been wracking my brains (I have more than one) trying to make up some humorous crap for a new column. Silly me...I forgot the best humor comes from real life:You can’t make this stuff up (Part I): I knew today would be just a banner day from the moment I woke up all the way to the moment I yawned, stretched and threw out my back.Yes. What a way to start the day. I apparently “slept wrong”Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1141355231490665482006-03-02T21:59:00.000-05:002006-03-02T22:07:11.506-05:00Hopefully, My Final Laptop UpdateYes, yes, yes, I know that it has been a while since my last blog. I’m still working on my latest column, and this isn’t it. In fact, this is not an attempt at humor at all. I just absolutely had to post this wonderful piece I just received in my e-mail:We are pleased to inform you the following product has shipped from ourservice department:Product: Portable 450ROGSerial #: xxxxxxxxxxShipping Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1140677217079854972006-02-23T00:47:00.000-05:002006-02-23T01:58:02.900-05:00Breaking the ChainsI know that I should rarely use the word “hate” because it has such strong negative connotations, but sometimes the situation just calls for it:I HATE chain e-mails.For those that have been living in the Antarctic (which is only slightly colder than it has been here) for the last twenty years, a chain e-mail is simply an e-mail that claims if you forward it to a certain amount of people, a good Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1140114665182995802006-02-16T13:17:00.000-05:002006-02-17T01:22:29.850-05:00Winter Sports, the Suicidal WayI am considering flying up to visit my sister and participate in some winter sports, which just proves how prolifically stupid I am. My sister, Lori, lives in a small town called Cashiers, located in the mountains of western North Carolina. It is a beautiful area that, during February and March, can get quite a bit of snow. This allows her and her family to partake in certain winter activitiesJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1139898533993202622006-02-14T01:05:00.000-05:002006-02-14T08:09:53.033-05:00Laptop Update, Part IVI called my computer manufacturer Monday afternoon to find out the status of the craptop I sent in for a warranty repair the previous Wednesday. After keying in, at a conservative estimate, 1,826 touch tone prompts, I talked to someone who said that the latest, most up-to-date news is that they received it safe and sound last Thursday morning.“Wait, no one’s worked on it?” I asked.“Well, they mayJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1139807187904651592006-02-12T23:45:00.000-05:002006-02-13T00:10:00.476-05:00Now For Five Complaints(In order to keep this blog “family friendly”, I had to make small, hardly noticable edits of a very few words that some may find offensive. If you pay REAL close attention, you may see some of the editing.)Complaint #1. I ----ing HATE this --- ---- ------ ----ing COLD WEATHER! Jack Frost can KISS MY ----- ---! GO ----ing AWAY! I LIVE IN --- ---- FLORIDA!Complaint #2. Why is it that every time I Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1139792393705889742006-02-12T19:48:00.000-05:002006-02-13T00:17:15.286-05:00Quick Update to My Quick UpdateI am e-mailing my partially-completed column to my parents' computer to finish it over at their house. The reason I am doing this is because I'm mooching yet another free meal um, I mean, unlike my computer, theirs tends to be fully booted up within approximately the same year that you hit the "on" button. Their computer also doesn't usually require multiple restarts while scolding me for not Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1139553703796223862006-02-10T01:19:00.000-05:002006-02-10T01:41:43.806-05:00Quick UpdateNote to my many loyal readers: I finally got my craptop computer shipped to the manufacturer for repair. Until I get it back (allow six years for this), updates may be less frequent. I know what you are saying. You are saying, “How can it possibly be LESS frequent than it has been?” You should show me more respect, loyal reader. When I become famous, do you really expect me to allow you in my Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1139264876187260182006-02-06T17:24:00.000-05:002006-02-06T17:27:56.203-05:00Coming Soon to This Very Blog: Actual Humor!Due to the immense popularity of this blog (four readers and counting!), I now have people who want to post guest columns. A very good friend of mine named Larry wrote a good article on his view of women and their “market value” in the singles market. I plan to post it online as soon as I have time to draw on my elite web programming expertise and figure out how the hell to do it. Since it isJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1138943190036279412006-02-02T23:43:00.000-05:002006-02-04T02:11:13.736-05:00My One and Only MySpace SurveyFirst and foremost, I have to warn my loyal readers: do NOT join MySpace.com. It starts off as something boring and stupid, yet when you are a member long enough you find yourself on it constantly, looking for old friends, checking your messages, looking at your friends' friends, checking your comments, looking at your friends' friends' friends, checking your messages, Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1138595028536518482006-01-29T23:06:00.000-05:002006-04-03T10:27:51.920-04:00Yes! Even a Moron Like You Can Win!I have to apologize in advance because I will be out of town on business for the next two days and will not be able to update this blog until Tuesday evening at the earliest. I realize the incredible disappointment and even emotional trauma this may cause some of you, so I have a special treat for my loyal readers. You see, I've noticed recently that I can't go to a single website anywhere on Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1138478193048809812006-01-28T13:59:00.000-05:002006-01-28T15:25:32.603-05:00January 28th, 2006: A Day That Will Live in InfamyAs most of my closest friends know, I am a very easy-going, friendly, and peaceful person. That is why it is so painful for me to announce that Humor, Comedy, Life, and Other Random Neural Firings by Joseph Simmons has no choice but to declare war. The story: there is currently a blog on the Internet right now that, at first glance, appears to be a nice, friendly blog about a nice, friendly Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1138258344691780772006-01-26T01:17:00.000-05:002006-01-26T03:34:29.546-05:00Unreliable Laptop Leads to Dreaded "Customer Service" Phone CallI was just working on my latest blog entry, entitled “The Column That Apparently Will Never Be Finished in This Lifetime”, when my laptop computer decided that being a part of this process was just too much for it, so it turned itself off.No, it didn’t give me the “blue screen of death”. No, it didn’t say it “performed an illegal operation and must shut down”. I just heard a “click” and suddenly Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1138079905312096542006-01-23T23:22:00.000-05:002006-01-24T11:30:24.430-05:00Excuses for the Lack of BloggingI apologize for not having made a blog entry for a little while. I've been out celebrating the last three nights. Right now, you are probably asking excitedly, "I wonder what the Internationally Acclaimed Humor Writer Joseph Simmons, who should be awarded, at a minimum, the Pulitzer Prize, for his blogging, plus his overuse of commas and incoherent run-on sentences, which sometimes run-on so Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1137614008264706142006-01-18T13:43:00.000-05:002006-01-21T23:54:15.206-05:00A Pretty Girl Smiles, My Imagination Runs WildI walked into Publix, a local grocery store chain, for my normal healthy lunch (A light salad with diet dressing, minus the tomatoes, carrots, cheese, olives, cucumbers, lettuce and diet dressing, with a sprinkle of a large roast beef sandwich), and as I was walking inside, a stunningly attractive young woman, perhaps in her mid-twenties, gave me a big beautiful smile on her way outside.Now, thisJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1137426717220490532006-01-16T10:51:00.000-05:002006-01-16T11:01:49.186-05:00Maybe This Explains Why No One Calls Me "Humble"One of my very good friends had these made using a service she found in the back of a Rolling Stone magazine. She's given them out to several people. I have about 50 of them left. I would sell them (market value is currently hovering somewhere around "free"), but I am sticking them in random bars, clubs, and of course hotels hosting charitable functions throughout the U.S. Let me know if you Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1137222063975611452006-01-14T01:03:00.000-05:002006-01-26T02:53:20.256-05:00Love Hurts...Let Joe Simmons Be Your Anti-Bacterial OintmentRelationships are difficult, yes. However, meeting someone special in order to get into a relationship in the first place is sometimes even more difficult. I cannot count the amount of times that lonely, quality single people have asked me, “Joe, will you please chew with your mouth closed?” But sometimes they also ask me about relationships.Looking at my profile picture and reading how smooth I Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1137129081427876442006-01-13T00:06:00.000-05:002006-01-13T00:11:21.440-05:00My Guarantee to You, the "Loyal Reader"My sister says I have to post entries to my blog nearly every day. This way, readers have a reason to keep coming back, most likely making it a habit. However, there are some important points I need to make here:1. No one is paying me for this2. Posting every day sounds suspiciously like work3. No one is paying me for this4. I am, uh, “energy-challenged”5. No one is paying me for thisHowever, IJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1136518184400716552006-01-05T22:11:00.000-05:002006-01-05T22:29:44.416-05:00Is a House Without "Window Treatments" a Home?Thanks to recent information given to me by a member of the female gender I now know that, as a homeowner, I’m a complete idiot. I bought my house brand-new a little over two years ago, and was conversing with my sister Lori a few months ago about the purchase. It went a little like this:Lori: When you were going over the plans with the homebuilder, what options did they give you for the Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1135731862326982772005-12-27T20:00:00.000-05:002005-12-27T22:03:29.536-05:00Not Exactly What I Used to Ask For From SantaOne sign you are getting old: You receive an electric nosehair trimmer for Christmas...and it is what you asked for.I don't care. I love this thing. I use it everyday. I have the un-hairiest nose in the United States. At parties I'll now show off my nostrils to the other guests. I'll offer to trim their noses. "Good for any orifice!" I'll call out to them as they are leaving the party sevenJoe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1135731069513676252005-12-27T19:33:00.000-05:002005-12-27T19:53:00.826-05:00Tales of Clothes Dryers, Butt-Cracks, and Unredeemable RebatesSo here I am at my parents’ house doing laundry. I imagine it may seem a little silly for a 34 year-old man to be trekking to his parents’ house for such a chore, but I have a justifiable reason: my clothes dryer is temporarily broken. And by “temporarily” I mean, “oh, for about seven or eight months now”. Surely you are asking: “Joe, why haven’t you addressed this dryer problem that you’ve had Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1135129920163288992005-12-20T20:42:00.000-05:002007-06-21T00:43:44.088-04:00I Had an Air About Me in BostonBefore even starting this blog entry, I have to state this right off the bat:WARNING: PEOPLE OF THE FEMALE GENDER SHOULD NOT READ THIS BLOG ENTRY. THERE IS NO HUMOR TO BE FOUND FOR YOU HERE.I have to state this because the humor in this entry is mainly based on flatulence. Here is a fact: Men find this subject hilarious, women do not. If you were to ask a co-educational group of people if Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1134269494276001472005-12-10T21:49:00.000-05:002005-12-12T15:59:07.066-05:00Never Put it Off...Begin Procrastinating ImmediatelyMy motto definitely could be, “Why do today what can be put off until tomorrow?” However, I think even that may not make clear my procrastination problem. One example comes to mind, and this happened a few months ago (I have procrastinated writing about it until now). I came home from work one day to find that the brand-new telephone book had been left on my driveway. I grabbed it and, not Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19760265.post-1134263607228918142005-12-10T19:58:00.000-05:002005-12-12T15:53:27.616-05:00One Random Saturday MorningIt was a beautiful Saturday morning, which for me meant I was in as great a mood as I can possibly be. Well, as great a mood as one can be when his head is pounding and his mouth tastes like fermented cat urine. As you may have guessed, I had spent the previous night imbibing in cold, refreshing beverages of the kind that do not get sold at Baptist picnics. I’m what most people call a “Joe Simmonshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00597597389018446240noreply@blogger.com