A few weeks ago, I saw a book written by some unknown comedian that was
supposedly about funny stories from the road. I flipped through it real
quickly, which was silly since I never bothered to read a word. I'm not
sure what I was looking for, but I certainly didn't find it. I put it
back.
Right now, I'm in the back seat of a Chevy Aveo on the way to
a gig in North Carolina. This car is Goddamn tiny. I suppose it's
physically possible for me to be less comfortable, but it would require
dental tools. Positions like this make me reconsider every decision I've
ever made in my life.
And that's the thing about comedy: you
have no idea what kind of crazy ass situation in which you'll end up.
For every top-notch comedy club I've ever performed in, I've been in
five other venues that could easily have been sets for a "Saw" movie.
For every fine meal I've eaten on a promoter's dime, I've paid for ten
at some greasy spoon with dust on the picture frames. And for every
comfortable, normal trip I take with other comics...
Okay, that
last sentence fragment was pure fiction. No trip taken with other comics
is normal. In fact, usually they're one of two things: incredible fun
or horrific torture. But no matter which, they are always interesting.
Damn.
I was about to list off a bunch of stories of things I've experienced,
but almost every story includes some element of illegality (not by me;
really) or a serious compromising of morals. Which means they're pretty
juicy. Which means they'll be perfect for MY book. So screw that other
comic. I've got some stories of my own to sell. And my book will be
funnier.
Now, if you'll excuse me, we just crossed the Georgia
state line, I'm sick of typing on this blackberry, and I have got to
find some way to sleep in this padded shelf Chevrolet calls a back seat.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
A Comedian Goes to See a Newborn Baby
Two of my best friends had a baby girl today. It was a
cesarean birth, meaning they cut her open and yanked the little bastard
out. Sort of like the movie 'Aliens', but scarier. Mother and baby
girl Ava are doing very well.
It's their third child. I wonder if doctors are ever tempted to write little notes on the uterus wall for the next doctor. Sort of like uterus graffiti. Imagine the next doctor pulling a fetus out of the mother and seeing, “Dr. Rajah’s mother is a slut!” or “for a good time call Nurse Skankerton” or even “make sure this bitch gets plenty of morphine”. That would be awesome.
I went to see the baby, because friends go see friends’ babies. Plus, it’s not like I have a whole lot else going on. I assumed I had to bring a gift. God only knew what. Beer somehow seemed inappropriate. So did lingerie. So I stopped at a card shop on the way to the hospital to pick up a card and a balloon. I got a blank card because I like to write my own stuff. As for the balloon, I didn’t care what it looked like as long as it was for a newborn girl.
“We have several shapes, colors, and styles,” said the lady at the counter. “What do you think she’d like?”
“I think this four-hour-old baby would absolutely love the shape, color, and style closest to your reach, thanks.”
Seeing a newborn is always tricky to me, because I basically think every baby ever born looks exactly like every other baby ever born, yet I know I’ll get asked the same question that parents always ask: "so does she look like the father or the mother?" I'll want to reply, "If the mother or father looked anything like THAT, they'd never have found a mate to have a baby with in the first place". But, you know, I try to keep my friends. So when I was inevitably asked the question I stood there, staring at what basically looked like an overcooked ham*, and said, “Wow, she really looks like both of you, and your other two kids.”
It worked.
(Okay, just so all of you don't think I'm a complete ass, I did instantly fall in love with Ava, and look forward to being her "Uncle Joe" for years to come.)
*Thanks, Stephanie.
It's their third child. I wonder if doctors are ever tempted to write little notes on the uterus wall for the next doctor. Sort of like uterus graffiti. Imagine the next doctor pulling a fetus out of the mother and seeing, “Dr. Rajah’s mother is a slut!” or “for a good time call Nurse Skankerton” or even “make sure this bitch gets plenty of morphine”. That would be awesome.
I went to see the baby, because friends go see friends’ babies. Plus, it’s not like I have a whole lot else going on. I assumed I had to bring a gift. God only knew what. Beer somehow seemed inappropriate. So did lingerie. So I stopped at a card shop on the way to the hospital to pick up a card and a balloon. I got a blank card because I like to write my own stuff. As for the balloon, I didn’t care what it looked like as long as it was for a newborn girl.
“We have several shapes, colors, and styles,” said the lady at the counter. “What do you think she’d like?”
“I think this four-hour-old baby would absolutely love the shape, color, and style closest to your reach, thanks.”
Seeing a newborn is always tricky to me, because I basically think every baby ever born looks exactly like every other baby ever born, yet I know I’ll get asked the same question that parents always ask: "so does she look like the father or the mother?" I'll want to reply, "If the mother or father looked anything like THAT, they'd never have found a mate to have a baby with in the first place". But, you know, I try to keep my friends. So when I was inevitably asked the question I stood there, staring at what basically looked like an overcooked ham*, and said, “Wow, she really looks like both of you, and your other two kids.”
It worked.
(Okay, just so all of you don't think I'm a complete ass, I did instantly fall in love with Ava, and look forward to being her "Uncle Joe" for years to come.)
*Thanks, Stephanie.
Sunday, August 09, 2009
Do YOU Qualify to Date an Incredible Man? Or Joe Simmons?
(Long-time MySpace friends may recognize this one. Thanks to Jamie Dektas for reminding me of it.)
I'm often asked why I'm seemingly always single. Rarely does a day go by when I don't hear: "Joe, how can someone as charming, handsome, sweet, modest, and adorable as yourself possibly not have a girlfriend?" It's certainly quite a conundrum, and I'm as mystified as anyone else. A few naysayers have tried to hint to me that I've perhaps set my standards too high. Come on. I don't think holding out for a six-foot-tall neurosurgeon/former supermodel with an Eastern European accent is too much to ask.
Okay, okay. Maybe I am being too choosy. This is why, solely as a service to any potential mates out there, I've developed a multiple choice test that determines your "Joe-worthiness". Now, I'm sure your immediate reaction is, "Wow, Joe! This looks like it was a lot of work! Thank you so much!" Think nothing of it; I constantly deliberate about nothing but helping out my friends. Now, let's begin:
1. Look inside your pants right now. What do you see?
a) A vagina
b) A penis
c) It's too hairy to tell for sure
Note: If you answered anything other than "a", you may go ahead and put your pencil (haha!) down.
2. What is your opinion of high heel shoes?
a) They're painful to wear and designed to make women look like sex objects. I don't own any.
b) They're fashionable and fun to wear for short periods of time.
c) I think they should enact a law that women have to wear at least four-inch heels at all times, even during labor.
3. How soon is sex appropriate in a relationship?
a) I would only feel comfortable having sex after we're married.
b) I think sex is fine at a point where we both feel committed to each other.
c) I'm getting horny just reading this test.
4. What kind of work habits or employment are you seeking in a mate?
a) I expect that he work fairly hard to provide for his family.
b) I have a career as well, so we just need to strike a good work/life balance.
c) Work? As soon as I receive this multi-million dollar divorce settlement, you and I can travel around the world!
5. What is your opinion of threesomes?
a) They're disgusting. Sex should be between one man and one woman.
b) Though I prefer just to have sex with my mate, I'd be willing to experiment with another woman.
c) I plan on bringing home a different hot babe for us every night, if that's okay.
6. What is the most important thing in your purse right now?
a) Mace
b) Cell phone
c) Condoms
7. What is your opinion of pornography?
a) I detest it. It makes women out to be nothing but sex providers.
b) I enjoy watching it with my mate from time to time.
c) It ain't as glamorous as people think, but it pays my bills.
8. What is your opinion of football?
a) Professional sports are idiotic. The time spent watching them could be better used in a relationship.
b) Football is okay. He can watch it while I do my own thing.
c) Football is fantastic! Not only will I watch, I'll fetch the beer and pretzels during commercials!
9. How do you feel about masturbation?
a) The Bible says it is a sin, so no masturbation will be allowed in my house.
b) I am comfortable with my man meeting his own needs when I am not around.
c) If he can find time to masturbate in between the seven times a day we'll be having sex, bully for him.
10. What is your tongue?
a) The part of your body that discerns taste.
b) A playful way to kiss.
c) A sex organ.
d) All of the above, all at the same time.
Now, all you have to do is write down your answers and mail them to me. All those with passing test scores will immediately be sent the "Joe Simmons Dating Preparedness Pack", which includes advanced testing materials such as:
* A tape measure, with handy markings on it that illustrate important relationship values such as "your waist should not exceed this mark", "your thighs should not exceed this mark", "your breasts hopefully exceed this mark", etc.
* A username and password for a YouTube account so that you can upload a video of yourself (from head to toe) vocalizing why you should be my girlfriend.
* And a copy of the bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. (Trust me; it's a real timesaver for me when girls own this book.)
If, after the advanced testing, you are deemed the best choice: you win! However, you should know that I hate dating so we'll pretty much just be hanging out at my house. Or yours, if it's nicer.
Geez, I'm such a great guy. Why on Earth am I still single?
I'm often asked why I'm seemingly always single. Rarely does a day go by when I don't hear: "Joe, how can someone as charming, handsome, sweet, modest, and adorable as yourself possibly not have a girlfriend?" It's certainly quite a conundrum, and I'm as mystified as anyone else. A few naysayers have tried to hint to me that I've perhaps set my standards too high. Come on. I don't think holding out for a six-foot-tall neurosurgeon/former supermodel with an Eastern European accent is too much to ask.
Okay, okay. Maybe I am being too choosy. This is why, solely as a service to any potential mates out there, I've developed a multiple choice test that determines your "Joe-worthiness". Now, I'm sure your immediate reaction is, "Wow, Joe! This looks like it was a lot of work! Thank you so much!" Think nothing of it; I constantly deliberate about nothing but helping out my friends. Now, let's begin:
1. Look inside your pants right now. What do you see?
a) A vagina
b) A penis
c) It's too hairy to tell for sure
Note: If you answered anything other than "a", you may go ahead and put your pencil (haha!) down.
2. What is your opinion of high heel shoes?
a) They're painful to wear and designed to make women look like sex objects. I don't own any.
b) They're fashionable and fun to wear for short periods of time.
c) I think they should enact a law that women have to wear at least four-inch heels at all times, even during labor.
3. How soon is sex appropriate in a relationship?
a) I would only feel comfortable having sex after we're married.
b) I think sex is fine at a point where we both feel committed to each other.
c) I'm getting horny just reading this test.
4. What kind of work habits or employment are you seeking in a mate?
a) I expect that he work fairly hard to provide for his family.
b) I have a career as well, so we just need to strike a good work/life balance.
c) Work? As soon as I receive this multi-million dollar divorce settlement, you and I can travel around the world!
5. What is your opinion of threesomes?
a) They're disgusting. Sex should be between one man and one woman.
b) Though I prefer just to have sex with my mate, I'd be willing to experiment with another woman.
c) I plan on bringing home a different hot babe for us every night, if that's okay.
6. What is the most important thing in your purse right now?
a) Mace
b) Cell phone
c) Condoms
7. What is your opinion of pornography?
a) I detest it. It makes women out to be nothing but sex providers.
b) I enjoy watching it with my mate from time to time.
c) It ain't as glamorous as people think, but it pays my bills.
8. What is your opinion of football?
a) Professional sports are idiotic. The time spent watching them could be better used in a relationship.
b) Football is okay. He can watch it while I do my own thing.
c) Football is fantastic! Not only will I watch, I'll fetch the beer and pretzels during commercials!
9. How do you feel about masturbation?
a) The Bible says it is a sin, so no masturbation will be allowed in my house.
b) I am comfortable with my man meeting his own needs when I am not around.
c) If he can find time to masturbate in between the seven times a day we'll be having sex, bully for him.
10. What is your tongue?
a) The part of your body that discerns taste.
b) A playful way to kiss.
c) A sex organ.
d) All of the above, all at the same time.
Now, all you have to do is write down your answers and mail them to me. All those with passing test scores will immediately be sent the "Joe Simmons Dating Preparedness Pack", which includes advanced testing materials such as:
* A tape measure, with handy markings on it that illustrate important relationship values such as "your waist should not exceed this mark", "your thighs should not exceed this mark", "your breasts hopefully exceed this mark", etc.
* A username and password for a YouTube account so that you can upload a video of yourself (from head to toe) vocalizing why you should be my girlfriend.
* And a copy of the bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. (Trust me; it's a real timesaver for me when girls own this book.)
If, after the advanced testing, you are deemed the best choice: you win! However, you should know that I hate dating so we'll pretty much just be hanging out at my house. Or yours, if it's nicer.
Geez, I'm such a great guy. Why on Earth am I still single?
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Would You Like a Side of Sucralose With That?
Dammit. I’m in the breakfast aisle in Publix, and I have no idea what the hell is good for me. I’m trying to eat more healthfully, but once I’m in a grocery store, I’m a complete tool. And reading the ingredients is no help, because for some reason it is always in Russian or French or some damn language that I can’t decipher. Well, I did once manage to memorize that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) means Instant Death (ID). If you ingest it, you actually collapse right there at the table. At least, that’s what my sister Lori thinks.
Since I can’t afford a personal nutritionist, Lori serves that function, albeit by phone. She lives in northeast Ohio, where her husband Doug hunts and fishes for all of their meat and she tends to a garden for all of their vegetables. They also scour the Internet daily for the latest conspiracy theories, like how HFCS is an example of big corporations trying to kill us.
There’s not a whole lot to do in northeast Ohio.
Nutty theories aside, Lori is a good resource for all things diet, so she’s gotten used to phones calls like this from me:
Ring! Ring!
Doug: “Lori, answer it!”
Lori: “I’m doing the dishes! Why don’t YOU answer it?”
Doug: “I can’t hear you over that phone ringing! Answer it!”
Lori: (drying off her hands to answer it) “Damn lazy ass.” (Into phone) “Hello?”
Me, yelling over the sound of a loud bar at Happy Hour: “IS RANCH DRESSING LOW CARB?!?”
Lori: “As long as you don’t go overb—”
Me, to someone else: “Dude, shut the hell up. I’m talking to my sister. Just because I don’t want to be a lard ass like you doesn’t make me a homo. Now get me a beer, Fat Boy.” (Into phone) “What was that, Lori?”
Lori: “If you’ll eat it you’ll die”.
Me: “Thanks!” (click)
She actually usually gives me accurate information, but I guess over the years she’s grown a little tired of administering this free service. Which is why I’m standing here right now trying to figure out which hot cereal will lower my cholesterol and which ones will assassinate me.
I give up. I’ve been staring at this stupid shelf for ten minutes now. It’s time to call my nutritionist.
Ring! Ring!
Lori: “Areyoubleeding?”
Me: “Uh, what? No!”
Lori: “Ihaveguestsseeyoulater!”
Me: “Wait! Didn’t you say sucralose is the same thing as HFCS?”
Lori: “Noyouidiotbutit’sbaddon’tbuyitloveyoubyebye!” (Click)
Well, I guess I learned two things: One, don’t buy anything with sucralose. And two, when it comes to nutritionists, you get what you pay for.
Since I can’t afford a personal nutritionist, Lori serves that function, albeit by phone. She lives in northeast Ohio, where her husband Doug hunts and fishes for all of their meat and she tends to a garden for all of their vegetables. They also scour the Internet daily for the latest conspiracy theories, like how HFCS is an example of big corporations trying to kill us.
There’s not a whole lot to do in northeast Ohio.
Nutty theories aside, Lori is a good resource for all things diet, so she’s gotten used to phones calls like this from me:
Ring! Ring!
Doug: “Lori, answer it!”
Lori: “I’m doing the dishes! Why don’t YOU answer it?”
Doug: “I can’t hear you over that phone ringing! Answer it!”
Lori: (drying off her hands to answer it) “Damn lazy ass.” (Into phone) “Hello?”
Me, yelling over the sound of a loud bar at Happy Hour: “IS RANCH DRESSING LOW CARB?!?”
Lori: “As long as you don’t go overb—”
Me, to someone else: “Dude, shut the hell up. I’m talking to my sister. Just because I don’t want to be a lard ass like you doesn’t make me a homo. Now get me a beer, Fat Boy.” (Into phone) “What was that, Lori?”
Lori: “If you’ll eat it you’ll die”.
Me: “Thanks!” (click)
She actually usually gives me accurate information, but I guess over the years she’s grown a little tired of administering this free service. Which is why I’m standing here right now trying to figure out which hot cereal will lower my cholesterol and which ones will assassinate me.
I give up. I’ve been staring at this stupid shelf for ten minutes now. It’s time to call my nutritionist.
Ring! Ring!
Lori: “Areyoubleeding?”
Me: “Uh, what? No!”
Lori: “Ihaveguestsseeyoulater!”
Me: “Wait! Didn’t you say sucralose is the same thing as HFCS?”
Lori: “Noyouidiotbutit’sbaddon’tbuyitloveyoubyebye!” (Click)
Well, I guess I learned two things: One, don’t buy anything with sucralose. And two, when it comes to nutritionists, you get what you pay for.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Revenge of the Facebook Survey
(Because I seemingly get tagged in every single facebook
survey ever written, I finally did one myself. Unfortunately, this one
got a little out of control. The ones who are tagged can do this one if
they like, but I'm warning you: You may die. Also, MySpace friends may
recognize a few questions on here. Hey, it's okay for me to plagiarize
myself, okay?)
1. Where did you take your profile pic?
I was performing standup at Reserve. Also, I was on fire. I mistakenly thought it would make me funnier.
2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
The same clothes I wore out last night. Though I did change into a thong for comfort.
3. What is your current problem?
I am currently looking for new employment but have absolutely no motivation to be employed. Unless, of course, you are a potential employer scanning my profile, in which case I'm extremely motivated to work hard in order to achieve the goals that will make your company great.
4. What makes you happy most?
Writing humor, whether it is standup, a humor essay, or a shitty survey like this.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Listen, you dumbass survey: I’m male. That means I can’t multitask. So I can’t have music on when I’m writing any more than a typical girl can talk on a cell phone while driving. Unless this is a potential employer, in which case multitasking makes me stronger.
6. Any celeb you would marry?
Who created this survey? A middle schooler? This is a stupid, silly, immature question. And, Keira Knightley.
7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Nobody. This is true. I’m the first and only person every born on January 23rd.
8. Ever sang by yourself in front of a large audience?
No, but I have simulated sex with other species on stage. I bet that so-called “entertainer” Justin Timberlake has never tried that.
9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes. I get Keanu Reeves and the lead singer from Hoobastank, which I’m cool with. Then I also get Jerry Seinfeld and Gilbert Gottfried, which makes me want to dunk my face in a McDonald’s deep fryer.
10. Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
Why did you spell “kiddie” two different ways? And why do say “kiddie” in the first place? Use “children’s”. “Kiddie” makes me think that answering this question will earn me a sit-down with Chris Hansen.
11. Do you know any languages?
Ooog. Ungff. No me know no language. Me hungry!
12. I’m getting the feeling you are starting to mock me.
Um, what? That’s not a question.
13. You think you’re better than I am, don’t you?
Yes, but only because I am an actual human being and you are a stupid shitty survey. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
14. You are really starting to annoy me. Us facebook surveys are a little tired of all you dumbasses responding to our questions with half-ass or smartass answers, thinking you're funny when in general, most of you really suck at humor.
Okay, hang on a second here: how are you responding to me?
15. Sorry, dickhead. I'm the survey, I ask the questions. Speaking of, let's turn it up a notch. Honestly, why aren't you married yet?
That's none of your business. Besides, I just haven't met the right—
16. You're gay, aren't you? You're a flaming homo!
NO I ABSOLUTELY AM NOT. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But I assure you I'm 100% heterosexual. Listen, I don't have to finish this stupid survey—
17. Whatever, queerbait. Honestly, when was the last time you got laid?
I generally don't talk about my sex life on—
18. Chicken.
I am NOT a chi—
19. BWAWK BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!
What the hell kind of crazy survey is this? You're making fun of me?
20. Stop dodging the question.
I'm not answering it! Up yours! I only started this stupid survey because I was bored!
21. Ohhhh…"Mr. Hot-Shot Comedian" is too good for us lowly facebook surveys unless he's reeeally bored.
Listen, I've got nothing against surveys. It's just that I usually focus my creative energy on my material.
22. Yeah, I've heard your stuff. You really should stick to surveys.
Screw you. I like my work. Now I insist you answer my question: How in the hell is a facebook survey responding to my answers?
23. Oh, that's easy.
So? What's the answer? How are you doing it?
24. The answer is: you're not right in the head.
What?
25. You know I'm right, don't you?
Shut up.
1. Where did you take your profile pic?
I was performing standup at Reserve. Also, I was on fire. I mistakenly thought it would make me funnier.
2. What exactly are you wearing right now?
The same clothes I wore out last night. Though I did change into a thong for comfort.
3. What is your current problem?
I am currently looking for new employment but have absolutely no motivation to be employed. Unless, of course, you are a potential employer scanning my profile, in which case I'm extremely motivated to work hard in order to achieve the goals that will make your company great.
4. What makes you happy most?
Writing humor, whether it is standup, a humor essay, or a shitty survey like this.
5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
Listen, you dumbass survey: I’m male. That means I can’t multitask. So I can’t have music on when I’m writing any more than a typical girl can talk on a cell phone while driving. Unless this is a potential employer, in which case multitasking makes me stronger.
6. Any celeb you would marry?
Who created this survey? A middle schooler? This is a stupid, silly, immature question. And, Keira Knightley.
7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Nobody. This is true. I’m the first and only person every born on January 23rd.
8. Ever sang by yourself in front of a large audience?
No, but I have simulated sex with other species on stage. I bet that so-called “entertainer” Justin Timberlake has never tried that.
9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes. I get Keanu Reeves and the lead singer from Hoobastank, which I’m cool with. Then I also get Jerry Seinfeld and Gilbert Gottfried, which makes me want to dunk my face in a McDonald’s deep fryer.
10. Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
Why did you spell “kiddie” two different ways? And why do say “kiddie” in the first place? Use “children’s”. “Kiddie” makes me think that answering this question will earn me a sit-down with Chris Hansen.
11. Do you know any languages?
Ooog. Ungff. No me know no language. Me hungry!
12. I’m getting the feeling you are starting to mock me.
Um, what? That’s not a question.
13. You think you’re better than I am, don’t you?
Yes, but only because I am an actual human being and you are a stupid shitty survey. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
14. You are really starting to annoy me. Us facebook surveys are a little tired of all you dumbasses responding to our questions with half-ass or smartass answers, thinking you're funny when in general, most of you really suck at humor.
Okay, hang on a second here: how are you responding to me?
15. Sorry, dickhead. I'm the survey, I ask the questions. Speaking of, let's turn it up a notch. Honestly, why aren't you married yet?
That's none of your business. Besides, I just haven't met the right—
16. You're gay, aren't you? You're a flaming homo!
NO I ABSOLUTELY AM NOT. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But I assure you I'm 100% heterosexual. Listen, I don't have to finish this stupid survey—
17. Whatever, queerbait. Honestly, when was the last time you got laid?
I generally don't talk about my sex life on—
18. Chicken.
I am NOT a chi—
19. BWAWK BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!
What the hell kind of crazy survey is this? You're making fun of me?
20. Stop dodging the question.
I'm not answering it! Up yours! I only started this stupid survey because I was bored!
21. Ohhhh…"Mr. Hot-Shot Comedian" is too good for us lowly facebook surveys unless he's reeeally bored.
Listen, I've got nothing against surveys. It's just that I usually focus my creative energy on my material.
22. Yeah, I've heard your stuff. You really should stick to surveys.
Screw you. I like my work. Now I insist you answer my question: How in the hell is a facebook survey responding to my answers?
23. Oh, that's easy.
So? What's the answer? How are you doing it?
24. The answer is: you're not right in the head.
What?
25. You know I'm right, don't you?
Shut up.
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