Monday, May 21, 2012
First off, I've never understood how people walking around in circles fights cancer. I understand that they accept pledges that a certain amount of money will be received if they walk for a certain amount of time, but, uh, what's wrong with someone just donating money for, you know, the cause? Are there really people out there that think, "look, those namby-pamby cancer patients aren't getting my money for nothing. Maybe if somebody sweats for me."
From what I remember, sweating was something a lot of those walkers could stand to do anyway. It's ingenious how they convinced people to pay them to get their fat asses off the couch, where they then could feel good about themselves for sending that money to the "fight against cancer".
Jeez, I sound like a douchebag. And I haven't even gotten to the story yet.
Anyway, right before showtime, veteran comic Bryan Hamilton rounded up myself and the few other comics and told us the ground rules. Basically, no cursing or adult subjects. Which basically removed about 95% of my act back then. I had to go to some very mediocre jokes, including one I had discarded long ago about how self-centered the local news is in their reporting of world events. Now, every single time I had told this joke previously,
1. I never mentioned a specific news organization, and
2. No one ever laughed.
Well, #2 remained consistent, but for whatever dumbass reason, I decided to add "you know how you watch local news, like ABC-7 or Fox 4..." to the bit. A bit that makes the anchors seem kind of stupid.
Well, guess who turns out to be a HUGE sponsor of Walk For Life? And happened to have a HUGE booth in the middle of the football field inside the track, with anchors and reporters signing autographs? Yeah, that would be Fox 4, who apparently didn't see the humor in me saying that if Key West fell into the ocean, they'd only report on how it affected traffic in Southwest Florida.
The next day, a representative of Fox 4 called Walk For Life and threatened to pull sponsorship completely. I never knew how the conversation went, but when I imagine it, Fox 4 says "Quit hurting our feelings, or your fight against cancer can go fuck itself". Whatever was said, I got a tongue-lashing from Bryan. Oh, and we haven't been booked by Relay For Life ever since.
I love you all. Make me famous.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
If you followed a link from twitter or facebook to this piece, there is an excellent chance you have no idea what the above title refers to. And that’s okay. My fault, really. You’re not the lazy ass that constantly abandons blogs.
You see, this place is where it all began for me. On December 10th, 2005, on my way to my parents’ house for breakfast, I ran out of gas and had to call my dad to come get me. I was pissed, of course, but in some detached portion of my brain, I was laughing at myself hysterically. I decided I had to share the experience somehow. And since I was (and still am) such a fan of Dave Barry’s humor columns, I decided to open up a Blogger account and post my first-ever humor column on the experience.
It got a tremendous response. And by “tremendous response” I mean that nobody read it. I had to beg people to go to my blog. I had several phone conversations like this:
My sister Lori: Hello?
Me: Hey sis. I started a blog, and wrote an essay I’m really proud of. Could you take a look at it?
Lori: Sure! No problem. I’ll get right to it.
Me: No, I mean, right now.
Lori: Oh, look, I have another call…
But, amazingly enough, in time I built up a pretty strong readership, with several hundred hits every time I posted a new blog. So I made sure to leverage that popularity in the only I way I knew how: abandonment. It was amazingly stupid, because getting a following is difficult, but I guess I just felt so much pressure to be funny that I had to step away.
Since that time, I’ve had two MySpace blogs, a Tumblr blog, and a standup comedy career begin to blossom. I decided a few weeks ago I really need to start blogging again just to keep my wit sharp, and, of course, to update my friends and fans as to how everything is going. So, what better place than my original blog?
So here I am. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to go, but I can give you an educated guess. My initial instinct is to blog rather consistently, like 3-4 times per week, but instead of long humor essays like I used to, I’ll be posting shorter updates, based heavily on my standup. Of course, I know myself. The updates will probably turn into long essays. But if that happens, it happens. At least it will be good, funny content.
It feels good to be home.