Thursday, February 23, 2006

Breaking the Chains

I know that I should rarely use the word “hate” because it has such strong negative connotations, but sometimes the situation just calls for it:

I HATE chain e-mails.

For those that have been living in the Antarctic (which is only slightly colder than it has been here) for the last twenty years, a chain e-mail is simply an e-mail that claims if you forward it to a certain amount of people, a good thing will happen to you; If you ignore it, I don’t know, I guess your family will eat you or something. Chain e-mails are only forwarded on by a certain gullible, illogical segment of society. In order not to embarrass anyone, I’ll refer to this particular segment using only the term “women”.

Yes, it is ALWAYS women. I have no idea why women believe what they read in chain e-mails. Maybe the Y chromosome is what gives a person the ability to discern a serious message from a prank. Maybe estrogen is logic-depleting hormone. Maybe testosterone makes you intelligent enough to realize that forwarding an e-mail message will not give 7 cents to the Make-A-Wish Foundation or help pay for an imaginary child's bone marrow transplant (Why didn't I think of this? To think all this time I've been frittering my money away on health insurance). I don’t know. I do know this: ever since I got on the Internet in 1995, I have never, ever received a chain e-mail from a man. We men are simply too busy to spend time on such stupid nonsense. We use the Internet for serious business, like writing memos, checking stocks, forwarding nasty jokes, viewing pornography, etc.

The thing is, it is usually hard to get mad at the generally well-intentioned women who send chain e-mails to me, because all they are guilty of is having the common sense of road tar. That is why I usually send a very polite note back to them that says something like “please die already” or “have you thought about a lobotomy?” I wish I could send a message to every woman in the world who ever forwarded a chain e-mail saying:

Attention Moron:

1. Good things don’t happen as a result of sending chain e-mails.
2. Bad things don’t happen as a result of not sending chain e-mails.
3. A bad thing WILL happen as a result if you ever send ME a chain e-mail.

Your loving blogger,
Joe

P.S. Are you smoking hot? If so, I was only kidding about the “moron” thing. And, what are you doing Friday?

But it wouldn’t make a difference. No matter what anyone says, women won’t stop forwarding this crap. Like the old saying goes, “There’s a sucker born every minute” (this explains my burgeoning readership). So I guess I have no choice but to take full advantage of it. In fact, I’ve already started. That’s right…you are now reading a chain blog. You have to forward the link to this blog to ten of your friends in the next twenty minutes. If you do, something good will happen to you in the next twenty-four hours. If you don’t, something horrible will happen to you by the end of the day.

This is absolutely true! Ken Simmons of Cape Coral, FL forwarded this blog, and won the lottery without even buying a ticket. Doug Holland of Cashiers, NC failed to forward it and had his arm yanked out of its socket by a wood chipper. Evita Iljenkova of Riga, Latvia forwarded it to twelve people, and she received a call from a long-lost friend. Allan Wells of Atlanta, GA ignored it and died from a heart attack related to a fried pork skins overdose. Jason Teeters of Fort Myers, FL forwarded it and got a call from an NFL team for a tryout. Troy Neher of Plant City, FL failed to forward it and got hit by a municipal bus. Larry Roth of Farmington, MI forwarded this blog and became engaged to be married. Also, something good happened to him. Domenic J. Valentine of Cape Coral, FL ignored this blog and got slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Traci Wilcox of Cape Coral, FL forwarded this blog and got a huge raise despite the fact that she is not employed. Lori Holland of Cashiers, NC didn’t forward this link and suffered a concussion in a sledding accident. (Luckily this only affects the brain, so no real loss was suffered here.)

So don’t be a fool! Learn from the mistakes of these 100% true examples! You CAN control your own destiny! Start by sending this website's link to everyone you know!

Only, don’t send it to me.

52 comments:

  1. Bro, I'm not sure about the gender thing when it comes to chain emails. While I've received chain emails from our Mom (amongst all other kinds of emails), I've yet to receive any email of any kind from Dad. The MALE part of the couple that lived next door to us before we moved from FL forwards all kinds of stuff (including a chain). That figure is a full 20% of the people that email me. Your hypothesis and it's flawed conclusion are, however, amusing.

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  2. Shoot, in this case, I wish what I read was true (my hefty raise)! Despite being a woman, I must confess, that I do agree with the notion that most chains are sent by women.

    However, I do not believe this to be solely due to their naive or gullible nature, but simply to the fact that they actually communicate more than their XY counterparts. Not that everything they convey makes perfect sense, but as a whole, women appear to be more active in cyberspace when it comes to sharing information - ALL types of information.

    While I too am no fan of the chain letter and in fact, remove ridiculous predictions from them prior to sending, I must say that there are those times where the content of the message minus the false prophecy is worthwhile.

    All the same, thanks for the reference and I can't wait to celebrate my new raise! Guess I'll be buying a lottery ticket too - what the heck!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wonder if those Powerball winners read forwarded e-mails?

    I actually receive the most forwarded junk e-mail from two MEN -- and one of them tends to send everything twice! Perhaps there is something to question there??

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  4. Oh I am so glad that this was forwarded to me. Soon after I forwarded it to ten of my friends I recieved a phone call that my Great Uncle on my mom's side passed away and I now have $90 000 coming to me!!! Of course, I still have to go to his funeral, but what the hey!!

    Thanks to my friends who forwarded it!! I will always forward my emails now!!

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  5. Great blog! My friend forwarded it to me. I then forwarded it to 7 people in the hopes of seeing someone appear on the bridge or at the very least for my phone to ring in the next 7 minutes.....

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  6. I forwarded this to 10 people and just checked my lotto ticket and guess what?!?! I won another free ticket!! Who says there's no good luck in forwarding these things? :)

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  7. Hey! I recieved a forwarded email from my BROTHER who is male by the way. Anyway, so I am sooo glad he did because I DID recieve that gift certificate from Applebee's!
    I am now a believer. Off to send all my forwards ahead!;)

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  8. I need to give credit where credit is due ... I got the email, sent it to everyone I knew and then I went for a walk where I found a coin that I just KNOW is rare and will be worth a lot of money. And I am smokin hot, btw! What a great day!

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  9. I am *so* glad this was forwarded to me!! :D

    I just know it will bring me good luck. And I have sent it on to ten friends just as the email stated.

    So, when do I get my free Red Lobster gift card???

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  10. Hey, I got a link to your site, sent it to 7 people and then came a knock at the door, I won the Publishers Clearing House!

    And I'm a dude, NOW WHAT!

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  11. I received the link for your blog this morning. I forwarded it to 5 people, I'm so unlucky I don't even know 7!

    An hour later, I hear scratching at the door... Lassie has come home! After being gone for a month, we had given her up for dead. I owe it to you Joe! BTW both Lassie and I are smokin' hot, but we are busy Friday.

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  12. I got your forwarded blog from my FIL (he is low on testosterone though) and scoffed at the idea that bad luck would fall on me if I didn't forward it on. Then I figured, why not, there's at least 10 people that have tortured me with chain mail so I forwarded it on. I've been sitting here waiting for something to happen...


    I just got a phone call that my husband got a $30k bonus! Oh, hang on, call waiting... My cousin Suzie just had all her lukemia bills paid by Microsoft!!!

    and you were skeptical. For shame.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Nikki forwarded it to me and I was dubious, but I went ahead and sent it to my whole in box.

    Guess what?

    My wart disappeared! It's true!

    And Beaux says my hunchback is shrinking right before his eyes. He's going to take me bowling to celebrate.

    Hurumph!

    ReplyDelete
  14. My sister in law sends me all of those chain letters you are referring to. If you can figure out how I can get her to STOP and start sending emails with a personal message or God forbid a photo of my niece that she moved 700 miles away from me, that would be great!

    I sit back an wonder- since she knows I NEVER would forward those stupid emails, is she just setting me up for series of unfortunate events to befall me? Why does she hate me so that she would do that?

    Great- as if I wasn't paranoid enough before I read your blog! Thanks for nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. ***UPDATE****

    Not only did the postman just deliver my Red Lobster gift card, but I also received a check from a lawyer. It was an inheritance from an uncle I didn't even know I had! :))

    Also, my mother just called. She got the forward and within a couple of moments after sending it out, the bank called and said her mortgage was payed by some anon stranger!! :))

    ReplyDelete
  16. So I got your blog forwarded to me by a friend. I usually don't believe in that whole forwarding to a million people will bring you good fortune, but after forwarding your link to everyone I know, a freaking $100 bill ooozed out of screen. It's a damn miracle. ;)

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  17. I can't believe it! I got this blog forwarded to me from my Dad. I read it and thought it was quite funny, and I forwarded it to 7 people just like my e-mail said. I usually don't believe in those chain e-mails, but I thought...why not? Well, 10 minutes after I forwarded it I got "lucky". I guess they really do work!

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  18. Well I got this link forwarded to me by an annoying male relative. He sends me these type of chain mail links all the time, and I usually delete them without reading, but YOURS called to me. I am really needing some good luck, so who am I to tempt the internet GOD???

    My double X chromosome was begging me to check the accuracy of your claim on snopes, but your convincing words sucked me in. I have since forwarded this link to 10 friends and would you believe that within minutes I recieved an email letting me in on the "Secret of the Little Blue Pill"!!

    WHAT LUCK!!! Guess I won't be free on Friday, with that knowledge and all.... sorry dude!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I received this email but didn't forward it. Half an hour later I got a call from my realtor and my house appraised for $50k less than the sales price of our house. Now what?

    See what happens when you ignore things? I'm going to try sending a link to your site to everyone in my address book. Cross your fingers for me!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I forwarded your blog to all my friends, and within seconds my thumb that I smashed yesterday stppoed hurting, AND my teething baby is now laughing and playing happily. Amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  21. OMG,
    I fowarded this on to all 127 people in my address book and I just got a call that my lung transplant is going to happen today!!!

    Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Joe,

    Did you write all of those? Ok, maybe not ALL, but like at least 99% of them?

    ReplyDelete
  23. This just goes to show that my blog is a chain blog THAT REALLY WORKS. It can cure cancer! It can fight the flu! It can give the March of Dimes $.17 every time you forward it! (What the hell happened to the "cents" sign on the modern keyboard anyway?) It can be a rust-inhibitor! It can make you lose weight(your results may vary)! And keep in mind, this blog is low fat, low carb, gets 38 mpg on the hwy, eliminates erectile dysfunction, and is 20% cheaper than competing blogs! New and Improved! Only 5% down gets you in! I'm not supposed to tell you this, but a young couple took a look at this blog early this morning and really liked it, so if you are interested, you better buy now!

    I know...I am insane. But thank you all for commenting. I need to get back to work.

    ReplyDelete
  24. you are a wise soul! My favorite chains are the ones that promise big money from large corporations that aren't even aware of the lifeless existence of the chump pushing the send button!

    you made me smile :) thank you

    ReplyDelete
  25. I ignored a request to forward this blog and my family ate me!

    I hope they get food poisoning......

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  26. I forwarded this blog and I lost 50 pounds! Thank you, Joe!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I received this email this morning from one of my dearest friends. I debated whether I should forward it to 10 people or not, but in the end I decided a little good luck never hurt anyone. I sent it, and boy am I glad I did.

    Within about 2 hours of forwarding the email, I was notified that I am the sole heir to a $40,000,000 fortune. Apparently, a distant relative in South Africa has passed away, and the executor of his estate, Douglas Aku Kauke, contacted me via email and informed me of my fortune. All I had to do was send him my Social Security number and my financial info, and the money will be wired into the account within the next couple days. I can't wait! Thanks so much for sending this email out! It's changed my life !!!11!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. A good friend forwarded this to me today, I sent it to ten friends and then my bathroom cleaned itself.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Wow! I am so glad I got this! In the first 10 min. I sent this to 10 of my very best friends and now you would not believe the good luck I have received! I won the lotto! As I was going into the store to show them my winning ticket, I looked down and saw a $100 bill! The other things? Oh I can never tell!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow.. I received this forwarded email from a guy to this site and guess what. My husband is at work, my children are busy and I am having a few minutes alone at the computer. See it does work. Like magic, my family has given me what I wanted which was 10 mins alone. YaY for Me.

    ReplyDelete
  31. i'm a firm believer in chain mail deletion myself...but i see that your profile includes an "email" link...*evil grin* that's just a bit too tempting...

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  32. Dude! I forwarded this email to a few friends, and my divorce was finalized immediately! My attorney actually owes ME money! And, Prince Charming just pulled up in his Mercedes to sweep me away, so I better run.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Peas de resistance2/25/2006 02:36:00 PM

    Someone forwarded this site to me and a short while later I got a call from Chris. After months of keeping our relationship quiet, he's finally leaving Gywneth for me!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hey! Some women like sending dirty jokes and porn too. ;)

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  35. Hey, if you don't forward this comment on to a gazillion-and-3 people, you will forever be plagued with rock hard boogies.

    ReplyDelete
  36. You're about as funny as severe diarrhea. Don't quit your day job, Joe Blow.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Wow I'm so glad this was forwarded to me and that I forwarded it on to my whole address book. My grandson finally quite kicking the h*ll out of the wall and went to sleep; grandson number 2 actually hasn't yakked all over me in more then 10 minutes; and grandson number 3 went off to bed without one single whine.

    And since you brought up the subject of lobotomy, given the choice of a frontal lobotomy or a bottle in front of me, I'll take the bottle every time! Thanx for making my nite so peaceful and enjoyable!

    ReplyDelete
  38. I am so glad my brother forwarded this to me! I sent it to everyone in my address book too! I have been renting this house for the past 3 years and the landlady just called and said she is giving me this house because she likes me so much, I just know it's because of this forward. Thank you so much Joe!

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  39. OMFG!! I forwarded this on and received a FREE IPOD!

    You rock, asshole.

    ReplyDelete
  40. OMG! OMG! OMG! I received the email, forwarded to every person I've ever known (plus a few unknowns), hit the "enter" key, and DING DONG. I run to the door and there was Ed McMahon! I am the lastest winner of the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes! Woo Hoo! I'LL NEVER HESITATE TO FORWARD AN E-MAIL AGAIN!!!

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  41. OMG, I forwarded this to a bunch of Peas and got a lunch date with the blogger himself! ;) Just kidding, but if you ever cross the bridge let me know -- lots of good lunch in downtown! (thought I really miss Varian's -- that was my favorite)

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  42. Hey cool! I was sent to your blog and I know that because of this??? I now have good luck. This morning? I only tore a hole in one of my ear drums. Thank gosh it wasn't two! i KNOW IF i didn't come here? I'd be in so much worse pain!!! Thanks a lot! I hope you have a great day!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Someone sent me this e-mail telling me about your site and asking me to forward it to others. I am so glad I did! Chris left Peas de resistance, came to my house with flowers and asked for me. What an honor it was! I am, however, happily married so he left his fortune with me and is on his way back to Peas de resistance. I think she has been forwarding her e-mail again.

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  44. OMG! I forwarded this email to my friends and I instantly lost that stubborn belly fat!

    YOU, my man, are a genius!

    ReplyDelete
  45. My gf emailed me and told me to forward it to all of my friends. I sent it to 15 people. 2 hours later my dh asked me for a divorce. Thank You Joe!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  46. OMG! I forwarded this email to my friends and I instantly lost that stubborn belly fat!

    YOU, my man, are a genius!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Wow.. I received this forwarded email from a guy to this site and guess what. My husband is at work, my children are busy and I am having a few minutes alone at the computer. See it does work. Like magic, my family has given me what I wanted which was 10 mins alone. YaY for Me.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hey, if you don't forward this comment on to a gazillion-and-3 people, you will forever be plagued with rock hard boogies.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I forwarded this blog and I lost 50 pounds! Thank you, Joe!

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  50. Joe,

    Did you write all of those? Ok, maybe not ALL, but like at least 99% of them?

    ReplyDelete
  51. Well I got this link forwarded to me by an annoying male relative. He sends me these type of chain mail links all the time, and I usually delete them without reading, but YOURS called to me. I am really needing some good luck, so who am I to tempt the internet GOD???

    My double X chromosome was begging me to check the accuracy of your claim on snopes, but your convincing words sucked me in. I have since forwarded this link to 10 friends and would you believe that within minutes I recieved an email letting me in on the "Secret of the Little Blue Pill"!!

    WHAT LUCK!!! Guess I won't be free on Friday, with that knowledge and all.... sorry dude!

    ReplyDelete
  52. Great blog! My friend forwarded it to me. I then forwarded it to 7 people in the hopes of seeing someone appear on the bridge or at the very least for my phone to ring in the next 7 minutes.....

    ReplyDelete

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