I HATE chain e-mails.
For those that have been living in the Antarctic (which is only slightly colder than it has been here) for the last twenty years, a chain e-mail is simply an e-mail that claims if you forward it to a certain amount of people, a good thing will happen to you; If you ignore it, I don’t know, I guess your family will eat you or something. Chain e-mails are only forwarded on by a certain gullible, illogical segment of society. In order not to embarrass anyone, I’ll refer to this particular segment using only the term “women”.
Yes, it is ALWAYS women. I have no idea why women believe what they read in chain e-mails. Maybe the Y chromosome is what gives a person the ability to discern a serious message from a prank. Maybe estrogen is logic-depleting hormone. Maybe testosterone makes you intelligent enough to realize that forwarding an e-mail message will not give 7 cents to the Make-A-Wish Foundation or help pay for an imaginary child's bone marrow transplant (Why didn't I think of this? To think all this time I've been frittering my money away on health insurance). I don’t know. I do know this: ever since I got on the Internet in 1995, I have never, ever received a chain e-mail from a man. We men are simply too busy to spend time on such stupid nonsense. We use the Internet for serious business, like writing memos, checking stocks, forwarding nasty jokes, viewing pornography, etc.
The thing is, it is usually hard to get mad at the generally well-intentioned women who send chain e-mails to me, because all they are guilty of is having the common sense of road tar. That is why I usually send a very polite note back to them that says something like “please die already” or “have you thought about a lobotomy?” I wish I could send a message to every woman in the world who ever forwarded a chain e-mail saying:
1. Good things don’t happen as a result of sending chain e-mails.
2. Bad things don’t happen as a result of not sending chain e-mails.
3. A bad thing WILL happen as a result if you ever send ME a chain e-mail.
Your loving blogger,
P.S. Are you smoking hot? If so, I was only kidding about the “moron” thing. And, what are you doing Friday?
But it wouldn’t make a difference. No matter what anyone says, women won’t stop forwarding this crap. Like the old saying goes, “There’s a sucker born every minute” (this explains my burgeoning readership). So I guess I have no choice but to take full advantage of it. In fact, I’ve already started. That’s right…you are now reading a chain blog. You have to forward the link to this blog to ten of your friends in the next twenty minutes. If you do, something good will happen to you in the next twenty-four hours. If you don’t, something horrible will happen to you by the end of the day.
This is absolutely true! Ken Simmons of Cape Coral, FL forwarded this blog, and won the lottery without even buying a ticket. Doug Holland of Cashiers, NC failed to forward it and had his arm yanked out of its socket by a wood chipper. Evita Iljenkova of Riga, Latvia forwarded it to twelve people, and she received a call from a long-lost friend. Allan Wells of Atlanta, GA ignored it and died from a heart attack related to a fried pork skins overdose. Jason Teeters of Fort Myers, FL forwarded it and got a call from an NFL team for a tryout. Troy Neher of Plant City, FL failed to forward it and got hit by a municipal bus. Larry Roth of Farmington, MI forwarded this blog and became engaged to be married. Also, something good happened to him. Domenic J. Valentine of Cape Coral, FL ignored this blog and got slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Traci Wilcox of Cape Coral, FL forwarded this blog and got a huge raise despite the fact that she is not employed. Lori Holland of Cashiers, NC didn’t forward this link and suffered a concussion in a sledding accident. (Luckily this only affects the brain, so no real loss was suffered here.)
So don’t be a fool! Learn from the mistakes of these 100% true examples! You CAN control your own destiny! Start by sending this website's link to everyone you know!
Only, don’t send it to me.