Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I Had an Air About Me in Boston

Before even starting this blog entry, I have to state this right off the bat:


I have to state this because the humor in this entry is mainly based on flatulence. Here is a fact: Men find this subject hilarious, women do not. If you were to ask a co-educational group of people if flatulence-based humor is funny, the response from the women would be a resounding “no”; the men wouldn’t respond at all because they would be too busy laughing and making farting noises with their armpits.

Anyway, the story:

My friend Greg and I went to Boston this past weekend to see a football game. Of course, afterwards we decided to get a “feel for the city”, by which I mean troll the bars for women. We ended up at a popular nightspot downtown called Clery’s, which was very crowded. It was Greg’s turn to buy a round of beers, so he squeezed against the bar, leaving me standing there behind him alone. Next to him, sitting on barstools, were two attractive college-age girls involved in a deep conversation. Now those that know me know that I do not lack for self confidence. I had decided earlier that I wasn’t leaving this bar without chatting up some women, so why not these two? I have some nice clothes on. My hair is looking stylish. I have charm. I have charisma. I—uh...

I farted.

My mind raced. Could the girls hear it? No way, the music is way too loud. Is it a stinker or a dud? I’m not sure. They were pretty rancid earlier in the day. Oh NO! I can smell it! It IS bad! Real bad!

The girls began making nasty expressions on their faces. They started to turn around. Now I knew…it was CODE RED. I was at DEFCON-3. It was time to go to an Emergency Flatulence Blame Shifting Plan. I just had to decide which one I should utilize:

Pretend That Nothing has Happened at All: Bad idea. The girls would assume that the offending party would act exactly this way in a feeble effort to maintain a shred of dignity.

Hold My Nose and Point Directly at Greg: Again, bad idea. Explicit blame-shifting is always an immediate sign of guilt, not to mention immaturity.

The method I chose was Sniffing Around With a Confused Look on my Face. This pretty much consisted of having a facial expression that seemed to say, “What is this I smell? And where is it coming from?” It may have worked. At least it did until Greg and I got the heck out of there and I could pretend in my mind that it never ever happened.

When we were a safe distance away, I told Greg what had happened and my solution. He was sympathetic. “That was YOU?” he said. “Jeez! I thought a rat died under the bar! I was wondering why one of those chicks seemed to be jamming her elbow in my ribcage! You piece of (very dirty word)!”

Well, at least I retained my dignity.

StumbleUpon Toolbar


  1. Very funny bro. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Women really think farting is funny, but we're brought to immediately roll our eyes and act disgusted when you all have farting contests.

  2. Farting is funny. Just like stories about needing to find a public restroom and not being able to find one. I don't know why this is. It is a mystery of our universe.

  3. Contrary to popular belief, and agreeing with your sister, girls do think farting is funny. I laughed out loud through the entire story. And, now that we are married, greg seems to think it is his right and obligation to share every farting opportunity!

  4. See now, my husband only thinks it's funny when *HE* farts. It's not quite so funny when *I* fart... Why is that???

  5. Heehee...I bet if you wrote a similar column I would be laughing my cojones off...

    But your husband wouldn't. It isn't funny when it is YOUR woman doing the deed. ;-)

  6. *giggle* i wouldn't worry too much about it. as i recall there were a few more Floridians stinking up the Greater Boston area that day. ;-)


Comments are like crack for bloggers, and I'm a big-time addict. Please leave one here!

(You do not need to sign in to leave a comment. You can leave a comment using only your name OR you can be completely anonymous by choosing the appropriate "identity" below)