Comedy vs. Cancer vs. Local News

Two years ago, I was asked to perform with a few other comics at a charity event for cancer. Well, I guess it was against cancer. Or something. It was one of those "Relay For Life" things where people trek around this high school track for hours, and I was to perform on a stage right in front of said track.

First off, I've never understood how people walking around in circles fights cancer. I understand that they accept pledges that a certain amount of money will be received if they walk for a certain amount of time, but, uh, what's wrong with someone just donating money for, you know, the cause? Are there really people out there that think, "look, those namby-pamby cancer patients aren't getting my money for nothing. Maybe if somebody sweats for me."

From what I remember, sweating was something a lot of those walkers could stand to do anyway. It's ingenious how they convinced people to pay them to get their fat asses off the couch, where they then could feel good about themselves for sending that money to the "fight against cancer".

Jeez, I sound like a douchebag. And I haven't even gotten to the story yet.

Anyway, right before showtime, veteran comic Bryan Hamilton rounded up myself and the few other comics and told us the ground rules. Basically, no cursing or adult subjects. Which basically removed about 95% of my act back then. I had to go to some very mediocre jokes, including one I had discarded long ago about how self-centered the local news is in their reporting of world events. Now, every single time I had told this joke previously,

1. I never mentioned a specific news organization, and
2. No one ever laughed.

Well, #2 remained consistent, but for whatever dumbass reason, I decided to add "you know how you watch local news, like ABC-7 or Fox 4..." to the bit. A bit that makes the anchors seem kind of stupid.

Well, guess who turns out to be a HUGE sponsor of Walk For Life? And happened to have a HUGE booth in the middle of the football field inside the track, with anchors and reporters signing autographs? Yeah, that would be Fox 4, who apparently didn't see the humor in me saying that if Key West fell into the ocean, they'd only report on how it affected traffic in Southwest Florida.

 The next day, a representative of Fox 4 called Walk For Life and threatened to pull sponsorship completely. I never knew how the conversation went, but when I imagine it, Fox 4 says "Quit hurting our feelings, or your fight against cancer can go fuck itself". Whatever was said, I got a tongue-lashing from Bryan. Oh, and we haven't been booked by Relay For Life ever since.

I love you all.  Make me famous.

Comedy is...Different

When I decided to become a comic a little over two years ago, I had no idea what kind of world I was entering. Up until that point in my life, I had always been employed in some kind of profession that required you to be, you know, professional. This meant there were certain assumptions about the way you behaved and just generally ran your life.

 

Just to cite one small example, in my previous jobs, the other employees rarely showed up stoned. And reeking of alcohol. That rarely goes over well in status meetings. Also, it was commonly assumed that you had a car. Or at least, you know, a current, non-suspended driver's license. And, if I saw white powder under your nose, I pretty much guessed you grabbed a powdered doughnut out of the break room.

 

This sure the hell hasn't been the case in standup comedy.

 

True story: I once went on a road trip with four people to a comedy show in North Carolina, yet I had to drive 50% of the time because two comics didn't have a valid license.

 

True story: I once had to leave a club because the comic I was hanging out with was caught with cocaine powder under his nose and got kicked out.

 

True fact: All the "carpooling" I've been doing in the last two months, with comics going to the same show, has happened in my  personal car.

 

True fact: I had only seen any form of illegal drug maybe a dozen times from high school to about two years ago. Now it's rare that I go a whole week.

 

I'm not complaining. I love standup comedy, and the herky-jerky, unexpected, and sometimes extralegal experiences that come along with it. I don't do drugs, but hey, I can drink at work. How many of you can say that? I don't remember there ever being a beer tap in any corporate break room I've ever been in.

 

It's a whole new world.  It's just...different.

 

I love you all. Make me famous.