Sunday, August 09, 2009

Do YOU Qualify to Date an Incredible Man? Or Joe Simmons?

(Long-time MySpace friends may recognize this one. Thanks to Jamie Dektas for reminding me of it.)

I'm often asked why I'm seemingly always single. Rarely does a day go by when I don't hear: "Joe, how can someone as charming, handsome, sweet, modest, and adorable as yourself possibly not have a girlfriend?" It's certainly quite a conundrum, and I'm as mystified as anyone else. A few naysayers have tried to hint to me that I've perhaps set my standards too high. Come on. I don't think holding out for a six-foot-tall neurosurgeon/former supermodel with an Eastern European accent is too much to ask.

Okay, okay. Maybe I am being too choosy. This is why, solely as a service to any potential mates out there, I've developed a multiple choice test that determines your "Joe-worthiness". Now, I'm sure your immediate reaction is, "Wow, Joe! This looks like it was a lot of work! Thank you so much!" Think nothing of it; I constantly deliberate about nothing but helping out my friends. Now, let's begin:

1. Look inside your pants right now. What do you see?

a) A vagina

b) A penis

c) It's too hairy to tell for sure

Note: If you answered anything other than "a", you may go ahead and put your pencil (haha!) down.

2. What is your opinion of high heel shoes?

a) They're painful to wear and designed to make women look like sex objects. I don't own any.

b) They're fashionable and fun to wear for short periods of time.

c) I think they should enact a law that women have to wear at least four-inch heels at all times, even during labor.

3. How soon is sex appropriate in a relationship?

a) I would only feel comfortable having sex after we're married.

b) I think sex is fine at a point where we both feel committed to each other.

c) I'm getting horny just reading this test.

4. What kind of work habits or employment are you seeking in a mate?

a) I expect that he work fairly hard to provide for his family.

b) I have a career as well, so we just need to strike a good work/life balance.

c) Work? As soon as I receive this multi-million dollar divorce settlement, you and I can travel around the world!

5. What is your opinion of threesomes?

a) They're disgusting. Sex should be between one man and one woman.

b) Though I prefer just to have sex with my mate, I'd be willing to experiment with another woman.

c) I plan on bringing home a different hot babe for us every night, if that's okay.

6. What is the most important thing in your purse right now?

a) Mace

b) Cell phone

c) Condoms

7. What is your opinion of pornography?

a) I detest it. It makes women out to be nothing but sex providers.

b) I enjoy watching it with my mate from time to time.

c) It ain't as glamorous as people think, but it pays my bills.

8. What is your opinion of football?

a) Professional sports are idiotic. The time spent watching them could be better used in a relationship.

b) Football is okay. He can watch it while I do my own thing.

c) Football is fantastic! Not only will I watch, I'll fetch the beer and pretzels during commercials!

9. How do you feel about masturbation?

a) The Bible says it is a sin, so no masturbation will be allowed in my house.

b) I am comfortable with my man meeting his own needs when I am not around.

c) If he can find time to masturbate in between the seven times a day we'll be having sex, bully for him.

10. What is your tongue?

a) The part of your body that discerns taste.

b) A playful way to kiss.

c) A sex organ.

d) All of the above, all at the same time.

Now, all you have to do is write down your answers and mail them to me. All those with passing test scores will immediately be sent the "Joe Simmons Dating Preparedness Pack", which includes advanced testing materials such as:

* A tape measure, with handy markings on it that illustrate important relationship values such as "your waist should not exceed this mark", "your thighs should not exceed this mark", "your breasts hopefully exceed this mark", etc.

* A username and password for a YouTube account so that you can upload a video of yourself (from head to toe) vocalizing why you should be my girlfriend.

* And a copy of the bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. (Trust me; it's a real timesaver for me when girls own this book.)

If, after the advanced testing, you are deemed the best choice: you win! However, you should know that I hate dating so we'll pretty much just be hanging out at my house. Or yours, if it's nicer.

Geez, I'm such a great guy. Why on Earth am I still single?

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Would You Like a Side of Sucralose With That?

Dammit. I’m in the breakfast aisle in Publix, and I have no idea what the hell is good for me. I’m trying to eat more healthfully, but once I’m in a grocery store, I’m a complete tool. And reading the ingredients is no help, because for some reason it is always in Russian or French or some damn language that I can’t decipher. Well, I did once manage to memorize that high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) means Instant Death (ID). If you ingest it, you actually collapse right there at the table. At least, that’s what my sister Lori thinks.

Since I can’t afford a personal nutritionist, Lori serves that function, albeit by phone. She lives in northeast Ohio, where her husband Doug hunts and fishes for all of their meat and she tends to a garden for all of their vegetables. They also scour the Internet daily for the latest conspiracy theories, like how HFCS is an example of big corporations trying to kill us.

There’s not a whole lot to do in northeast Ohio.

Nutty theories aside, Lori is a good resource for all things diet, so she’s gotten used to phones calls like this from me:

Ring! Ring!

Doug: “Lori, answer it!”

Lori: “I’m doing the dishes! Why don’t YOU answer it?”

Doug: “I can’t hear you over that phone ringing! Answer it!”

Lori: (drying off her hands to answer it) “Damn lazy ass.” (Into phone) “Hello?”

Me, yelling over the sound of a loud bar at Happy Hour: “IS RANCH DRESSING LOW CARB?!?”

Lori: “As long as you don’t go overb—”

Me, to someone else: “Dude, shut the hell up. I’m talking to my sister. Just because I don’t want to be a lard ass like you doesn’t make me a homo. Now get me a beer, Fat Boy.” (Into phone) “What was that, Lori?”

Lori: “If you’ll eat it you’ll die”.

Me: “Thanks!” (click)

She actually usually gives me accurate information, but I guess over the years she’s grown a little tired of administering this free service. Which is why I’m standing here right now trying to figure out which hot cereal will lower my cholesterol and which ones will assassinate me.

I give up. I’ve been staring at this stupid shelf for ten minutes now. It’s time to call my nutritionist.

Ring! Ring!

Lori: “Areyoubleeding?”

Me: “Uh, what? No!”

Lori: “Ihaveguestsseeyoulater!”

Me: “Wait! Didn’t you say sucralose is the same thing as HFCS?”

Lori: “Noyouidiotbutit’sbaddon’tbuyitloveyoubyebye!” (Click)

Well, I guess I learned two things: One, don’t buy anything with sucralose. And two, when it comes to nutritionists, you get what you pay for.