Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
If you followed a link from twitter or facebook to this piece, there is an excellent chance you have no idea what the above title refers to. And that’s okay. My fault, really. You’re not the lazy ass that constantly abandons blogs.
You see, this place is where it all began for me. On December 10th, 2005, on my way to my parents’ house for breakfast, I ran out of gas and had to call my dad to come get me. I was pissed, of course, but in some detached portion of my brain, I was laughing at myself hysterically. I decided I had to share the experience somehow. And since I was (and still am) such a fan of Dave Barry’s humor columns, I decided to open up a Blogger account and post my first-ever humor column on the experience.
It got a tremendous response. And by “tremendous response” I mean that nobody read it. I had to beg people to go to my blog. I had several phone conversations like this:
My sister Lori: Hello?
Me: Hey sis. I started a blog, and wrote an essay I’m really proud of. Could you take a look at it?
Lori: Sure! No problem. I’ll get right to it.
Me: No, I mean, right now.
Lori: Oh, look, I have another call…
But, amazingly enough, in time I built up a pretty strong readership, with several hundred hits every time I posted a new blog. So I made sure to leverage that popularity in the only I way I knew how: abandonment. It was amazingly stupid, because getting a following is difficult, but I guess I just felt so much pressure to be funny that I had to step away.
Since that time, I’ve had two MySpace blogs, a Tumblr blog, and a standup comedy career begin to blossom. I decided a few weeks ago I really need to start blogging again just to keep my wit sharp, and, of course, to update my friends and fans as to how everything is going. So, what better place than my original blog?
So here I am. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to go, but I can give you an educated guess. My initial instinct is to blog rather consistently, like 3-4 times per week, but instead of long humor essays like I used to, I’ll be posting shorter updates, based heavily on my standup. Of course, I know myself. The updates will probably turn into long essays. But if that happens, it happens. At least it will be good, funny content.
It feels good to be home.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
You're probably thinking, "Well, lazy ass, quit trying when it's 4PM." Well, where I am, it's NOT 4PM, it's 5AM. Or, 0500. And maybe you shouldn't be such a smartass. How many times have YOU crossed the International Date Line, dipshit?
Sorry. I get a little testy when I can't sleep. And yes: I'm out of the country. WAY out of the country. Like, I'm going to have to double check to make sure I'm still on Earth. I traveled for a miserable day and a half before I finally landed on the Pearl of the Orient, the Philippines. I'm excited to finally be here, but it IS the opposite end of the planet. While you all are still in daylight, working and whatever, I'm sitting around doing nothing in darkness. So nothing has really changed.
Haha! I'm such a funny humorous knee-slapping jokester when I've slept six hours over three days. I'm here because half my family tree lives here, and I don't hardly know any of them. I have a LOT of cousins, aunts, and uncles here, and I'm asking that they all wear name tags. I met some of them for dinner last night. I nearly fell asleep in my chicken soup.
Anyway, so far I'm having a good time, but the jet lag is killing me. I'm going to crawl back into bed and try to get normalized now, but I'm not optimistic. I'm making a lot of notes, so hopefully I'll get some killer material out of this. I better get something out of this trip. Maybe I'll bring home a wife. There are a ton of hotties over here.
P.S. I'm with my mom and my sister, who lives in Ohio. Since my sister drove down to Florida with her husband, he is staying at my house while I'm gone. So all you bastards looking to steal my 1989 GE tube TV because I'm out of town, seriously: Buy him beer and he'll probably let you have it. Make it a Guinness and he'll probably help you find stuff.