Sunday, July 26, 2009

Revenge of the Facebook Survey

(Because I seemingly get tagged in every single facebook survey ever written, I finally did one myself. Unfortunately, this one got a little out of control. The ones who are tagged can do this one if they like, but I'm warning you: You may die. Also, MySpace friends may recognize a few questions on here. Hey, it's okay for me to plagiarize myself, okay?)

1. Where did you take your profile pic?

I was performing standup at Reserve. Also, I was on fire. I mistakenly thought it would make me funnier.

2. What exactly are you wearing right now?

The same clothes I wore out last night. Though I did change into a thong for comfort.

3. What is your current problem?

I am currently looking for new employment but have absolutely no motivation to be employed. Unless, of course, you are a potential employer scanning my profile, in which case I'm extremely motivated to work hard in order to achieve the goals that will make your company great.

4. What makes you happy most?

Writing humor, whether it is standup, a humor essay, or a shitty survey like this.

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?

Listen, you dumbass survey: I’m male. That means I can’t multitask. So I can’t have music on when I’m writing any more than a typical girl can talk on a cell phone while driving. Unless this is a potential employer, in which case multitasking makes me stronger.

6. Any celeb you would marry?

Who created this survey? A middle schooler? This is a stupid, silly, immature question. And, Keira Knightley.

7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?

Nobody. This is true. I’m the first and only person every born on January 23rd.

8. Ever sang by yourself in front of a large audience?

No, but I have simulated sex with other species on stage. I bet that so-called “entertainer” Justin Timberlake has never tried that.

9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Yes. I get Keanu Reeves and the lead singer from Hoobastank, which I’m cool with. Then I also get Jerry Seinfeld and Gilbert Gottfried, which makes me want to dunk my face in a McDonald’s deep fryer.

10. Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?

Why did you spell “kiddie” two different ways? And why do say “kiddie” in the first place? Use “children’s”. “Kiddie” makes me think that answering this question will earn me a sit-down with Chris Hansen.

11. Do you know any languages?

Ooog. Ungff. No me know no language. Me hungry!

12. I’m getting the feeling you are starting to mock me.

Um, what? That’s not a question.

13. You think you’re better than I am, don’t you?

Yes, but only because I am an actual human being and you are a stupid shitty survey. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

14. You are really starting to annoy me. Us facebook surveys are a little tired of all you dumbasses responding to our questions with half-ass or smartass answers, thinking you're funny when in general, most of you really suck at humor.

Okay, hang on a second here: how are you responding to me?

15. Sorry, dickhead. I'm the survey, I ask the questions. Speaking of, let's turn it up a notch. Honestly, why aren't you married yet?

That's none of your business. Besides, I just haven't met the right—

16. You're gay, aren't you? You're a flaming homo!

NO I ABSOLUTELY AM NOT. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But I assure you I'm 100% heterosexual. Listen, I don't have to finish this stupid survey—

17. Whatever, queerbait. Honestly, when was the last time you got laid?

I generally don't talk about my sex life on—

18. Chicken.

I am NOT a chi—


What the hell kind of crazy survey is this? You're making fun of me?

20. Stop dodging the question.

I'm not answering it! Up yours! I only started this stupid survey because I was bored!

21. Ohhhh…"Mr. Hot-Shot Comedian" is too good for us lowly facebook surveys unless he's reeeally bored.

Listen, I've got nothing against surveys. It's just that I usually focus my creative energy on my material.

22. Yeah, I've heard your stuff. You really should stick to surveys.

Screw you. I like my work. Now I insist you answer my question: How in the hell is a facebook survey responding to my answers?

23. Oh, that's easy.

So? What's the answer? How are you doing it?

24. The answer is: you're not right in the head.


25. You know I'm right, don't you?

Shut up.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Target vs. Wal-Mart, the Cage Match

When it comes to spending your hard-earned dollar at the best price possible, let's face it: there are really only two choices anymore. Either you are one-stop shopping at the brainchild of Sam Walton or you're doing the same at the newer*, cleaner, friendlier, less deadly and certainly more red-colored Target.

* I don't know for an absolute fact that Target is a newer chain than Wal-Mart. Luckily, I am humorist and not a journalist so I can just make up shit and suffer no consequences. Nyaah nyaah nyaah.

Today, I left the house knowing I needed a few groceries, plus some wheel cleaner for my car. After about ten minutes I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, found a safe spot, then asked myself what in the Sam Hell I was doing there. For whatever reason, I just drove, zombie-like, right to Wally World. I have no idea why, as I have a miserable experience every single time I go, usually punctuated by a wait in line that could easily eclipse a college semester. So right then and there I pulled out of the parking lot and headed over to the brand-new Super Target.

Holy cow, what a difference!

In order to illustrate the disparity in the shopping experience between Wal-Mart and Target, I'll reveal to you, verbatim, actual quotes I've uttered in each store:

About the hottie factor:

At Target: "That chick is so damn hot I'll risk pretending I'm actually shopping for nail polish to check her out."

At Wal-Mart: "How on Earth can a woman block an entire aisle by herself?"*

*This is a true story. A few weeks ago I witnessed an, uh, "fitness-challenged" girl and her shopping cart manage to block an entire wide aisle by herself. If we ever want to get serious about illegal immigration, we should just station Wal-Mart shoppers on the Texas-Mexico border. It'll only take about five of them.

About the parking lot:

At Target: "Wow, there are a lot of shopping cart returns here."

At Wal-Mart: "Exactly how many damn handicapped spaces does a parking lot need?"

About the stocking of product:

At Target: "There is so much selection, I'm not sure which one to buy!"

At Wal-Mart: "Great, they have every item here except the one on sale."*

*The display model was available, but since it looked like it had been dropped into the Grand Canyon, hitting every boulder on the way down, I passed.

About the availability of cashiers:

At Target: "I think they have too many cashiers available. I guess I'll pick the hottest one."

At Wal-Mart: "What the hell is at the end of this line?!? Space Mountain?!?"

I think you can now see why, after suffering for so many years with Wal-Misery, I will from now on drive an extra ten minutes and shop at Target.

Hey, I wonder if I can get Target to pay me for this blog.

© 2008, Joseph Simmons

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