Thursday, March 19, 2009

Your Horoscope, with a Side of Attitude

I reached down deep inside my soul last night (I was looking for spare change), and I made an amazing discovery: I have the psychic powers of an astrologist! So I went outside and decoded the stars for all of their secret meanings. I was shocked to find that, well, the stars are a little surly. Regardless, you should definitely take my advice, because I’m an expert now. You can tell that I'm an expert because I'm writing this in italics.

Aries: Today you will be walking and you’ll sprain your vagina. Even if you don’t have a vagina, you’ll spontaneously grow one and then you’ll sprain it. In fact, you just now grew one. Look in your pants. See? Also, please keep it fresh. No one likes a nasty vagina.

Taurus: The stars have aligned in Uranus and they all agree that you’re a douchebag. You probably post too many damn notes or status updates. Be careful what you say to friends today, as it may used against you in a future argument. Though we honestly doubt you have any friends in the first place.

Gemini: Today you’ll be in a public restroom trying to get the electronic towel dispenser to give you more than a one-inch strip of paper. You’ll be waving and gyrating like a jackass while water drips down your forearms. People will walk in, see you, and decide that they "can hold it for a few minutes until the insane lunatic mime leaves". Our advice is to never wash your hands.

Cancer: The stars have aligned in your sky to give you the moon. Today you will receive a strange phone call on your mobile phone. The Caller ID will show that it’s one of those "976" phone sex numbers. You’ll answer it and find out that it’s your mother, who accidentally used the wrong phone. Our advice is to give us your mother’s phone number.

Leo: You seriously need a bath. The stench you are giving off could fell a bison. Even the stars are scrambling to get the hell out of your sky. Our advice is move back in with your mother, who’ll hopefully never let you leave the house unwashed. Or at all.

Virgo: Today you and a few of your friends will consider hosting a wine-tasting at your house. You’ll think it’s because you’re sophisticated and classy, but deep down you know it’s only because you want to get drunk off your ass while you’re also trying to kill your reputation as a bar whore. Our advice is to drop the pretentiousness and go ahead and host a six-kegger.

Libra: The stars have all aligned against you. You better watch out. The stars have been known to follow people, take pictures of them masturbating, and blackmailing them later. Our advice to you is to stop masturbating so damn much. And yes, we know what you do with the Ken Doll. Pervert.

Scorpio: When you go outside today, a bird will shit on your head. It is unavoidable; even if you stay indoors all day, a bird will fly inside to drop a deuce on your noggin. Fortunately, with respect to your attractiveness, this will be a huge improvement. Our advice is to go stand under a bird’s nest and wait for your makeover.

Sagittarius: Your stars have aligned in a middle finger formation. You will actually have a good day…until someone punches you in the clavicle. The person who hit you will yell, "YOU SUCK, ALFRED!" He’ll yell that even if your name is not Alfred. Our advice is to go to the government office and have your named changed to Alfred.

Capricorn: Today is the day for you to finally get the courage to walk up to that person you’ve been crushing on and telling him or her how you really feel. This way, he or she can officially reject you and finally have the justification the courts said he or she needed to file a restraining order. Our advice is to bring a camcorder and make sure to upload this to youtube.

Aquarius: Today is the day that someone who has been crushing on you will finally tell you how they feel. Believe us when we say: run like hell. That crazy ass will probably want to film it all and post it on youtube. We have no idea where these people get these shitty ideas.

Pisces: Your stars have aligned near Jupiter’s moon, which means you will be gassy all day. It might be a wise idea to carry around a can of Ass No Smell, placing it prominently on your desk or dashboard or wherever you happen to be. "Better safe than sorry!" is what you should tell everyone you encounter.

© 2009, Joseph Simmons

This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this blog at may be posted or distributed without written permission.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Random Neural Firings on the Flight Home from Ohio

(I flew back home to Florida today from visiting my sister in Andover, Ohio. As usual, I was running late and brought no form of entertainment to get me through the long day of flying. I decided to make random observations and write them on a little pad I found in my laptop bag.).

First Flight:

1. I’m waiting at the gate to board for my plane, and one thing I notice is how nobody talks to anybody else. Everyone has an iPod, smartphone, or some other contraption to keep themselves from interacting with other people. No wonder we’re all getting A.D.D. I refuse to do this, so I spend my time imagining who I would choose if I were forced to pick one person here to have sex with. It is slim pickins. I go with a well-dressed blond lady who’s at least 47-years-old.

2. I’m finally seated on the plane. With any luck, these two seats next to me will stay empty. Either that, or some megababe will sit next to me. Though I don’t know where the hell she’d come from, because there sure weren’t any babes out in the gate.

3. No such luck. Some pretty boy throws his bag up in the overhead and sits on the aisle seat. Seconds later, a nerdy pear-shaped girl with glasses and a book I’ve never heard of sits in the seat between us. Before you get all upset with me for insulting this girl, please know that it won’t be long before I start convincing myself that Nerd Girl is sorta kinda hot.

4. I could never be a flight attendant. The one working our section is attempting to calmly explain to some middle-aged jackass that he has to wait to put his small laptop bag in an overhead compartment because it is a crowded flight and the bigger bags are priority. But he keeps lifting it up to the compartment anyway! “No sir,” she politely tells him. “I promise I will help you with your laptop, but you must wait.” If I were her, not only would I tell him where he could stick his stupid ass laptop, I would “help” him put it there.

5. On a flight home from Europe a few years ago, I ended up sitting next to a Russian fashion model that has her own line of clothing in Germany. She was stunning; I mean seriously freaking gorgeous. She also didn’t speak English worth a damn. Amazingly enough, we still talked for three hours. She knew just enough English that, with the help of a Russian/English dictionary, she could sorta figure out what I was saying. As for what she was saying, I really didn’t give a damn as long as I could look at her. Anyway, we exchanged numbers, emails, etc. and tried to keep in touch, but, well, how the hell do you do that when you don’t speak a common language? So, we never became anything other than occasional pen pals.

I told you that story because I have a theory: I think that you only get one hot chick in the seat next to you in your entire life. And I blew mine on a girl that speaks Russian, German, and Latvian but no Goddamn English. So now I’m stuck next to Pretty Boy and Nerd Girl.

6. Son of a bitch. A smoking hot blonde got on right before takeoff and sat down across the aisle from me…next to some dork. Where’s the justice in this world?

7. You know, with a little makeup and a new hairstyle, Nerd Girl could be kinda hot.

8. Pretty Boy is now reading Cosmo For Men. I had no idea such a magazine existed. Part of me thinks that he is a real vagina. The other part of me is just jealous that the bastard has something to read.

9. I’m trying to convince myself that Smoking Hot Blond only seems hot because of all the ugliness around her. I have failed to mention that the ugliness includes me. I haven’t showered yet today, my clothes are wrinkly, and I haven’t shaved in a week. I’m surprised none of the other passengers have thrown change at me. Or told me to get a job.

10. Dammit, we just landed in Atlanta and I have like 15 minutes to be on my next flight. I need to make like OJ Simpson through the airport to my gate. People older than 40 will know what I’m talking about. People under 30 will think I’m about to slash the throats of a blond and her young boyfriend.

Second Flight:

1. Well, I made it to my connecting flight, but I didn’t get to take a leak or grab something to eat. This flight is already starting to suck. Please please please at least give me a hottie to talk to. And something to eat.

2. Wonderful. I get two extras from “The Bucket List” sitting next to me. Whoa. Dammit! And the one directly next to me has B.O.! Of all the damn luck. Plus, I am very hungry.


4. We’re in the air now, and I’m starting to think it is a good thing this guy next to me stinks. Because if he didn’t, I might’ve started eating him.

5. I now feel badly for the poor guy that was reading over my shoulder. I can hear the old man next to him blathering on about how they “used to do it in the military”. If I was back there, I’d have to strangle him like Schwarzenegger did to that one guy on a plane in “Commando”. Then I’d eat him.

6. Can they at least give me the damn bag of six peanuts they hand out?

7. Uh-oh. I think the guy next to me peeked at these notes. I wonder if he located on here how I make fun of his B.O. You know what? Serves him right. Maybe next time he’ll learn to locate his deodorant.

8. My God, this flight is taking forever. I just wolfed down those peanuts and almost swallowed the bag in the process. I still haven’t peed because I’m pretty sure it would be impossible to move these two corpses next to me so I can go to the lavatory.

9. I’ll probably post this in a separate blog, but my standup gig in Alliance, Ohio went fantastic. Nine comics performed, and everyone got great laughs. I met some new friends, and was excited to finally perform in front of my sister and brother-in-law. Like I said, I’ll post this in its own blog, but I am writing about this now in order to keep myself from eating my notepad and pen.

10. We’ve finally landed. I think I’ll kiss the Florida soil when I get out of this plane. Then I’ll eat some of it. Then pee on it.

11. Over the loudspeaker: “Please be careful when disembarking. Due to the rain, the ramp is wet. We care about you and don’t want you to get hurt.” Why is it whenever I they say “we care about you”, I hear “we don’t want to get sued by you”?

12. Home Sweet Home. I’m outta here.