Taglines for My Blog (Plus My $100 Guarantee!!)

Now that I am part-way to my stated goal of Global Blogging Domination, I've decided that my blog needs a "tagline"—that is, a catchphrase that also advertises it. I have thought of a few that I think have a nice ring to it, but I would appreciate it if you, the Loyal Reader, would help me decide which one I should use.

Of course, in order to protect myself legally, I had to add some footnotes to maintain accuracy. Please don't read them. They mean nothing. They say nothing. Just legal crap. Anyway, here are the ones I'm considering for my blog:

Jim Gaffigan's favorite blog!!*

Published in countless newspapers, magazines, and journals!!**

Often compared to Dave Barry!!***

Pulitzer Prize finalist in 2005 and 2006!!****

If you read a single blog that doesn't make you laugh, I'll pay you $100 in COLD HARD CASH!!*****

Endorsed by Victoria's Secret Model Adriana Lima!!******

"Reading Slow Joe's blogs…is time well spent." – Famous Literary Critic*******

Again, PLEASE DON'T READ BELOW THIS PARAGRAPH. There is simply no reason to...it's just ho hum boring legal mumbo jumbo. Anyway, these are the best taglines I can think of. Please let me know what you think! Or offer one of your own! I could use the help. What are your ideas for a tagline?

* Not the comedian. James Gaffigan, a retired drywall subcontractor from Stillwater, Oklahoma. Great guy, though.

** As long as you define "countless" as "the inability to count the number zero".

*** The comparison usually goes, "Dave Barry is phenomenally funny. Who the hell is Slow Joe?"

**** Eliminated in the round where the selection committee called Security to remove me, screaming, from their premises, and told me for 14^th time not to come around anymore.

***** No I won't. I don't think I even have $100.

****** Now I'm really reaching. I think this is actually a sexual fantasy.

******* Missing text: "…can make you physically ill. Afterwards, a trip to the ER…"