Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Access Hollywood’s Pat O’Brien Interviews Me and Learns the Truth About Slow Joe

Pat O'Brien: Hello, everyone. I'm Pat O'Brien of Access Hollywood, and today I'm here in Cape Coral, Florida interviewing up-and-coming humor superstar Joe Simmons, or as you most likely know him, "Slow Joe". Joe, how are you doing today?

Me: I'm doing fantastic, Pat.

O'Brien: Well, 2007 was fantastic for you. Your blog exploded in terms of popularity, you won a few contests, you have hundreds of friends, and now you've moved to a new MySpace Comedy page. You've had all this success while never getting sucked into drama or compromising your integrity. You must be very excited about what 2008 holds for you.

Me: I absolutely am, Pat. There's no stopping me this year.

O'Brien: That's what we hear. Let me ask you, what is your biggest motivating factor? Is it the creativity? The fame? The prospects of financial success? What is it that really drives you?

Me: The chicks, Pat.

O'Brien: Um, excuse me?

Me: The girls. The hotties. The struttin' legs and the bouncin' boobies. I'm in it for the nookie, Patrick.

O'Brien: Well, I gotta say, that's quite an, um, interesting answer. I kind of thought it would be more about your, you know, strong ethics. However, we did hear that you are quite a flirt on MySpace. But you have literally hundreds of readers and friends! You can't possibly be flirting with all of them, can you?

Me: Well, uh, of course, um, uh, of course I can.

O'Brien: But hundreds of women? Come on, that just isn't feasible! How can you do it?

Me: (Sigh) Follow me, Pat.

(He follows me to the back of my house where I open a door to a windowless room. Inside there are at least 20 guys in front of computers sending messages and leaving comments all over MySpace.)

Me: Welcome to the headquarters of Slow Joe, Inc. As you just figured out, I can't possibly flirt with thousands of women at the same time. In the beginning, I tried to, Pat. I really did. But my operations just got too big for one man. So I had to outsource.

O'Brien: Wait…I can't believe this! You hire people to do your flirting for you?

Me: Only the first few flirtations. You know, to help separate the contenders from the pretenders. I have them each concentrating their flirting abilities on different territories of the world. Once we establish that we have a "hot prospect", that's when I take over.

O'Brien: This is—this is preposterous! Who are these people?!?

Me: Well, that is the genius of my operation, Pat. I started out hiring some illegals from Mexico and Central America, but it turned out they were terrible flirts. I mean awful, Pat. One of them actually left a comment on a Swedish hottie's page that said, "Can I stick me in your num-num?" Can you believe it? What the hell kind of flirtation is that? I don't even know what a "num-num" is! So obviously, I had to fire them all and report them to the INS.

O'Brien: You hired ILLEGALS? But—

Me: Yeah, it was a bad mistake. It nearly cost me all of the Netherlands, which is a great source of hot girls. But with some—

Computer Guy 1: MR. SIMMONS! MR. SIMMONS! We got a live one here in Sector 43!

Me: Excuse me for a second, Pat. (To Computer Guy) Where at?

Computer Guy 1: In Germany. The Frankfurt area.

Me: Hmm…I've had some good and bad luck there. What are the stats?

Computer Guy 1: Blonde, six feet tall, skinny, nice rack.

Me: Sounds good. Keep up the flirting and I'll let you know when I'll take over.

O'Brien: I cannot believe what I'm seeing. This is so dishonest…so—

Me: Efficient, Pat. "Efficient" is the word you are looking for. It's a new time, and Slow Joe Inc. needed new ways to penetrate the market.

O'Brien: Well, at least tell me who these people are.

Me: That's the best part. They're WGA writers! I told them I wouldn't pay them a cent, but all 20 of them could sleep in this room and I'll feed them my leftovers. Done deal!

O'Brien: (Just shakes his head)

Me: Well, I am all about integrity, Pat. Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some flirting to do!

I wish to congratulate the Writer's Guild of America in negotiating the end of their three-month strike. As a group, you definitely did well to protect your deserved income for your creative efforts for years to come. Good job!


  1. LOL, maybe the lack of comments is based on the fact that we're all insulted that you haven't been personally responding to our comments? Maybe I wonder which WGA writer will respond to this? The response had better be outrageously flirty to help heal my wounded ego!

  2. Heh heh...the problem is that when I tried to respond to comments I kept getting the "Sorry, MySpace sucks!" error.

  3. I wonder, Mr. Slow Joe, how many girls want to have the chance to change you right now....

  4. Heh heh...the problem is that when I tried to respond to comments I kept getting the "Sorry, MySpace sucks!" error.


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