Thursday, March 19, 2009

Your Horoscope, with a Side of Attitude

I reached down deep inside my soul last night (I was looking for spare change), and I made an amazing discovery: I have the psychic powers of an astrologist! So I went outside and decoded the stars for all of their secret meanings. I was shocked to find that, well, the stars are a little surly. Regardless, you should definitely take my advice, because I’m an expert now. You can tell that I'm an expert because I'm writing this in italics.

Aries: Today you will be walking and you’ll sprain your vagina. Even if you don’t have a vagina, you’ll spontaneously grow one and then you’ll sprain it. In fact, you just now grew one. Look in your pants. See? Also, please keep it fresh. No one likes a nasty vagina.

Taurus: The stars have aligned in Uranus and they all agree that you’re a douchebag. You probably post too many damn notes or status updates. Be careful what you say to friends today, as it may used against you in a future argument. Though we honestly doubt you have any friends in the first place.

Gemini: Today you’ll be in a public restroom trying to get the electronic towel dispenser to give you more than a one-inch strip of paper. You’ll be waving and gyrating like a jackass while water drips down your forearms. People will walk in, see you, and decide that they "can hold it for a few minutes until the insane lunatic mime leaves". Our advice is to never wash your hands.

Cancer: The stars have aligned in your sky to give you the moon. Today you will receive a strange phone call on your mobile phone. The Caller ID will show that it’s one of those "976" phone sex numbers. You’ll answer it and find out that it’s your mother, who accidentally used the wrong phone. Our advice is to give us your mother’s phone number.

Leo: You seriously need a bath. The stench you are giving off could fell a bison. Even the stars are scrambling to get the hell out of your sky. Our advice is move back in with your mother, who’ll hopefully never let you leave the house unwashed. Or at all.

Virgo: Today you and a few of your friends will consider hosting a wine-tasting at your house. You’ll think it’s because you’re sophisticated and classy, but deep down you know it’s only because you want to get drunk off your ass while you’re also trying to kill your reputation as a bar whore. Our advice is to drop the pretentiousness and go ahead and host a six-kegger.

Libra: The stars have all aligned against you. You better watch out. The stars have been known to follow people, take pictures of them masturbating, and blackmailing them later. Our advice to you is to stop masturbating so damn much. And yes, we know what you do with the Ken Doll. Pervert.

Scorpio: When you go outside today, a bird will shit on your head. It is unavoidable; even if you stay indoors all day, a bird will fly inside to drop a deuce on your noggin. Fortunately, with respect to your attractiveness, this will be a huge improvement. Our advice is to go stand under a bird’s nest and wait for your makeover.

Sagittarius: Your stars have aligned in a middle finger formation. You will actually have a good day…until someone punches you in the clavicle. The person who hit you will yell, "YOU SUCK, ALFRED!" He’ll yell that even if your name is not Alfred. Our advice is to go to the government office and have your named changed to Alfred.

Capricorn: Today is the day for you to finally get the courage to walk up to that person you’ve been crushing on and telling him or her how you really feel. This way, he or she can officially reject you and finally have the justification the courts said he or she needed to file a restraining order. Our advice is to bring a camcorder and make sure to upload this to youtube.

Aquarius: Today is the day that someone who has been crushing on you will finally tell you how they feel. Believe us when we say: run like hell. That crazy ass will probably want to film it all and post it on youtube. We have no idea where these people get these shitty ideas.

Pisces: Your stars have aligned near Jupiter’s moon, which means you will be gassy all day. It might be a wise idea to carry around a can of Ass No Smell, placing it prominently on your desk or dashboard or wherever you happen to be. "Better safe than sorry!" is what you should tell everyone you encounter.

© 2009, Joseph Simmons

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