Sunday, April 02, 2006

What Was I Writing About Again?

I was taking a shower recently when a question struck me. It was the question that every man approaching his mid-thirties eventually asks himself, and it is an indication of his maturation, experiences, mortality, and where he is in his life:

“Um, did I already wash my hair?”

Yes. I was actually standing in my shower, water splashing on me, while I wracked my brain for several seconds trying to remember whether I had already shampooed. This is very frustrating, since I have to imagine that most people would recall something that happened only a few seconds prior. Apparently, I do not have this “gift”, so I had to play the part of Shower Detective, testing the crime scene and looking for clues:

First Test, Running My Fingers Through My Hair: Um, it felt like wet hair. Inconclusive.

Second Test, Looking on the Shower Floor for Drips of Spilt Shampoo: I found two pounds of body hair, three ancient shards of Dial, a mildew colony so developed it has its own navy, about a half pound of wet dog fur, but no shampoo. Inconclusive.

Third Test, Inspecting the Shampoo Bottle Cap: This tells me nothing. I knew it wouldn’t tell me anything. I have no idea what I was expecting to find there. Maybe a little sign that said, “Yes, you’ve already shampooed you moron”. Inconclusive.

So, I was forced to do what I pretty much knew I would have to do all along: shampoo my hair, perhaps again. I had no idea whether it was the first or second time. But at least it was going to be clean.

So what the heck is going on with my memory? Does this have to do with me reaching the age of 35? I had always thought memory loss was something that happened when you got old. (And I when I say “old”, I mean “way older than I am right now, even though I am not as young as some of you loyal readers, but I really don’t want to hear about that right now, so why don’t you just shut up?”) My memory should not be wreaking havoc with my life the way it has. I mean, here is another recent shining example of how it has affected my morning routine:

Day One Shower: I notice that I am almost out of “body wash” (whatever it is called—the liquid stuff that replaced soap), so I make a mental note to make sure to stop at the grocery store that night and pick some up.

Day Two Shower: I curse myself as I realize that I had forgotten to buy body wash the night before. I squeeze as much as possible out of the old bottle and tell myself to definitely stop that night to pick some up, because there is nothing left in this bottle.

Day Three Shower: I berate myself as I realize that my idiot brain had forgotten again to pick up body wash. I squeeze and squeeze the old bottle, mostly just making fart noises. I end up somehow showering with about two molecules of the liquid soap. I make a mental note to absolutely, positively, definitely go to the store tonight to pick some up. No one can forget something three days in a row.

Day Four Shower: Shower with Hartz flea and tick shampoo.

Even after my shower, my memory affects my routine. For example, sometimes I’ll be staring at myself in the mirror* after my shower when I will suddenly think to myself, “have I brushed my teeth already?” And I will have NO IDEA what the answer to that question is. This means I have to go through yet another search for clues (“Is the toothpaste out? Is my toothbrush wet? Does my mouth taste like a goat’s ass?”) before I can leave the house for work.

So, is there a solution to this problem? And, is it really a problem, or just a product of nature? Is this something I can deal with? And furthermore, what was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, my memory. I had another point to make here, but I forgot what it was.


*Never for more than 15 minutes. I’m not a complete narcissist. Okay, maybe 30 minutes. Alright, an hour tops!

40 comments:

  1. What I want to know, is how do you know what a goat's ass smells like?xxx And quit scratching and go take another flea bath!

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  2. so long as you can still remember when you've 'wiped'.....all is still good!
    I will be 35 in the not too distant future....so I know how you're feeling (it happens to us girls too!)

    Jill

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  3. I have a solution.....and in no way am I insinuating it should be me.......you lost me at the "half a pound of wet dog fur" in the shower.....yah....you had your chance. Anyway.....you need a WOMAN in your life Joe. One that isn't plastic. One that can pick up that body wash BEFORE there is a need for day one and finally.....one who will clean that damn mess you call a shower!!! eeeeeew!

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  4. Shanna! I was exaggerating for comedic effect! It was only like a 1/4 pound of dog fur, and the mildew military force was more like a Coast Guard! :-)

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  5. I don't know Shanna...you see I'VE CLEANED Joe's bathroom and I'm still in therapy over it...

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  6. I don't care if it's the Coast Guard or a Life Guard.....that's just gross. **As she rushes off to clean her shower before getting busted with the mildew military force**

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  7. Were you having this "memory problem" BEFORE you washed with Flea and Tick soap?? LOLLLL I'm guessing that might have something to do with it.

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  8. Everyone else has already said enough...I'm just going to say.... LMAO!!! ;)

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  9. gina says i cannot cut ur hair...anymore it has to be silky....if you promise to buy condiomer to ...and remember to use it..i might reconsider..heehee

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  10. OMG, you are too freaking funny. :) I love this. I occasionally will shave one leg, and not the other. Totally forget to do the other one. That's bad.

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  11. I so totally feel you! Once I passed 31, I swear my memory started to fail me too.

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  12. You are in desperate need of a wife.

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  13. Joe,
    Wow! Two things that stun me here.
    1) Man you are funny!!
    2) You need to hire a cleaning woman for that shower!
    Nope don't even think about a getting a woman cause once she sees that shower sh is just going to run screaming into the cold dark night.
    Could be that the mildew is affecting your memeory lol.
    TTFN!
    Rose ~ another one of those da* peas!

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  14. Did you ever buy shampoo and shower gel?

    You gotta go to Costco dear boy! :)

    Unfortunately, I forget that I have purchased stuff, so I have about 5 extra gallons of shampoo stocked in my pantry! :)

    ~K

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  15. You are too funny!! I love reading all these!! I have one request: MORE MORE MORE. :)

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  16. Forgetting whether or not you've shampooed?! *pfffth* That's kid's stuff. Just wait 'til you get married and have kids. LOL It gets worse - you won't believe the crap you forget.

    Then again, if you constantly forget to shampoo/shower/wipe, getting married and having kids wont be an issue. LOL ;)

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  17. Comedy. Every time I read your blog. And this one rocked too.

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  18. I wish I could understand why people think you are funny. Perhaps they need to get out more.

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  19. LOL, Joe! You give new meaning to the words "Lather, Rinse, Repeat!"

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  20. Honestly Joe, it's been almost 2 weeks since your last entry! Maybe you need to spend less time on the scrapbooking board! I love your style of writing, and while I enjoy your posts on 2peas, you need to spend a little more time updating your blog!

    I bet Dave never lets himself get sidetracked by a bunch of women to get his material done!!!

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  21. Hey 2peasinmyass - maybe if YOU pulled the peas that are stuck in your ass out of them, you would get the humor. Until then, continue hating...and enjoy the shorter life that accompanies that (cause laughter really does relieve stress).

    Idiot.

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  22. Hmmm... me thinks Joe has forgotten that he has a blog, too. Heh heh. ;)

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  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  24. dude, someone linked me here... and uh... you must be on the peaboard??

    anyway... there's a reason why girls own more than one bottle of body wash! we will NEVER run out. EVER.

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  25. i'm 28 (and a girl...hmm..woman? are you a woman at 28?) anywho and it happens to me all the time. i guess its b/c i do my best thinking in the shower (unlike other...ahem...places in the bathroom).

    thanks for this post...you just reminded me to: take the face cloths outta the cabinet and into the shower so i can wash my face in the morning and to make sure that i buy soap tomorrow b/c i am scraping soap off of the soap thing-a-ma-bobber to wash up.

    oh and to buy the hubby razors so he doen't have to resort to using mine.

    great blog :)

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  26. Where are you?? I need a Joe fix!! Come on dude :D

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  27. As I am slightly older than you Jo, I have already faced the important question of 'am I losing my memory'. And I can't remember what the answer was lol.

    I too, have had to conduct investigations to see if I've washed my hair. I sometmes have to sniff under the armpit to see if I have put on deoderant! I can't remember if I've fed the fish, so they are either starving, or bloated! And medication - well, let's just say, it's a good thing I no longer take any - because I didn't anyway, I always forgot!
    I am always getting overdue notices, followed by threats, as I haven't paid the bills!

    Thankfully, I can say I remember the important things, like where the chocolate is, to feed the kid, and whether I've wiped! Who cares about the other stuff?

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  28. Joe has forgotten he has a blog...but then again, so have I

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  29. Hey at least you will smell as good as the dog right? :)

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  30. Heh. Six-foot eastern European wife would have kept your shampoo bottle topped off. Doh!

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  31. Don't you think it's about time for you to step away from the message board long enough to update your blog? You keep telling that other blogger how much wittier you are, well show us.

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  32. You keep telling that other blogger how much wittier you are, well show us.


    Not for nothing .. He could just type the letter T over and over as an entry and it would STILL be wittier and better written than "the blog".

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  33. Shhhhhh MSP!! I am trying to get him back into posting his blog!! LOL

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  34. I am not the IB.

    I just wanted to let you know I am having some fun over at *the blog* with the IB. I knew you would appreciate my efforts and the way I went about it. Take a peek.

    And be sure to check out where my blog link leads to. It took some work, but I think it looks good.

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  35. ...you need a WOMAN in your life Joe.

    Well, maybe not need, but at least you wouldn't have to resort to using dog shampoo for body wash. That stuff reaks. If you had a woman in your life, you could've left the house smelling like Sun Ripened Rasberries instead. ;)

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  36. OK Joe, it's pretty sad when that other blogger is getting to be a lot funnier than you.............ohhh but wait....maybe that's because he/she actually blogs!!! All we have been getting from you is empty promises!

    Plah, I am going to quit checking this place of yours.

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  37. Simmons,
    Just post something. I'm sure it is going to suck and not be funny anyway. It's not like you do anything fun in your life.

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  38. Well, you haven't been on our thread tonight.. so I thought... maybe, just maybe he had updated his blog.... uh NOPE. And I posted a thread for you :)

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  39. I have the remedy for your memory loss...only if I could remember what it is...

    Hey, don't worry, I'v been forgetting things ever since I was a teenager!

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