Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Blog is Alive!

I’m back.

Yes, it has been a while since the last update of Humor, Comedy, Life and Other Random Neural Firings by Joseph Simmons. I apologize for the lack of new content, but I know my loyal readers are understanding of my needed time off. You see, great writers like Stephen King, George Will, Dave Barry and myself all need an occasional sabbatical to get the “creative juices” flowing again. Now that I’ve had my rest, I am ready to crack my knuckles and get bloggin’ again.

One thing I should mention: I would like to thank my readers for the hundreds of e-mails complimenting my writing and encouraging me to continue. Okay, maybe “hundreds” is an overstatement. It was more like “twelve”. But still, it is certainly nice to know that there were those out there in readerland who were missing me. In fact, I’ll be happy to share a few of those kind e-mails with you right now. Let’s go to my inbox:

Dear Joe,
Where do you get the nerve to call yourself a writer? This is complete garbage! You are a certified idiot. If your blog was the only website left on the web, I’d cancel my Internet service and throw a rock through my computer monitor. Why, I—


Whoops! Um, looks like I clicked on the wrong e-mail there. I wonder who that message was intended for. Uh, ha-ha, must be a zillion “Joes” on the Internet. Ha-ha. Okay, let’s try another message:

Mr. Simmons,
Congratulations and thank you for your subscription to HotNakedSororityGirls.com! Your $19.99 a month subscription entitles you to unlimited—


WHOOPS! Okay, maybe we don’t need to be looking in my e-mail box, like ever again. Because you just never know what kind of, you know, um, spam, yes, SPAM, you may find in there. Anyway, my point (yes, I did have one) was, I am flattered that people are enjoying my blog, and I wish I could update it every day. Alas, as a mortgage broker I have a pretty full schedule, making daily updates impossible. Just as an example, here is a typical morning for me:

6:00 AM: Alarm clock goes off. I turn it off and immediately get up and start my day.

6:30 AM: If you believe the line for 6:00 AM, you are, no offense, a complete moron. No mortgage broker-slash-humor writer has ever willingly gotten up at six o’clock in the morning without the threat of a house fire. And even if I did smell smoke, I’d probably assume that I could still get another 45 minutes of sleep “before the fire gets real bad”.

7:00 AM: I’m still completely and thoroughly unconscious, most likely dreaming about Keira Knightley. Have not moved at all except possibly to scratch my butt.

7:30 AM: Alarm actually goes off. I don’t even touch it. I just glare at it. It knows. It turns itself off and apologizes. I go back to sleep.

7:39 AM: Alarm goes off again. I slam on the “snooze” button. I say to the alarm clock, “I probably should go ahead and get up”. We both have a hearty laugh as I go back to sleep.

7:48 AM: Alarm goes off yet again. I reach for the “snooze” button again, but this time it dodges my hand. I reach to slam it again. It jukes me again. I curse at it. It replies, “No more snoozes, lazy ass!” “Please, one more!” I reply. It asks, “Do you promise to replace my emergency battery? I’ve had the same dead 9-volt since the Clinton administration!” I agree to.

7:57 AM: Alarm goes off for the final time. Instead of hitting snooze, I actually turn it off. I sit up…then I crawl back into bed. The alarm clock is powerless. I chuckle.

8:34 AM: I wake to a constant whining. As I slowly obtain clear vision, I notice I am looking directly at my dog’s eyes, and she is telling me, in no uncertain terms, that she will not be held responsible for any mess that is created if I don’t let her outside right now.

Of course at that point I am up, so I get ready for work and then actually go. Of course, I can’t blog while I’m at the office…it would interfere with all the sitting around I have to do. And I work late hours a lot, so that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time in the evening to write either. Even on the days I do get home at a decent hour I usually spend that extra time drinking two-for-one beers at happy hour volunteering or spending quality time with my family.

Ahh…but not to worry. I now know that I have a responsibility to my readers. So I will make every effort possible to find the time to keep this blog updated with a new essay at least once a week, with maybe a humorous blurb in-between. Because I know, deep in my heart, that every one of you will thank me by clicking on my Google ad above.

38 comments:

  1. NOt a single commment about 2p's... *POUT*

    YAY!! congradulations! you updated!

    Courtney Lynne

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  2. Well its about damned time!!! lol Where is my flat screen tv?
    Tyra

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  3. It's about time!! Thanks for making me laugh!
    ...and you should be so honored, because I stopped dialing my votes for American Idol just to read your blog!!
    That says a lot....so be nice to me! (insert mad smiley followed by grin smiley) just kidding!

    Good job...thanks a lot now you gave me bloggers block!

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  4. So, I've been missing out, eh?

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  5. I am in shock... You actually updated your blog... Wonder how long before you update it again... I'll start taking bets.

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  6. So um, are you putting batteries on your list next to body wash? Or are you just going to wait until the next election?

    Glad you finally updated!

    M in Chicago

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  7. WOW!

    Really, do you think your blog is read until France???

    ;-)

    Do you find your bottle of shampoo?
    I didn't found the brand you used, & so I can't sleep on night because of this :

    Joe does he arrived to wash his hair or not???

    What a trouble to me!

    ;-)

    It's a mix between the humor & spirit of the Joe & Phoebe of "Friends". How do we can resist?

    When the "Joe Simmons TV Show" will on channels???

    ;-)

    Go on to make us laugh!

    MEGA "HA" PEA MEMBER

    Prolix

    http://spaces.msn.com/lepetitscraperonjaune/

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  8. Joe..Glad to see the updated blog..I do have to say it wasn't quite what I was expecting..a little bit of a let down, after all that time you spent working on it...LOL...NO it was great!! Made me laugh as usual..good to have ya back!

    ~~Morgan (a.k.a. Daltonsmum}

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  9. Joe,

    You are a funny man and your writing style is great too. When are you going to escape from Cape Coma and move to LA to become a comedy writer fulltime?

    Steph

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  10. Yes, been waiting with bated breath for your next post. I only just discovered you and you went on sabbatical. I can really understand how you can't fit blogging into the 'busy' schedule.

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  11. Simmons,
    Nice blog. Apparently my threat of not feeding you for awhile as worked. I still think you were a little generous with the times that your alarm goes off. Didn't I call you at 10 the other day and wake you up???

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  12. Dare I say I am new to Joes world .....Or as the Joe Turns
    whatever ,, You keep me laughing , and that is not easy to do... More More More ........Nola

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  13. Dude. Missed you. Blog more often. And by more often I mean right now. :)

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  14. Joe, you can't say you don't have time to blog. If you would spend a little less time pea-ing, you would have plenty of time to blog. But then, the whole pea-dom will be hunting you down and wondering if you've ran off with a pea. Or, maybe some would suspect that you were pea-napped.

    Thanks for updating your blog. I got a good laugh...something I've been needing.

    Mari
    wardjmjk

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  15. you're funny. i like that.

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  16. ok joe.. I came.. I saw.. I clickied.. 3times. (bet you've never heard that before.. *wink*)

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  17. jessica alba is SOOOO much hotter than keira knightley!!!

    heh... go SABRES!

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  18. just a good address for you :

    http://www.lorealparis.fr/Catalog/HairCare/haircare.asp


    ahah!

    "parce que je le vaux bien !"

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  19. Well it's about darned time. I swear... I even waited about three days after your bulletin (ok cuz I didn't see it when you first posted it) before coming over here because I didn't really believe it was true ;)

    Oh Steffie... What're the odds right now? I'd love to get in on that bet :)

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  20. A new fan of your Blog Joe... I love it.. The scratching your butt thing...well...maybe you could have left that out?? Butt then again...Anywho...thanks for the post...

    Suz

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  21. I was just poking around 2Ps tonight and saw something you had posted and clicked on the link -- glad I did! I am thoroughly impressed with how comical your blog entries are at 3am. I, like so many other (as I understand it), have linked your blog to mine so I can constantly check your not-so-regularly updated blog. Keep 'em coming (please!). Your blog entries are great to read! Thanks for the laughs! {Hey - I'm a Flip too!}

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  22. Yahoo! You finally updated your blog.....I should go on vacation more often. I hope you keep up with your once a week updates. And NOW I understand what banker's hours are! A mortgage broker is kinda like a banker, right?

    Quack

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  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  24. John Mc Millan5/31/2006 02:19:00 AM

    I need a decent proposal for my new villa-project, 31 villa's at the seaside, the Northsea.
    look also into :

    www.knokkestraat.8k.com

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  25. your calendar must be different than mine.....:)On my Calendar there are exactly SEVEN days per week....

    Your last post was, what, May 23????

    that means it's been over TWO WEEKS since I had me a 'cup a JOE'.....(by my calendar at least!)

    I am hurtin' here I tell ya!

    But should I really be surprised??? After all - you call yourself 'slower joe'! ;)

    Jill

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  26. oh, you are funny! i found your blog site via 2ps. thanks for the laugh. i've read your entire blog. oh, and don't bother coming to my blog... too much estrogen-induced commentary with a bit of scrapbooking thrown in. very boring stuff for such a hip, young guy like you on the prowl. ;)

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  27. Hey Joe,
    Apparently this weekly post takes a month to complete. I hope you don't tell me we should be able to close our mortgage in a week !!!

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  29. "Relly said...
    Oh Steffie... What're the odds right now? I'd love to get in on that bet :)

    May 25, 2006 2:40 PM "

    Damn... I knew I should have started to take bets! :)~

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  30. YAY JOE!!! Your website is awesome. Thanks so much for sharing, and for finally getting back to me to let me know that you are alive and well. Have been working a lot on my herbs (made up a bunch of Rosemary for my stupid heartburn) but still have yet to return to my chain maille. Didn't even make it to the Ren Faire this year (sob sob) Anywho, enough about me. Seems as though you have quite the fan club!!! Git er' done!!!Keep up the good work. So now you get to add me as a loyal fan. WHOOPEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Love ya!!!

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  31. Hey y'all...I figured that I would share with you that I think Angelina Jolie is the absolute hottest. Anyone else out there agree with me??????? (blush) And hey...how can I put my name in here like everyone else did? Being as though I am a veteran flyer now and all, I deserve it!!! (so Joe, when am I gonna run onto you again? O'hare??????) Love ya!!!

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  32. Okay...I'm an idiot. Took me a while, but I figured it out!!! If I click on "other" it gives me the option to leave my name. Anonymous usually means that it won't list a name unless you PUT it there. I'm the slow one......I think I've been sniffing too much lavender. TEE-HEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  33. Okay...I'm an idiot. Took me a while, but I figured it out!!! If I click on "other" it gives me the option to leave my name. Anonymous usually means that it won't list a name unless you PUT it there. I'm the slow one......I think I've been sniffing too much lavender. TEE-HEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  34. oh, you are funny! i found your blog site via 2ps. thanks for the laugh. i've read your entire blog. oh, and don't bother coming to my blog... too much estrogen-induced commentary with a bit of scrapbooking thrown in. very boring stuff for such a hip, young guy like you on the prowl. ;)

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  35. ok joe.. I came.. I saw.. I clickied.. 3times. (bet you've never heard that before.. *wink*)

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  36. So, I've been missing out, eh?

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