I Stayed Home This Morning and Watched Enthralling, Amazing, High-Quality Daytime TV

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"—Are you overweight? Do you regularly get made fun of at parties? Was your nickname in college 'Hippo Harriet'? And your name wasn't even Harriet? Then we here at the Obesity Research Institute have great news—"

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"—I'm Wilford Brimley, and I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about Medicare supplemental insurance. Do you realize Medicare hates you? Have you—"

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"—and with us is Dow Jones market expert Fred Moneypits. Fred, where do you see the market headed today?"

"Well, the jump overnight in Japanese tech stocks has really given American investors a confidence boost. The market will undoubtedly go up today."

"That's fantastic news, Fred! Your forecast says it will go up?"

"Oh, definitely, Rick. Unless it goes down."

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"—all I do is drop the tablet in the tank and you can see for yourself how the Mildew Fighting Polymers keep my toilet perfectly clean with no scrubbing!"

"You're RIGHT! And I love how it changes the color of the water to green!"

"Green? It's supposed to be bl—oh, wait a second." (Flush)

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"—been injured on the job? Have you been injured on commercial property? Have you been injured while thinking about a Fortune 500 Company? Then we here at Wewill, Sueyer, Assoff, and Howe believe you have a case and should be compensated. Please call—"

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"—you don't need to exercise! You don't need to change your diet! You can shovel entire buffet tables down your throat and sit motionless on your couch and you will STILL lose weight with this amazing pill!! And if you order now, we will—"

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"If you are relying solely on Medicare, I have a message for you. Hi, I'm Dwight D. Eisenhower, and I'm here to tell you about a new Medicare supplement program that—"

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"—oh yeah, the market is heading right to the crapper today. Wait, can I say 'crapper' on TV?"

"It's fine, Fred. But didn't you just say that the market was heading up?"

"Yes, it IS heading up, but in a downward direction. I know that may be hard to understand, but remember, I'm the Dow Jones market expert, not any of you chowderheads."

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"—and with New Improved Klorox Bleach, I'll never have to worry about my husband noticing dirty spots on my kitchen floor again!"

"That's fantastic! Wait, what are you doing?"

"Putting the bleach in his soup. That bastard won't be bitching about the floor anymore, that's for sure."

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"—Are you forced to buy two plane tickets due to your large ass? Do you have to grease your doorway just to get into your house? Have whales ever tried to push you back in the ocean? Do your high heels mysteriously become flats? Have you—"

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"Do you realize Medicare is sending hitmen out for you at this very moment? Hi, I'm Edgar Allan Poe, here to talk to you about Medicare Supplements—"

(Click) "I really see the market going kind of sideways now, and doing some loop-de-loops around—" (Click) "—just spray on the window, wipe, and your windows will be clean enough to peek at your neighbors who actually do have a sex life—" (Click) "BUY IT! BUY THIS PILL NOW YOU FAT-ASS!! YOU TUB OF LARD!! BUY—" (Click) "—Medicare? I'm Christopher Columbus, here to—" (Click) "I believe our market has been having an affair with the German market—" (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click) (Click)

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