Revenge of the Facebook Survey

(Because I seemingly get tagged in every single facebook survey ever written, I finally did one myself. Unfortunately, this one got a little out of control. The ones who are tagged can do this one if they like, but I'm warning you: You may die. Also, MySpace friends may recognize a few questions on here. Hey, it's okay for me to plagiarize myself, okay?)

1. Where did you take your profile pic?

I was performing standup at Reserve. Also, I was on fire. I mistakenly thought it would make me funnier.

2. What exactly are you wearing right now?

The same clothes I wore out last night. Though I did change into a thong for comfort.

3. What is your current problem?

I am currently looking for new employment but have absolutely no motivation to be employed. Unless, of course, you are a potential employer scanning my profile, in which case I'm extremely motivated to work hard in order to achieve the goals that will make your company great.

4. What makes you happy most?

Writing humor, whether it is standup, a humor essay, or a shitty survey like this.

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to?

Listen, you dumbass survey: I’m male. That means I can’t multitask. So I can’t have music on when I’m writing any more than a typical girl can talk on a cell phone while driving. Unless this is a potential employer, in which case multitasking makes me stronger.

6. Any celeb you would marry?

Who created this survey? A middle schooler? This is a stupid, silly, immature question. And, Keira Knightley.

7. Name someone with the same birthday as you?

Nobody. This is true. I’m the first and only person every born on January 23rd.

8. Ever sang by yourself in front of a large audience?

No, but I have simulated sex with other species on stage. I bet that so-called “entertainer” Justin Timberlake has never tried that.

9. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?

Yes. I get Keanu Reeves and the lead singer from Hoobastank, which I’m cool with. Then I also get Jerry Seinfeld and Gilbert Gottfried, which makes me want to dunk my face in a McDonald’s deep fryer.

10. Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?

Why did you spell “kiddie” two different ways? And why do say “kiddie” in the first place? Use “children’s”. “Kiddie” makes me think that answering this question will earn me a sit-down with Chris Hansen.

11. Do you know any languages?

Ooog. Ungff. No me know no language. Me hungry!

12. I’m getting the feeling you are starting to mock me.

Um, what? That’s not a question.

13. You think you’re better than I am, don’t you?

Yes, but only because I am an actual human being and you are a stupid shitty survey. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

14. You are really starting to annoy me. Us facebook surveys are a little tired of all you dumbasses responding to our questions with half-ass or smartass answers, thinking you're funny when in general, most of you really suck at humor.

Okay, hang on a second here: how are you responding to me?

15. Sorry, dickhead. I'm the survey, I ask the questions. Speaking of, let's turn it up a notch. Honestly, why aren't you married yet?

That's none of your business. Besides, I just haven't met the right—

16. You're gay, aren't you? You're a flaming homo!

NO I ABSOLUTELY AM NOT. Not that there's anything wrong with that! But I assure you I'm 100% heterosexual. Listen, I don't have to finish this stupid survey—

17. Whatever, queerbait. Honestly, when was the last time you got laid?

I generally don't talk about my sex life on—

18. Chicken.

I am NOT a chi—

19. BWAWK BOCK BOCK BOCK!!!

What the hell kind of crazy survey is this? You're making fun of me?

20. Stop dodging the question.

I'm not answering it! Up yours! I only started this stupid survey because I was bored!

21. Ohhhh…"Mr. Hot-Shot Comedian" is too good for us lowly facebook surveys unless he's reeeally bored.

Listen, I've got nothing against surveys. It's just that I usually focus my creative energy on my material.

22. Yeah, I've heard your stuff. You really should stick to surveys.

Screw you. I like my work. Now I insist you answer my question: How in the hell is a facebook survey responding to my answers?

23. Oh, that's easy.

So? What's the answer? How are you doing it?

24. The answer is: you're not right in the head.

What?

25. You know I'm right, don't you?

Shut up.