When it comes to spending your hard-earned dollar
at the best price possible, let's face it: there are really only two
choices anymore. Either you are one-stop shopping at the brainchild of
Sam Walton or you're doing the same at the newer*, cleaner, friendlier,
less deadly and certainly more red-colored Target.
* I don't know for an absolute fact that Target is a newer chain than Wal-Mart. Luckily, I am humorist and not a journalist so I can just make up shit and suffer no consequences. Nyaah nyaah nyaah.
Today, I left the house knowing I needed a few groceries, plus some wheel cleaner for my car. After about ten minutes I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, found a safe spot, then asked myself what in the Sam Hell I was doing there. For whatever reason, I just drove, zombie-like, right to Wally World. I have no idea why, as I have a miserable experience every single time I go, usually punctuated by a wait in line that could easily eclipse a college semester. So right then and there I pulled out of the parking lot and headed over to the brand-new Super Target.
Holy cow, what a difference!
In order to illustrate the disparity in the shopping experience between Wal-Mart and Target, I'll reveal to you, verbatim, actual quotes I've uttered in each store:
About the hottie factor:
At Target: "That chick is so damn hot I'll risk pretending I'm actually shopping for nail polish to check her out."
At Wal-Mart: "How on Earth can a woman block an entire aisle by herself?"*
*This is a true story. A few weeks ago I witnessed an, uh, "fitness-challenged" girl and her shopping cart manage to block an entire wide aisle by herself. If we ever want to get serious about illegal immigration, we should just station Wal-Mart shoppers on the Texas-Mexico border. It'll only take about five of them.
About the parking lot:
At Target: "Wow, there are a lot of shopping cart returns here."
At Wal-Mart: "Exactly how many damn handicapped spaces does a parking lot need?"
About the stocking of product:
At Target: "There is so much selection, I'm not sure which one to buy!"
At Wal-Mart: "Great, they have every item here except the one on sale."*
*The display model was available, but since it looked like it had been dropped into the Grand Canyon, hitting every boulder on the way down, I passed.
About the availability of cashiers:
At Target: "I think they have too many cashiers available. I guess I'll pick the hottest one."
At Wal-Mart: "What the hell is at the end of this line?!? Space Mountain?!?"
I think you can now see why, after suffering for so many years with Wal-Misery, I will from now on drive an extra ten minutes and shop at Target.
Hey, I wonder if I can get Target to pay me for this blog.
© 2008, Joseph Simmons
This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this blog at may be posted or distributed without written permission.
* I don't know for an absolute fact that Target is a newer chain than Wal-Mart. Luckily, I am humorist and not a journalist so I can just make up shit and suffer no consequences. Nyaah nyaah nyaah.
Today, I left the house knowing I needed a few groceries, plus some wheel cleaner for my car. After about ten minutes I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, found a safe spot, then asked myself what in the Sam Hell I was doing there. For whatever reason, I just drove, zombie-like, right to Wally World. I have no idea why, as I have a miserable experience every single time I go, usually punctuated by a wait in line that could easily eclipse a college semester. So right then and there I pulled out of the parking lot and headed over to the brand-new Super Target.
Holy cow, what a difference!
In order to illustrate the disparity in the shopping experience between Wal-Mart and Target, I'll reveal to you, verbatim, actual quotes I've uttered in each store:
About the hottie factor:
At Target: "That chick is so damn hot I'll risk pretending I'm actually shopping for nail polish to check her out."
At Wal-Mart: "How on Earth can a woman block an entire aisle by herself?"*
*This is a true story. A few weeks ago I witnessed an, uh, "fitness-challenged" girl and her shopping cart manage to block an entire wide aisle by herself. If we ever want to get serious about illegal immigration, we should just station Wal-Mart shoppers on the Texas-Mexico border. It'll only take about five of them.
About the parking lot:
At Target: "Wow, there are a lot of shopping cart returns here."
At Wal-Mart: "Exactly how many damn handicapped spaces does a parking lot need?"
About the stocking of product:
At Target: "There is so much selection, I'm not sure which one to buy!"
At Wal-Mart: "Great, they have every item here except the one on sale."*
*The display model was available, but since it looked like it had been dropped into the Grand Canyon, hitting every boulder on the way down, I passed.
About the availability of cashiers:
At Target: "I think they have too many cashiers available. I guess I'll pick the hottest one."
At Wal-Mart: "What the hell is at the end of this line?!? Space Mountain?!?"
I think you can now see why, after suffering for so many years with Wal-Misery, I will from now on drive an extra ten minutes and shop at Target.
Hey, I wonder if I can get Target to pay me for this blog.
© 2008, Joseph Simmons
This column is protected by intellectual property laws, including U.S. copyright laws. Electronic or print reproduction, adaptation, or distribution without permission is prohibited. Ordinary links to this blog at may be posted or distributed without written permission.
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