Sunday, July 12, 2009

Target vs. Wal-Mart, the Cage Match

When it comes to spending your hard-earned dollar at the best price possible, let's face it: there are really only two choices anymore. Either you are one-stop shopping at the brainchild of Sam Walton or you're doing the same at the newer*, cleaner, friendlier, less deadly and certainly more red-colored Target.

* I don't know for an absolute fact that Target is a newer chain than Wal-Mart. Luckily, I am humorist and not a journalist so I can just make up shit and suffer no consequences. Nyaah nyaah nyaah.

Today, I left the house knowing I needed a few groceries, plus some wheel cleaner for my car. After about ten minutes I pulled into the Wal-Mart parking lot, found a safe spot, then asked myself what in the Sam Hell I was doing there. For whatever reason, I just drove, zombie-like, right to Wally World. I have no idea why, as I have a miserable experience every single time I go, usually punctuated by a wait in line that could easily eclipse a college semester. So right then and there I pulled out of the parking lot and headed over to the brand-new Super Target.

Holy cow, what a difference!

In order to illustrate the disparity in the shopping experience between Wal-Mart and Target, I'll reveal to you, verbatim, actual quotes I've uttered in each store:

About the hottie factor:

At Target: "That chick is so damn hot I'll risk pretending I'm actually shopping for nail polish to check her out."

At Wal-Mart: "How on Earth can a woman block an entire aisle by herself?"*

*This is a true story. A few weeks ago I witnessed an, uh, "fitness-challenged" girl and her shopping cart manage to block an entire wide aisle by herself. If we ever want to get serious about illegal immigration, we should just station Wal-Mart shoppers on the Texas-Mexico border. It'll only take about five of them.

About the parking lot:

At Target: "Wow, there are a lot of shopping cart returns here."

At Wal-Mart: "Exactly how many damn handicapped spaces does a parking lot need?"

About the stocking of product:

At Target: "There is so much selection, I'm not sure which one to buy!"

At Wal-Mart: "Great, they have every item here except the one on sale."*

*The display model was available, but since it looked like it had been dropped into the Grand Canyon, hitting every boulder on the way down, I passed.

About the availability of cashiers:

At Target: "I think they have too many cashiers available. I guess I'll pick the hottest one."

At Wal-Mart: "What the hell is at the end of this line?!? Space Mountain?!?"

I think you can now see why, after suffering for so many years with Wal-Misery, I will from now on drive an extra ten minutes and shop at Target.

Hey, I wonder if I can get Target to pay me for this blog.

© 2008, Joseph Simmons

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