Friday, March 03, 2006

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

I've been wracking my brains (I have more than one) trying to make up some humorous crap for a new column. Silly me...I forgot the best humor comes from real life:

You can’t make this stuff up (Part I): I knew today would be just a banner day from the moment I woke up all the way to the moment I yawned, stretched and threw out my back.

Yes. What a way to start the day. I apparently “slept wrong”. This is an amazing concept to me. I’ve screwed up a lot of things in my life, but I’ve always learned from my mistakes and moved on. So exactly how do you screw up sleeping? Is there a manual? Did I not follow the directions? And how am I supposed to learn a lesson from this? Am I supposed to never yawn again?

Anyway, I knew I was going to have to go get a chiropractic adjustment and some muscle treatment. My chiropractor is extremely competent and books up fast, and I also knew that on Wednesdays and Fridays he only works a half-day. His customer service motto is “never miss a tee time”. So I groped for my cell phone and called his office. They said he was already booked, but that they could squeeze me in if I got there in 10 minutes.

At this point, I should back up and mention that I had worked out at the gym the night before and immediately went to my parents’ house for dinner. I ended up staying the night and woke there the next morning. So I probably smelled like an old gym bag, had no time for a shower, brought no fresh clothes to change into, and had ten minutes to get to the chiropractor or else suffer excruciating back pain for an entire weekend. I had no choice. I had to go “as-is”.

So I lurched Frankenstein-like to the front door to grab my gym shoes, when suddenly I felt a warm wet sensation under my left foot.

“Oh,” my dad said. “ I think your damn dog peed on the carpet again.”

Now I was livid. I had no other socks to wear. I had to make a choice:

1. Have my chiropractor fix my back, while exposing him to a refreshing aromatic blend of bad B.O., old gym clothes, and dog urine, or
2. Stagger around for three days randomly yelping.

Well, let’s just say I’m glad my chiropractor didn’t charge me extra. He probably, however, took his adjustment table out back and burned it.

You can’t make this stuff up (Part II): This afternoon, I was working on a mortgage file when I received a phone call:

“Hi, this is so-and-so* from Collision Revision and Neal told me to call you.”

Not shocking so far. I have a friend named Neal that works for an auto-body shop. “Hi, how are you?” I replied.

“I’m great,” she said. “Listen, we’ve had a Ford Expedition here for a few days now, and we’d really like to begin working on it. However, there’s a problem. You see, the thing is, it is absolutely infested with cockroaches. And we can’t bring a vehicle like that into one of our bays, because they’ll crawl around and lay eggs in the other vehicles.”

“Um…okay,” I said, wondering where this was going.

“Can you believe it?" She asked. “A vehicle with roaches EVERYWHERE. I don’t know how these people live. Anyway, I don’t know if you handle automobiles, but we would like to use your services. We understand it is an unusual request.”

“Well,” I said. “It is definitely an unusual request of a mortgage broker. I rarely deal with extermination. Though I have been to some real estate closings that made humans want to die.”

“You’re WHAT? I’m sorry! I think Neal gave me the wrong Joe.”

“Yes, I think so. And tell him he still needs to repaint my front fender.”

You can’t make this stuff up (Part III): Here’s a tip for all you up-and-coming humor writers: Try not to piss off an entire gender. About a week ago I posted a column where I blamed all chain e-mails solely on women. Since then, I have received countless e-mails from women saying things like:

1. They receive chain e-mails from men all the time.
2. Their uncle sends them three chain e-mails a day.
3. They personally never forward chain e-mails.
4. I should do some research before I write anything.
5. I am very unfunny.
6. My work is comparable to excrement.

By way of sincere apology, let me announce to all of those who complained that everyone has a different view on this matter, and yours is wrong. REAL men would never send a chain e-mail. The only way you received a chain e-mail from a man is that he is a man hiding an “alternative” lifestyle. I also promise you that he took great care not to distribute the chain to any other men. (Really! Go check!)

One side benefit to that column is that I’ve now become a Fabulous Famous Internet Star…to a group of about 20,000 female scrapbookers. I am not making this up. (I KNOW this is a Dave Barry catchphrase, dammit. But what am I supposed to say? I’m really not making this up!) A fellow blogger announced on a scrapbooking message board called Two Peas in a Bucket (don't ask...I have NO idea what it means) that I had made fun of all women, and therefore she wanted to play a practical joke on me. She asked everyone to post comments on this blog claiming that they forwarded my column to all of their friends, wonderful things happened as a result and that chain letters really worked.

Well, as the old saying goes, "you have to get up pretty early in the morning to put all your eggs in one basket with your shoe on the other foot up a tree with the wool over my eyes". My site meter tells me where the referring website is that I get each visitor from. So I went to that message board, registered as a member, and let them know that they were busted. I was very friendly, and I have been posting there pretty regularly ever since. They seem like a group of wonderful caring women, and as a token of their sincere appreciation, they make sure to continue to bash me daily.

And finally, the most miraculous thing to happen today: I got my craptop computer back!

For those that haven’t been following this ongoing saga, I was pretty sure the Second Coming was going to happen before I would ever be stroking this keyboard again. However, I received an e-mail yesterday saying that my craptop was ready and being shipped. So when I heard the doorbell ring earlier today, the first thought through my mind (other than “I am almost positive I paid the electric this month”) was “Can this be?”

It was. Thank goodness. I can blog again. I’m BACK, baby!

*Obviously, her name wasn’t “so-and-so”. It was “what’s-her-face”.


  1. Go 'head. Admit you're a Pea.

    Chele ;)

  2. Bashing you every day? Hey, didn't I ask you to be a cabana boy? Harrumph.

  3. You're not alone, my dh occasionally "peas". My uncle, who is a real man, forwards stupid chain letters(which I delete)and hunts on the internet for idiotic stuff to forward to large groups of people...yes, including to other men. So much for your theory.

    Is the "slow_joe" name from the Dr. Seuss book 'Fox in Sox'? My 5yo DD likes to read about Slow Joe Crow.

  4. "I’ve now become a Fabulous Famous Internet Star…to a group of about 20,000 female scrapbookers. I am not making this up"

    This made me laugh! I mean it's true, but still funny!

  5. Ahh Joe, We only bash because we care. and my Dh says real men dont blog... so there.

  6. Joe, Joe, Joe, they'll just use you, and then toss you aside...sigh

  7. Come into the coven. You're bookmarked Joe. Love your stuff!

  8. You are such a blog whore Ü

  9. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  10. ~*Miss Priss*~3/04/2006 05:51:00 AM

    God, I love it! You're hot, funny & a pea! *Ü*

  11. I wonder if two pea's should set up a dating service on the side?? ;) ;)

  12. BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!! A man who posts on Two Peas??????? Say it isn't so!!!! I'm hosting a PEA CROP in Mesa, AZ next month at the Hilton. At least 70 of us PEAS will be there! You wanna come sign some autographs? LOL

    Are you single? I am! (wink) Check out my blog! I have a recent pic but ya gotta scroll down a bit. Dang........I have no shame! Hee hee!!

  13. Joe actually was a cabana boy some years back. In fact, it is rumored that he posed for some ads for Cabana Boy rum.

  14. Is it just me or does Joe kind of look like Adam Corolla? Not that it's a bad thing. He's kind of sexy in a bad boy kind of way.

  15. You've even got a Pea-green background on your blog!!

    You be a Pea, Joe!

  16. If you ask nicely, we'll tell you the secret of what 2Ps really means...

  17. About the commenters who said Joe is hot and sexy, you are not alone. The day Joe arrived at prison the commissary completely sold out of cigarettes because guys were buying up cartons of them to bid on him. Mighty popular.

  18. To Anonymous who said Joe was in prison, did you lose the bid?

  19. This was great to read Joe-

    Oh and welcome to the pod


  20. Yep, ever since Joe showed up on Two peas there have been tons of posts about him. I daresay the site has seen more traffic due to Joe than anything else in recent days. Welcome to the Pod :)

  21. You are a pea and you stepped in pee. Heh. :)

    I for the record have never bashed you. Only sent you love. You better recognize. :)

  22. Joe, I've never really enjoyed reading blogs until yours was passed to me through the infamous chain e-mail. I love your blog!

    Are you on myspace? There is a guy on myspace named "Joe" and it seems everyone has him as a friend. Seriously, check him out.

  23. awww i don't like these women being so mean to you, i agree with the chain thing, it's not all women but it's wishful thinking women...step into reality all... good fortune comes to those who actual do something, aside from daydream!


  24. Ok. So your blog is funny. Why only update it every few days? I mean I check daily. Sometimes a few times a day. I'm bored. I have no life.

    help a sistah out.

  25. Well, now that you and several of theg ladies got banned from 2peas, you can write all about what happened so the rest of us know the truth! LMAO

  26. I missed out on what happened to get you guys banned, however I wanted to say thay you seem like a genuinely nice guy and I'm sorry it happened...

  27. Hey Joe, sorry you got banned from 2peas. I missed the thread so I'm not too sure what actually transpired there, but sounds like you got caught up in the craziness. I enjoyed reading your posts and your blog, and will miss you on 2peas. At least I can read your blog. You're a funny guy.

  28. well don't forget you can always join again under a new name. I bet if you use the word 'pea' or 'scrap' in your user name no one will even think twice. Maybe just pretend to be a lesbian so you can eye up all the girls and not come off as a total guy ;)

  29. Do you still live at home with your parents? Cuz if you do, maybe if you moved out, you could get a girlfriend!

  30. LOL...No, I just stayed the night with my folks that night. I've thought about moving back in, though. :-)

  31. Ummmmmmm...what the hell is a pea??? Am I one?


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