I just came up with a brilliant idea of how I’m going to become rich, and it involves my butt-crack.
I got the idea from the three newspapers I find in my yard every week. Now bear in mind, I don’t have a subscription to any paper. I haven’t had one since about 1999, mainly because of the Internet. Who needs a newspaper when they give their crap away free online? It makes no sense. Regardless, the fatheads that run these newspapers apparently think if they keep throwing me a free one every week, eventually I’ll read their tripe, like it, and subscribe. But that isn’t even close to what happens. What really transpires is:
- Some jackass throws a newspaper in my yard at
- I, not having a subscription, do not expect a paper so I don’t see it as I pull out of my driveway to go to work.
- When I get home I may or may not see it, and may not pick it up even if I do see it, because I didn’t want the stupid thing in the first place and resent having to deal with it.
- It rains.
- I end up cleaning newspaper-slush off my driveway with a trowel while uttering expletives and fantasizing about shooting the jackass’s tires out.
Obviously, this pisses me off. I have never read a damn word out of any of these papers in the four years I’ve owned this house. But how do I cancel a newspaper subscription I don’t have? I would pay these jackasses to NOT throw their stupid papers in my yard!
Bingo.
Did you read that? As a businessman, blogger, and World Champion Lazy Ass, I am always on the lookout for ways to make money by not doing something. So this gives me a great idea: The Butt-Crack Postcard. The plan is simple. I’m going to get the address of every single person in a given city and start mailing them all a postcard about three times a week. The picture on it will be nothing but my bare ass, in super high resolution so you can see all the detail. When you flip the card over, you’ll see: the same picture of my ass. There’ll be no escaping it! At the bottom of each side it’ll say:
We sincerely hope you are enjoying the postcards we have been sending you and will continue to send you three times a week for the rest of your life. However, if you wish, you can subscribe to unsubscribe for the low, low price of $79.99 a year. Just send a check or money order to:
Simmons Full Moon Enterprises, LLC
Isn’t this idea brilliant? People will be paying me not to moon them anymore! Pretty soon, I’ll have every single person in an entire city sending me eighty bucks a year to do absolutely nothing! Man, I love capitalism.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have postcards to make up. Um, anyone want to volunteer to take a few pictures?
I swear Joe. You always put a smile on my face! Love it! Best idea I have heard in a while! LMAO
ReplyDeleteBefore unsubscribing from your blog, I would first like to see what I will be missing by NOT receiving the cards you are suggesting.
ReplyDeletePlease post :)
Thank you, Heather.
ReplyDeleteAs for anonymous, would you prefer matte or glossy?
:-)
Ok, never mind...I'm still sort of disturbed... :-0 :-0 :-0 :-) :-) :-) Kidding! (Of course)
ReplyDeleteSensible Jones says:-
ReplyDelete(In my best English Accent)
That is a cracking idea!!!
Matte or Glossy isn't important...but the topping counts. I had caramel in mind. I should get a google account.
ReplyDeleteHahaha that is genius Joe!! They have the same newspaper scam in my town. Except if the poor pathetic newspaperboy happens to catch you as you're coming and going from your home, he tries to hit you up for a "voluntary" subscription fee - GRRRR.
ReplyDeleteI actually wrote to the newspaper office once saying stop dropping your garbage on my drively. It didn't help :-(
Now I see that I must PAY them not to deliver it....
I totally volunteer to take the pictures!
ReplyDeleteBut, um, aren't you worried it might be a tad illegal?
*driveway that is.
ReplyDeleteI just woke up from a nap
I actually subscribed to MySpace Beau's blogs and site because of his thong *sigh*
ReplyDeleteSassy.
I would like to have a postcard of your butt-crack just to have one.
ReplyDeleteFor real. So get on it!!!
Genius!
-aDorkable
Count me in, I want a postcard too! Does that mean I just subscribed so I can unsubscribe?
ReplyDeleteI use those newspapers in my fire pit, girlscout lumberjack fire freak I am. ( ; Happy 4th!
I do believe I have a picture floating around somewhere of my butt crack in all its glory, surrounded by none other than 3 other buttcracks in all their glory. Maybe I shall capitalise in this little money making scheme of yours Joe....hmmmm.....nice one! Cheers! Kerrie.
ReplyDeleteI've been getting the Tv Guide magazine for 8 years for free.
ReplyDeleteI never read the damned thing.
Like you, I can't unsubscibe to that which I never subscribed to in the first place.
I would like one of your postcards, please... LoL
the best idea---ah yes America the land of true entrepreneurs
ReplyDeleteI will take all the photos for you....it might get more people to subscribe if you take some nudes...lol.
ReplyDeleteHilarious...unfort I'm poor, so can't afford the 80 bucks...but hey, I have an idea...I can sell them to an adult store and make a profit!
ReplyDeletehow about the people that want the postcards? you are now committed to sending them free cards for life!!
ReplyDeleteI just gotta say....BRILLIANT! And I'd volunteer for the assographs, but you live too far away. You may want to rethink your price. I think it could actually work, really, if it were cheaper. Say, $15. And just imagine if everyone in your city sent you $15! Let's be ultra-conservative and say you live in podunk-land like me, that's $600,000! And I'm sure you live someplace bigger....so let's go with a town 3 times the size of my own and only half the people fall for this....still....$900,000. That's right, you only have to come up with $100,000 more to be a bona fide millionaire! And how you ask? INFOMERCIALS! Sell the secret to your wealth for the low, low price of $79.95! Oh, yes! This is GENIUS! And I expect a cut from the internet sales.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! I can see I'm going to get filthy rich now!!
ReplyDeleteSo:
Smarty: you actually called them? Knowing your lack of success, I now know my lack of calling was a good thing. :-)
Who the hell is MySpace Beau and his thong?
Kerrie: I demand a copy
Handful: The genius of the plan is that the ones that DON'T pay me get cut off eventually...but the ones that do will get barraged with them if they ever stop paying. :-)
Juicy: I have just worked all the franchising and internet details out. I wonder if I'm being presumptuous by having already put a deposit down on a private jet...
I think that's the best idea. Or you could always try being out there at 4AM when they throw it in you driveway, run out and throw it back. Probably wouldn't solve anything but would be funny! Except that waking up at 4AM part! Oh well! Send out the postcards, I'll take the picture!
ReplyDeleteVery amusing... Maybe you can work on the telemarketer calls as well... I would like to find a way to get all their names and call them when they are eating or an other incovenient time. Ive' never left a comment here, but we'll see if it works.
ReplyDeleteSo how scared would you be if someone actually started to collect your cards? You can send different angles so they can be collected like baseball cards. You can have here's Joe's butt crack, here is his butt hole, here is the hairiest art of Joe, etc....... And I will take the pics, I just need 20% of the profits.
ReplyDeleteI didnt know you left for work in the AM. I guess you learn somthing new everyday!
ReplyDeleteMackeysmom
I thought about throwing it back at the driver, but by the time I got to the part of the driveway, yard, or roof where he threw it, he'd be gone. I think the best deterrent is to egg him as he goes by.
ReplyDeleteDarlene, you think people will exchange them as trading cards? Maybe I can have different angles of my ass taken, so people can "collect all 5!!"
Mackeysmom: not often.
Lisa, when they call, just tell them you will not even CONSIDER buying anything until they give you their home address. Give that address to me and I'll automatically add them to the Butt-Crack Postcard mailing list.
ReplyDelete:-)
Yes I came over here from MS, and I am going to bookmark this page! You are right, you are hilarious...this is some great stuff!
ReplyDeleteHow expensive are postcard stamps now days?
You'll be posting a sample card - right? I'm guessing your butt-crack is so darn cute you won't get a single subscriber to un-subscribe. They'll wallpaper their homes with your crack! The great wall of crack courtesy of Joe will begin a new era.
ReplyDelete"full moon enterprises" brilliant.
ReplyDeleteCamera - Check. 'course I might make your ass look too good. They'll be looking forward to their postcards.
Perhaps the 'Busted-Butt-Crack' postcard would bring in more cancellations.
ReplyDeleteHi, Joe, I'd like to be sent that post card and won't unsubscribe! You are hilarious, As Always. Thanks for being you!! There should be more funny peeps in the world like you!! You're a breath of fresh air! I could praise you ALL DAY long for being such a gift to this earth! Love ya xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteHi, Joe, I'd like to be sent that post card and won't unsubscribe! You are hilarious, As Always. Thanks for being you!! There should be more funny peeps in the world like you!! You're a breath of fresh air! I could praise you ALL DAY long for being such a gift to this earth! Love ya xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI do believe I have a picture floating around somewhere of my butt crack in all its glory, surrounded by none other than 3 other buttcracks in all their glory. Maybe I shall capitalise in this little money making scheme of yours Joe....hmmmm.....nice one! Cheers! Kerrie.
ReplyDelete*driveway that is.
ReplyDeleteI just woke up from a nap
Very Good..
ReplyDeleteStand Up Comedy Shows