Saturday, July 14, 2007

I Got Served

Thirty-six.

That’s my age, but a part of me basically refuses to believe it. And that is the part of me that decided to go play indoor volleyball last night.

I should know better. If I had to describe in five words what my feeling was after playing volleyball for three hours, those words would be “Burning Thigh Muscles of Death”. Well, I suppose “Very Painful Lower Back Contusion” or “Wrist Possibly Broken in Half” would also work, but those ailments aren’t the ones causing me, every time I sit down, to wonder if I’ll ever be able to stand up again for the rest of my natural life. You don’t even want to picture what it is like for me get up from the toilet.

Ha ha. Too late. You have that image stuck in your mind, don’t you?

Well, no offense, but screw you. You aren’t in anywhere near the pain I am. I think I may have bruised every surface of my body. I’m currently on an all-Advil diet. I’ll even take some Vicodin if anyone has it.

And to literally add insult to injury, physical ailments weren’t my only issue last night. I haven’t played volleyball since about 1993, and apparently since then, they changed all the rules. In the early nineties, the rules basically were:

  1. If the ball came anywhere near you, try and hit it up in the air.
  2. But don’t use your beer hand, lest you might spill some.

Last night, however, I was playing with semiprofessionals that take their volleyball very seriously and have all these new rules about what each position is supposed to do. They were always yelling things at me like “Get in the V!” and “Cover short serve!” and “Beer is not allowed on the court!” and “Stop crying!”

Okay, I’m kidding about the last two, but I really was always getting yelled at, mainly because, no matter where I went on the court, I was always in the wrong place. My teammates tried to help in-between serves, but they were always giving me incomprehensible advice like, “Make sure to play short on serve and immediately fade back afterward but only when we are serving. When they are serving be sure to cover the middle short zone then fade back to let the setter set”.

I would always say “got it” but when play commenced I’d continue to run around randomly bouncing off of my teammates. I’m pretty sure they all thought I was, um, “differently abled”. I’m beginning to agree.

Anyway that was last night; tonight I am just dealing with incredible pain. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m signing off now to go curl into a fetal position and die.




32 comments:

  1. Ok. So who told you it was safe to play volleyball at your age?

    just kidding! (Im older, and prettier anyway)

    I used to play volleyball in highschool and it was a bitch then when all my muscles did what they were suppose to do. I cant imagine doing it now when all my muscles want to do is spite me.
    Im sorry youre in so much pain. Hey, be careful, drinking and Tylenol is not good. Try drinking and Motrin. I think you said youre doing Advil? Thats ok too. They somehow compliment each other.....
    Hope you are feeling (well, your muscles anyway) better tomorrow. They probably will be hurting much worse. (SORRY!) They are just getting used to the fact that you worked muscles that dont ordinarily get worked. Good thing you have THAT under control though.

    I miss your love on my blogs...I never see you there anymore....:(

    {and dont blame it on your muscles....I know damn well your fingers still work AND your hand that rocks the cradle!}

    ReplyDelete
  2. When you came back to MySpace, did you send me a subscription invite? I don't think I see you in my blog list.

    I was kidding about the beer. In fact, I was sucking down water all night. :-)

    Thanks for the comment!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I DIDNT SEND YOU ONE THE FIRST TIME! BUT IF THATS WHAT JOE WANTS, THAT IS WHAT JOE WILL GET...IM OFF AND YOURE ON CUTIE!

    ReplyDelete
  4. And for the added ray of sunshine...the second day is worse. Start downing those ibuprofen!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. just did a birthday entry for me...well a few days back..


    I knew you were closer in age to me than you 'act'....no one has ever said i act my age....you go boy!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Aaaaw.... I shouldn't be laughing, should I???
    I am sorry but you are probably more challenged that I am on a volleyball court and that is HILARIOUS :)
    Side note: If you do manage to curl up in a fetal position, you might never be able to get back up, hahahaha... sorry

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am only laughing because I can, and if I do not laugh I will cry. I had probably a worse day than you, but in the words my dear sweet man tells me all the time....
    (SUCK IT UP PUSSEY!!!!)
    Ok..now in my words....go get some IPA (househild rubbing alcohol) and take a rag soak it with IPA and rub it on your muscles, it takes the aching away.
    take care Joe.
    xx Sarah (koiaikitty)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Why are some men such babies when they are ill or imagined hurt? It is probably your pride which is suffering far more than your wrist. You're getting old. Get over it. I know what pain REALLY is so stop whimpering.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What happened to just hitting the ball over the net and watching the whole other team ram into one another to get the ball??!! lol That is the only reason I play and it something fun to do on the beach.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I used to play competitive volley ball too.

    In the fourth grade.

    *thanks for the link!

    ReplyDelete
  11. "It's just a game Focker"

    I kicked my own a** slip and sliding last summer. My body is getting older, but my mind is not.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ha ha...this is hilarious Joe!! You must be a real animal on the court, or was it sand? Aleve...use aleve for inflammation of the body parts.

    Last time I played Volleyball was in 1993 too...and I was 7 months pregnant. Funny, they didn't invite me back on the team the following year. ( ;

    ReplyDelete
  13. You played volleyball PREGNANT?!? Is that child now an athlete? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Perspective girl7/16/2007 01:51:00 AM

    Don't die.....We'd miss you too much...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Don't be a wuss! It's only muscle pain;-)Muscle pain means you're building muscle, it's all good. I never liked volleyball.

    I like the new layout.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I bet you have pain in places you did not know you could have pain. That is why I think it it too late for me to learn to roller blade...hard to type with casts on your wrists.

    ReplyDelete
  17. your new format must be perfectly lovely. well, the pictures of the alleged hotties on the left are semi-distracting but old bifoca-wearing ladies appreciate an uncluttered background. fondly, lou the deceased first lady

    ReplyDelete
  18. Joe, you poor baby. That was hilarious, as usual. :) Your blog looks great, btw.

    ReplyDelete
  19. yes i'm afraid i did imagine the toilet scene...but i loved this anyway!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your new page looks much better, Joe. Good job. ~Shorty~

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank god the polka dots are gone! :)

    Heal quick, another volleyball game awaits you.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Nice.... You should know that beer is not allowed on the court. Only Jack gets to come with.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I have to scroll right to read the page. :-P

    ReplyDelete
  24. p.s.

    What's with all the flippin' ads? :-P :) Are you trying to pimp some pennies off your harem of internet babes? :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. The child is an all around athlete. They call him the short quarterback who writes the plays an likes the Longhorns. He was climbing trees when he was 2. I love this boy, his heart is bigger than the universe and his brains coincide. Do I sound a bit biased? I'm not, I've had teachers cry when they talk about papers he's written. But then, he's been in a little trouble too. I just had to take advantage of your statement.

    ReplyDelete
  26. PS - like the new page. (:

    ReplyDelete
  27. There's no beer in volleyball?

    ReplyDelete
  28. P.S. I visited this blog & even commented. Now, where's my payback that you promised, huh? ;)
    ~Shorty~

    ReplyDelete
  29. yes i'm afraid i did imagine the toilet scene...but i loved this anyway!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I used to play competitive volley ball too.

    In the fourth grade.

    *thanks for the link!

    ReplyDelete
  31. just did a birthday entry for me...well a few days back..


    I knew you were closer in age to me than you 'act'....no one has ever said i act my age....you go boy!

    ReplyDelete
  32. And for the added ray of sunshine...the second day is worse. Start downing those ibuprofen!!

    ReplyDelete

Comments are like crack for bloggers, and I'm a big-time addict. Please leave one here!

(You do not need to sign in to leave a comment. You can leave a comment using only your name OR you can be completely anonymous by choosing the appropriate "identity" below)

Google