The caller ID said Bryan Hamilton was trying to reach me. I don’t like answering the phone when I’m driving, but if you send too many of Bryan’s calls to voicemail, you run the risk of a rear naked chokehold the next time he sees you. I hit the “answer” button.
“I’m featuring at Anthony’s tonight,” said the fellow comedian. “And I got you a guest spot. Be there at seven.”
Notice that nowhere in that quote was I actually asked if I wanted to perform. You know, it’s possible that I have plans; I could have been partying last night—um, okay, well, I could have been on a date with—ah, fuck it, who am I kidding? I had no plans. Besides, you really shouldn’t piss off guys that look like this:
So I agreed to take the gig.
Bryan, a former Marine and full-time redneck, really did put me in a rear naked chokehold once. About a year ago, before he got a smartphone, he had one of those old phones on which you could change the banner. It had originally said something like “Sprint PCS”, but one day I decided that was too generic. So when he foolishly left it on the bar while performing, I began searching through the menus. It wasn’t until later that night that he looked at his phone and saw his new banner: “I LOVE THE COCK”.
He let me off easy that time. But after I pulled the same trick a few times (“LOVES IT UP THE CHUTE”, “MEN ARE FOR ME”, “PROUD TO BE GAY”) my comedy mentor decided he had had enough. While waiting for my set at a small Latin club, I suddenly felt an arm shoot up underneath my armpit and back behind my neck, with another arm wrapped around the front of my neck. I couldn’t breathe.
“So, are we done fucking with my phone?”
I gagged out an unintelligible reply.
“I think I’ve made my point,” Bryan declared. He certainly did.
Fast forwarding to last night, the gig went outstanding for every comedian. For whatever reason, it was a smaller crowd than usual, but they were great. I’m not much of an improvisational comic, but I went off script a little to make fun of a guy in the front row. I have a bit that starts with “Have you seen that commercial for Enzyte, the ‘male enhancement’ drug?” After I said that, I heard a douchebag talking on his cell phone. I immediately said, “This guy certainly has. He’s even bragging to his friends about it right now.” The crowd loved it. Douchebag didn’t, but at least he took the hint and got off his damn cell.
I’d never before met the headliner, Lou Angelwolf, but he’s very funny and a terrific guy. He actually ended up crashing in my spare bedroom, so he gave me a bunch of pointers. The best thing he said to me, though, was that I made him laugh out loud several times. It’s tough to make a comic laugh, so that was a great compliment. If you ever get a chance to see him perform, don’t miss it.
That’s it for me.
I love you all. Make me famous.