He’s Ba-aaack!

If you followed a link from twitter or facebook to this piece, there is an excellent chance you have no idea what the above title refers to. And that’s okay. My fault, really. You’re not the lazy ass that constantly abandons blogs.

You see, this place is where it all began for me. On December 10^th, 2005, on my way to my parents’ house for breakfast, I ran out of gas and had to call my dad to come get me. I was pissed, of course, but in some detached portion of my brain, I was laughing at myself hysterically. I decided I had to share the experience somehow. And since I was (and still am) such a fan of Dave Barry’s humor columns, I decided to open up a Blogger account and post my first-ever humor column on the experience.

It got a tremendous response. And by “tremendous response” I mean that nobody read it. I had to beg people to go to my blog. I had several phone conversations like this:

My sister Lori: Hello?

Me: Hey sis. I started a blog, and wrote an essay I’m really proud of. Could you take a look at it?

Lori: Sure! No problem. I’ll get right to it.

Me: No, I mean, right now.

Lori: Oh, look, I have another call…

But, amazingly enough, in time I built up a pretty strong readership, with several hundred hits every time I posted a new blog. So I made sure to leverage that popularity in the only I way I knew how: abandonment. It was amazingly stupid, because getting a following is difficult, but I guess I just felt so much pressure to be funny that I had to step away.

Since that time, I’ve had two MySpace blogs, a Tumblr blog, and a standup comedy career begin to blossom. I decided a few weeks ago I really need to start blogging again just to keep my wit sharp, and, of course, to update my friends and fans as to how everything is going. So, what better place than my original blog?

So here I am. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to go, but I can give you an educated guess. My initial instinct is to blog rather consistently, like 3-4 times per week, but instead of long humor essays like I used to, I’ll be posting shorter updates, based heavily on my standup. Of course, I know myself. The updates will probably turn into long essays. But if that happens, it happens. At least it will be good, funny content.

It feels good to be home.

Pearl of the Orient

I can't sleep.

You're probably thinking, "Well, lazy ass, quit trying when it's 4PM."  Well, where I am, it's NOT 4PM, it's 5AM.  Or, 0500.  And maybe you shouldn't be such a smartass.  How many times have YOU crossed the International Date Line, dipshit?

Sorry.  I get a little testy when I can't sleep.  And yes: I'm out of the country.  WAY out of the country.  Like, I'm going to have to double check to make sure I'm still on Earth.  I traveled for a miserable day and a half before I finally landed on the Pearl of the Orient, the Philippines.  I'm excited to finally be here, but it IS the opposite end of the planet.  While you all are still in daylight, working and whatever, I'm sitting around doing nothing in darkness.  So nothing has really changed.

Haha!  I'm such a funny humorous knee-slapping jokester when I've slept six hours over three days.  I'm here because half my family tree lives here, and I don't hardly know any of them.  I have a LOT of cousins, aunts, and uncles here, and I'm asking that they all wear name tags.  I met some of them for dinner last night.  I nearly fell asleep in my chicken soup.

Anyway, so far I'm having a good time, but the jet lag is killing me. I'm going to crawl back into bed and try to get normalized now, but I'm not optimistic.  I'm making a lot of notes, so hopefully I'll get some killer material out of this.  I better get something out of this trip.  Maybe I'll bring home a wife.  There are a ton of hotties over here.

~J

P.S. I'm with my mom and my sister, who lives in Ohio.  Since my sister drove down to Florida with her husband, he is staying at my house while I'm gone.  So all you bastards looking to steal my 1989 GE tube TV because I'm out of town, seriously: Buy him beer and he'll probably let you have it.  Make it a Guinness and he'll probably help you find stuff.

Note From the Back Seat

A few weeks ago, I saw a book written by some unknown comedian that was supposedly about funny stories from the road. I flipped through it real quickly, which was silly since I never bothered to read a word. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I certainly didn't find it. I put it back.

Right now, I'm in the back seat of a Chevy Aveo on the way to a gig in North Carolina. This car is Goddamn tiny. I suppose it's physically possible for me to be less comfortable, but it would require dental tools. Positions like this make me reconsider every decision I've ever made in my life.

And that's the thing about comedy: you have no idea what kind of crazy ass situation in which you'll end up. For every top-notch comedy club I've ever performed in, I've been in five other venues that could easily have been sets for a "Saw" movie. For every fine meal I've eaten on a promoter's dime, I've paid for ten at some greasy spoon with dust on the picture frames. And for every comfortable, normal trip I take with other comics...

Okay, that last sentence fragment was pure fiction. No trip taken with other comics is normal. In fact, usually they're one of two things: incredible fun or horrific torture. But no matter which, they are always interesting.

Damn. I was about to list off a bunch of stories of things I've experienced, but almost every story includes some element of illegality (not by me; really) or a serious compromising of morals. Which means they're pretty juicy. Which means they'll be perfect for MY book. So screw that other comic. I've got some stories of my own to sell. And my book will be funnier.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we just crossed the Georgia state line, I'm sick of typing on this blackberry, and I have got to find some way to sleep in this padded shelf Chevrolet calls a back seat.

A Comedian Goes to See a Newborn Baby

Two of my best friends had a baby girl today. It was a cesarean birth, meaning they cut her open and yanked the little bastard out. Sort of like the movie 'Aliens', but scarier. Mother and baby girl Ava are doing very well.

It's their third child. I wonder if doctors are ever tempted to write little notes on the uterus wall for the next doctor. Sort of like uterus graffiti. Imagine the next doctor pulling a fetus out of the mother and seeing, “Dr. Rajah’s mother is a slut!” or “for a good time call Nurse Skankerton” or even “make sure this bitch gets plenty of morphine”. That would be awesome.

I went to see the baby, because friends go see friends’ babies. Plus, it’s not like I have a whole lot else going on. I assumed I had to bring a gift. God only knew what. Beer somehow seemed inappropriate. So did lingerie. So I stopped at a card shop on the way to the hospital to pick up a card and a balloon. I got a blank card because I like to write my own stuff. As for the balloon, I didn’t care what it looked like as long as it was for a newborn girl.

“We have several shapes, colors, and styles,” said the lady at the counter. “What do you think she’d like?”

“I think this four-hour-old baby would absolutely love the shape, color, and style closest to your reach, thanks.”

Seeing a newborn is always tricky to me, because I basically think every baby ever born looks exactly like every other baby ever born, yet I know I’ll get asked the same question that parents always ask: "so does she look like the father or the mother?" I'll want to reply, "If the mother or father looked anything like THAT, they'd never have found a mate to have a baby with in the first place". But, you know, I try to keep my friends. So when I was inevitably asked the question I stood there, staring at what basically looked like an overcooked ham*, and said, “Wow, she really looks like both of you, and your other two kids.”

It worked.

(Okay, just so all of you don't think I'm a complete ass, I did instantly fall in love with Ava, and look forward to being her "Uncle Joe" for years to come.)






*Thanks, Stephanie.

Do YOU Qualify to Date an Incredible Man? Or Joe Simmons?

(Long-time MySpace friends may recognize this one. Thanks to Jamie Dektas for reminding me of it.)


I'm often asked why I'm seemingly always single. Rarely does a day go by when I don't hear: "Joe, how can someone as charming, handsome, sweet, modest, and adorable as yourself possibly not have a girlfriend?" It's certainly quite a conundrum, and I'm as mystified as anyone else. A few naysayers have tried to hint to me that I've perhaps set my standards too high. Come on. I don't think holding out for a six-foot-tall neurosurgeon/former supermodel with an Eastern European accent is too much to ask.


Okay, okay. Maybe I am being too choosy. This is why, solely as a service to any potential mates out there, I've developed a multiple choice test that determines your "Joe-worthiness". Now, I'm sure your immediate reaction is, "Wow, Joe! This looks like it was a lot of work! Thank you so much!" Think nothing of it; I constantly deliberate about nothing but helping out my friends. Now, let's begin:


1. Look inside your pants right now. What do you see?

a) A vagina

b) A penis

c) It's too hairy to tell for sure

Note: If you answered anything other than "a", you may go ahead and put your pencil (haha!) down.


2. What is your opinion of high heel shoes?

a) They're painful to wear and designed to make women look like sex objects. I don't own any.

b) They're fashionable and fun to wear for short periods of time.

c) I think they should enact a law that women have to wear at least four-inch heels at all times, even during labor.


3. How soon is sex appropriate in a relationship?

a) I would only feel comfortable having sex after we're married.

b) I think sex is fine at a point where we both feel committed to each other.

c) I'm getting horny just reading this test.


4. What kind of work habits or employment are you seeking in a mate?

a) I expect that he work fairly hard to provide for his family.

b) I have a career as well, so we just need to strike a good work/life balance.

c) Work? As soon as I receive this multi-million dollar divorce settlement, you and I can travel around the world!


5. What is your opinion of threesomes?

a) They're disgusting. Sex should be between one man and one woman.

b) Though I prefer just to have sex with my mate, I'd be willing to experiment with another woman.

c) I plan on bringing home a different hot babe for us every night, if that's okay.


6. What is the most important thing in your purse right now?

a) Mace

b) Cell phone

c) Condoms


7. What is your opinion of pornography?

a) I detest it. It makes women out to be nothing but sex providers.

b) I enjoy watching it with my mate from time to time.

c) It ain't as glamorous as people think, but it pays my bills.


8. What is your opinion of football?

a) Professional sports are idiotic. The time spent watching them could be better used in a relationship.

b) Football is okay. He can watch it while I do my own thing.

c) Football is fantastic! Not only will I watch, I'll fetch the beer and pretzels during commercials!


9. How do you feel about masturbation?

a) The Bible says it is a sin, so no masturbation will be allowed in my house.

b) I am comfortable with my man meeting his own needs when I am not around.

c) If he can find time to masturbate in between the seven times a day we'll be having sex, bully for him.


10. What is your tongue?

a) The part of your body that discerns taste.

b) A playful way to kiss.

c) A sex organ.

d) All of the above, all at the same time.


Now, all you have to do is write down your answers and mail them to me. All those with passing test scores will immediately be sent the "Joe Simmons Dating Preparedness Pack", which includes advanced testing materials such as:

* A tape measure, with handy markings on it that illustrate important relationship values such as "your waist should not exceed this mark", "your thighs should not exceed this mark", "your breasts hopefully exceed this mark", etc.

* A username and password for a YouTube account so that you can upload a video of yourself (from head to toe) vocalizing why you should be my girlfriend.

* And a copy of the bestseller "He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. (Trust me; it's a real timesaver for me when girls own this book.)


If, after the advanced testing, you are deemed the best choice: you win! However, you should know that I hate dating so we'll pretty much just be hanging out at my house. Or yours, if it's nicer.


Geez, I'm such a great guy. Why on Earth am I still single?