Friday, January 13, 2006

My Guarantee to You, the "Loyal Reader"

My sister says I have to post entries to my blog nearly every day. This way, readers have a reason to keep coming back, most likely making it a habit. However, there are some important points I need to make here:

1. No one is paying me for this
2. Posting every day sounds suspiciously like work
3. No one is paying me for this
4. I am, uh, “energy-challenged”
5. No one is paying me for this

However, I am willing to post, in a sincere humanitarian effort to make money from my Google ads, this rock-solid guarantee: I will publish a new essay at least once a week, interspersed with random short amusing thoughts every other day or so. If I ever fail to do this, I will pay you, the loyal reader, $75.00 in cold, hard cash.* This will be an iron-clad, no-questions-asked guarantee. That is how committed I am to making this blog successful. My next essay is almost complete and should be ready for posting tomorrow. This is my way of thanking my fans. All three of you.

*Offer void outside the continental United States. All claims must be submitted one week prior to the week without a post. Offer defines “loyal reader” as anyone who’s ever cleaned the author’s bathroom (including survivors). Claimant must send request for $75.00 on parchment paper written in Mandarin Chinese. Offer void inside the continental United States. Offer doesn’t like you. Offer thinks you should probably switch to another brand of deodorant. Offer void after 12/31/1987.


  1. I'm going to start having you write the fine print in my contracts...

  2. I will be happy to do that for anybody that reads my blog.*

    *For an astronomical fee. For those that doubt my capacity to write adequate fine print, please note that I graduated from law school. Well, okay, I went to law school. Well, actually, I applied to law school. Um...okay, I didn't apply, but I did think about it once during a drunken stupor while interning at a CPA firm.

  3. I'm going to start having you write the fine print in my contracts...


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