Sunday, February 12, 2006

Now For Five Complaints

(In order to keep this blog “family friendly”, I had to make small, hardly noticable edits of a very few words that some may find offensive. If you pay REAL close attention, you may see some of the editing.)

Complaint #1. I ----ing HATE this --- ---- ------ ----ing COLD WEATHER! Jack Frost can KISS MY ----- ---! GO ----ing AWAY! I LIVE IN --- ---- FLORIDA!

Complaint #2. Why is it that every time I make a small purchase in cash, the total always comes to some annoying amount like $11.03 and I never have any change in my pocket? I always end up standing there with a stupid grin on my face, hoping to get the “ah, just forget about it”, but apparently three cents is too much to let slide, so I either have to run out to the car in freezing wet temperatures for three miserable pennies or accept enough change in coins to start my own register, which I eventually put in the cup holder of my car, where they never get used except to collect a gooey substance on them, which makes me so mad that I have to come home and compose a blog entry with such a horrible run-on sentence that I can’t even remember if I started it as a statement or a question. (or possibly, “?”)

Complaint #3. Speaking of cup holders, I own a Honda S2000, which is a wonderful car and an absolute blast to drive. However, if J.D. Powers and Associates ever contacts me, I will definitely nominate my car for Worst Cup Holder of the Year. It is located right in front of the gear shifter, meaning I have to choose between having my drink in a cup holder or, you know, shifting gears. The few times I do use it, the drink is usually teetering so badly because of the $67.28 in spare change underneath it that if I hit the accelerator it topples over so that my refreshing beverage spills into the cup holder itself. I usually end up using my patented CrotchHolder, but whenever I hit the brakes my drink is a threat to tilt and spill back into my pants. I’ve spilled enough McDonald’s Diet Coke in my car to fill an Olympic pool.

Complaint #4. I now have FIVE unfinished columns for this blog. One of them is absolutely hilarious, but you’ll have to take my word for it because I’ll probably never finish it. Apparently all I can do anymore is start columns. Seriously. However, I absolutely promise to finish this one.

Complaint #5. (Joe, remember to put in a fifth complaint and finish this blog)

3 comments:

  1. As for complaint #1, I'm totally with you, Joe. We Floridians should never have to learn about the "5 P's" as WINK news put it last night, regarding cold weather (something about caring for people, plants, pets, pipes, & ??? - you can see I didn't pay much attention). *** UPDATE! I just heard on the 4 pm news that the 5th P (for all those dying to know) is "practice fire safety" - I choose to term this "pyro" as I find it easier to recall (but that's me). We're known as the Sunshine (recently dubbed Hurricane) State, and that is plenty sufficient for me.

    I understand your frustrations vented in complaint #2 as well. What ever happened to give a penny, take a penny, etc.? Has the human spirit withered away or is it black monday (& tuesday & wednesday & thursday & friday & so on as the stock market might reflect)? Whatever it is, all the change in my life is weighing me down too.

    Sorry about your car cup holders. You'll have to take that up with the manufacturers & brilliant engineers who seem more concerned about safety than modern day conveniences (like where's my make-up mirror)?! Your personal & patent worthy Crotch Holder sounds intriguing, but not sure that's gonna be the selling point of too many motor vehicles. You'll have to let your loyal readers know about that one, and if you DO receive any proceeds from your inguinuity, we DO expect some royalties for being so XXXX loyal!

    Can't say that I understood complaint #4, and evidently (and not surprisingly), complaint #5 is MIA. But, as always, thanks again for letting us know what's going on in that crazy head of yours!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are freaking hillarious! I actually laugh out loud so when I type LOL I won't be lying!! Glad I saw you posting at 2 pea's last night and checked out your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  3. As for complaint #1, I'm totally with you, Joe. We Floridians should never have to learn about the "5 P's" as WINK news put it last night, regarding cold weather (something about caring for people, plants, pets, pipes, & ??? - you can see I didn't pay much attention). *** UPDATE! I just heard on the 4 pm news that the 5th P (for all those dying to know) is "practice fire safety" - I choose to term this "pyro" as I find it easier to recall (but that's me). We're known as the Sunshine (recently dubbed Hurricane) State, and that is plenty sufficient for me.

    I understand your frustrations vented in complaint #2 as well. What ever happened to give a penny, take a penny, etc.? Has the human spirit withered away or is it black monday (& tuesday & wednesday & thursday & friday & so on as the stock market might reflect)? Whatever it is, all the change in my life is weighing me down too.

    Sorry about your car cup holders. You'll have to take that up with the manufacturers & brilliant engineers who seem more concerned about safety than modern day conveniences (like where's my make-up mirror)?! Your personal & patent worthy Crotch Holder sounds intriguing, but not sure that's gonna be the selling point of too many motor vehicles. You'll have to let your loyal readers know about that one, and if you DO receive any proceeds from your inguinuity, we DO expect some royalties for being so XXXX loyal!

    Can't say that I understood complaint #4, and evidently (and not surprisingly), complaint #5 is MIA. But, as always, thanks again for letting us know what's going on in that crazy head of yours!

    ReplyDelete

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