Note to my many loyal readers: I finally got my craptop computer shipped to the manufacturer for repair. Until I get it back (allow six years for this), updates may be less frequent. I know what you are saying. You are saying, “How can it possibly be LESS frequent than it has been?” You should show me more respect, loyal reader. When I become famous, do you really expect me to allow you in my entourage with all the complaining you do?
Anyway, I almost have the new column complete. It will be another work of literary brilliance. However, it takes a little longer to compose a humor column when you have to restart an old computer after every third word. It’s hard to be funny when you are constantly screaming obscenities at an eight year-old monitor.
That was NOT a joke. This computer really is eight years old. I bought it with my then-girlfriend in 1998, and when we broke up later that year I had to write her a check for the half she originally paid for. Lauren, if you are reading this, I want my money back. Also, I’m now a multi-millionaire writer that dates only supermodels. I just want the money back on principle.
Anyway, I, as a professional writer, just wanted to post a quick update for my loyal readers. You can tell this is a quick update because it is all in italics. You probably didn't know that. You probably thought that I accidentally hit the "italics" button on my web page editor. You are pretty stupid, loyal reader. Don't worry. All you have to do is keep reading my website daily and your IQ will jump by leaps and bounds. And, if you REALLY want to become a genius, make sure to click on one of my Google ads every day.
Expect the new column to be posted by Friday (2/10) afternoon at the latest.