Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Evolution, Creation, Or Oil of Olay?

The origin of mankind has been debated for as long as humans have had intelligent thought. While there have been many different theories as to how we came to exist, the two most popular are evolution and creationism. Evolution is the scientific theory, originally postulated by Charles Darwin, that all life started millions of years ago as simple unicellular beings and slowly evolved into different species, and that humans actually evolved from an ape-like creature. Creationism, of course, is the religious theory that a supreme being created all life only a few thousand years ago.

So which theory makes the most sense? Which theory “holds the most water”? Which theory should be the one we teach our young so they can lead our future generations as informed and educated as possible?

If you think you are about to get the answer here, then you are, no offense, not the brightest light in the harbor. Yours truly got a “C” in Philosophy at Edison Community College, and was happy to get it, considering my eyes glazed over during every lecture. The reason I am writing about evolution versus creationism now is because it brings me to my absolute favorite subject: me.

I don’t wish to brag, but I am told constantly that I look very young for my age. Being a humble writer, I am almost embarrassed to disclose this, but it is necessary to the story inasmuch as I look quite youthful for my age. So, this begs the question: why is it that I, Joe Simmons, look so very young for my age?

Well, one theory (as to why people think I look amazingly young for my age) could be that evolution is the correct explanation of life. You see, I am the current eight-time Defending World Champion Procrastinator. I put off doing laundry until the stack is taller than my actual house. I put off graduating college until I was 26. I put off maturing until, well, it is debatable whether I have actually done any of that. And, at thirty-six years old, I still have yet to get married. The thing is, my DNA would know this. I come from a long line of procrastinators. If all species evolve in order to give themselves the best chance to survive, then obviously my DNA knows that I have to stay young and good-looking long after my similarly-aged friends have become bald, fat slobs if I want to have any chance to procreate.

However, the creation theory could work as well (in case you forgot: we are trying to figure out why people think I look so fabulously young for my age). Maybe God is up in Heaven right now discussing me with St. Peter:

God: “You know, I think I may have really screwed up with this Simmons guy. I never intended for ANY human to be that damn lazy. I ought to smite him. However, I am a kind and loving God. I’ll write in my notebook to give him three more years of youthful looks so that he will at least have a chance to procreate.”

St. Peter: “God, we just got word that he’s been publishing blogs where his penis actually talks.”

God: (Erasing and scribbling furiously) “Me dammit…better make it seven more years.”

Clearly, either one of these explanations is very plausible. So, after discussing both the religious and scientific hypotheses about one of the biggest questions in life, what have we learned today?

1. Basically, nothing.

2. Except that this blog is not a place to come to for answers.

3. And, I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but people think I look incredibly young and handsome for my age.




27 comments:

  1. Hilarious. I enjoy your ego trips!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL... that penis just keeps getting you into trouble!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know what I think it is due to?
    The japanese have a theory that when a man ejaculates into a woman then it drains his essence...you arent getting any so...there you go...no sucking of life's essence from the ol penis there and so it keeps you looking spry and young!
    Poof I am a genious!
    (So....besides me...what woman wants to suck his life's essence out so he can look his age?) ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. you do look incredibly young. i think you look so young cause you are just so handsome you cant be bothered with wrinkles. you are above all that.

    not sure about the laziness argument since i am the laziest female ever created andi look my age...hmmm.....


    emily

    ReplyDelete
  5. Joe, I just love your lack of humility..it's endearing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You really don't look a day over 40. Seriously.

    And lazy? hmmm, how many hours did you disappear? I'm thinking lazy = not.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Perspective Girl6/28/2007 09:59:00 AM

    silly silly boy...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sounds like we have a lot in common. I am a great lookin lazy ass, too. Just imagine if we procreated together...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks, everyone, for the comments.

    Colette, if we are both lazy, how would we ever procreate? Someone has to get on top...

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Okay. I've tried to leave a comment before, but I was having a brain dead moment and it didn't work.

    Thanks so much for sharing your beauty secrets! It has definately worked! Unless, of course, you're lying about your age and you're really 17.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was just about to swallow my annoyance and join the "digg it" thing so I could post a comment, then it's gone! Yay- I greatly appreciate it, because I have way too many passwords and user ids already. And now I don't even remember what my original comment was. Either way, I enjoyed your last post.

    http://freindlysalad.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  12. You're still crazy, I see !;)

    Now you can't say I've never stopped by..nanananny boo boo!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You need a woman who knows how to procreate. And who thinks you are a cutie... I may know one.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Now I get it. You're really only 22 but working in the mortgage business has aged you and you are in deep denial. yep yep, that's it.

    I could never understand the evolution theory because there are still apes. What? The ones who didn't evolve are smarter? I just don't get it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Carrie? As in "gave me her e-mail address but deleted her profile before I saved it anywhere" Carrie?

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Damn technology.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Whispering: psst! You act young for your age, too, babe. :D

    ReplyDelete
  18. Or...

    "oh, grow up!"

    hehe

    Great blog, Joe (you egotistical, effervescent, oddly fascinating man/child). :D

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hmm... and I thought you were in your 40's. Better switch from your Oil of Olay to something more potent, babes! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  20. ummmm who's been telling you these things? Are they delusional or are you making this up....:)
    I actually rolled my eyey reading this...
    You look 40'ish...LMAO....your jaw just dropped like you've been slapped didn't it?? HAHA!
    aDorkable

    ReplyDelete
  21. “Me dammit…"

    I totally wasn't expecting that and shouldn't have had a mouthful of Nerds at the time. Guess I'd better go get the vacuum cleaner.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Interesting article, added his blog to Favorites

    ReplyDelete
  23. Interesting article, added his blog to Favorites

    ReplyDelete
  24. Interesting article, added his blog to Favorites

    ReplyDelete
  25. I was just about to swallow my annoyance and join the "digg it" thing so I could post a comment, then it's gone! Yay- I greatly appreciate it, because I have way too many passwords and user ids already. And now I don't even remember what my original comment was. Either way, I enjoyed your last post.

    http://freindlysalad.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  26. you do look incredibly young. i think you look so young cause you are just so handsome you cant be bothered with wrinkles. you are above all that.

    not sure about the laziness argument since i am the laziest female ever created andi look my age...hmmm.....


    emily

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hilarious. I enjoy your ego trips!

    ReplyDelete

Comments are like crack for bloggers, and I'm a big-time addict. Please leave one here!

(You do not need to sign in to leave a comment. You can leave a comment using only your name OR you can be completely anonymous by choosing the appropriate "identity" below)

Google