Saturday, June 23, 2007

Self-Help Books Certainly Don't Help Me

For the most part, I try to keep my social life out of my blogs. This is because I have a lot of good friends, and I’d like to keep (most of) them. However, I have decided to implement a new Statute of Limitations. From now on, I will post funny stories from my social life as long as:

1. It’s been at least 12 calendar months since the event occurred.

2. The story is not hurtful in any way to anyone I know.

3. Unless it’s REALLY funny.

4. Then I’ll just change the names of all concerned.

So, on to my first story.

A few years ago I met this girl, let’s call her Maria, through a friend. Maria was attractive, very nice, and—aren’t they all—seemed to be “into me”. I liked her well enough, but for whatever reason was not really into her. So I rarely called her and mostly only saw her when we were partying in a group of mutual friends. I did, however, drunk-dial her occasionally, and those parties would sometimes end with us making out.

One night I was dropped off at a buddy’s apartment where my car was. I knew I was probably too buzzed to drive, plus I knew Maria lived in the same apartment complex. So I called her and told her I was coming over. She told me she’d prefer I didn’t, as her place was a mess. I basically said that I live in a mess, it didn’t matter, and regardless I was already outside her door.

She wasn’t happy.

Anyway, she let me in and we sat down on her couch. I’m pretty sure I was trying to act flirtatious and all, but she wasn’t having any of it. In my buzzed state, I grabbed a book that was sitting on the coffee table that she had obviously been reading.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“Nothing you’d be interested in,” Maria said.

“Let me see about that,” I laughed.

I then opened the book to a completely random page somewhere in the middle, and read out loud:

“If a guy rarely ever picks up the phone to call you, and only visits late at night when he’s drunk, he’s just not that into you.”

My voice actually kind of trailed off during the last four of five words. I could feel my face turning red. I closed the book and looked at the cover. The title, as I’m sure you’ve probably guessed, was the best-selling book “He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”. Needless to say, the rest of that visit was pretty damn uneventful. I went home.

It took me about a year to forgive Greg Behrendt.




44 comments:

  1. Oh God, that is so friggin hysterical! I can't breath, I'm laughing so hard. She probably still spits nails when she thinks of you. Great blog!

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  2. Perspective Girl6/23/2007 05:23:00 PM

    I love Greg Behrendt!!!

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  3. hahhahahaha wow wasn't that a great night....man you have to love the truth in it all if for nothing else....=D
    Koi Ai Kitty

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  4. That definitely was NOT a great night for me. I think Greg Behrendt is an absolutely hilarious comedian, but I was cursing his name in my sleep. :-)

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  5. Damn....so is that why you only
    leave me comments when you're drunk? :o(

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  6. I wish that book had been written while I was still dating! That is some amazing random page chosing you have!
    (I don't feel like signing up, but it's Meredith from MySpace)

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  7. To me, it is unfathomable that I managed to choose that page. It was like a message...probably to HER.

    :-)

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  8. lol. I glanced at that book once, but it didn't really have anything in it that I didn't already know. still pretty freaking funny.

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  9. All the "Don't Date Him, Girl" fairies pooled their collective powers and made you turn to that page. To save her. From you.

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  10. Great blog Joe...pretty funny.

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  11. HAHAHA!!! BUSTED!!! That will teach you to play with nice girl's feelings.... Although I don't need a self-help book to teach me that, I don't DIG players like that... Hmmm, so those cute comments you leave me, are they alcohol-induced comments??
    *takes off engagement ring and pouts*

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  12. Joe - Master of Great Timing =)

    BTW, did you see the Bulletin Todd (TM) posted for you this morning? Too funny.

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  13. HA! That's what you get for looking for a little hit and run pussy action! LOL :) Of course, I'm sure you've matured and that was long, long ago. *wink*

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  14. Okay, I want to state FOR THE RECORD that:

    1. It really WAS a long time ago. four years is a long time, right?

    2. I was not over there looking for free sex...though, um, I probably would not have turned it down.

    3. Sissi, don't break it off with me! I've already invited my whole family!!

    :-)

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  15. *snort* That is funny. Although I can see she probably was *not* happy at all.

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  16. I recommend the Mars and Venis books. That's as in Venis with a "V". Wow, that's just plain crazy how that happened. Thanks for sharing the funny stuff. (;

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  17. Ouch! Instant sobriety. Now I'm curious about the conversation after you closed the book. Have you spoken to her after that?

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  18. HA! Serves ya right! and good for "Maria"
    Maybe you should read that book.

    You're too funny Joe :)

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  19. I just blogged about this book on MySpace and how its f---ed with my head and made me a tad crazy. I have to say I chuckled out loud reading your blog.. ;) Mag (from myspace)

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  20. Oh my don't you have the karma.

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  21. Ha! hope she kicked you out!! lol.

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  22. Too funny, I just finished a Greg Behrendt book, they've got some great advice, but, I've decided that if you're a girl and have to read one of his books, it can't mean anything good because you're either 1) Broken up or 2) Dating a guy who isn't into you, either way, it's bad news.

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  23. Wow. Nice. Shit happens for a reason, dude.

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  24. HA! Awesome and sad. Sad that she needed a book but awesome just the same.

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  25. Well the book is true.... thats why i only like boys that call me when they are sober...OR boys that are drunk enough at 11am on sunday and call so i dont know they are alchy's

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  26. You've forgiven him? You are a much better person than I ...

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  27. I think I need that book! um, NOT.

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  28. That was painful not funny. Didn't you feel like a dick?

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  29. Oh look it's Dick York or is it Dick Sargent?

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  30. Well, Greg certainly has disreguarded all the man rules. In the immortal words of Robert Deniro (from Goodfellas) "Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut."

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  31. Isn't this blog supposed to have a new entry every day? MySpacer false advertisements: does Greg B have a book on that?

    "He's Just Not That Into Blogging"

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  32. LOL!

    Hey...I said almost every day. Don't worry...I have on planned for tonight.

    :-)

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  33. Just so you know that the following does not count as a blog:

    A $100 Guarantee?

    Sometimes, I have to bribe my readers.




    (May look hauntingly familiar to some of my long-time readers.)

    Posted by Joseph Simmons at 6/22/2007 02:21:00 PM 1 comments

    Labels: $100, bribes, MySpace

    Monday, June 18, 2007

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  34. It doesn't? My next blog may be even shorter. Like four words: "Hey, look at me!"

    ;-)

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  35. I don't see a new blog. Must have a blind spot, I'm sure you wouldn't lie to me.

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  36. I don't see a new blog. Must have a blind spot, I'm sure you wouldn't lie to me.

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  37. Well the book is true.... thats why i only like boys that call me when they are sober...OR boys that are drunk enough at 11am on sunday and call so i dont know they are alchy's

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  38. Too funny, I just finished a Greg Behrendt book, they've got some great advice, but, I've decided that if you're a girl and have to read one of his books, it can't mean anything good because you're either 1) Broken up or 2) Dating a guy who isn't into you, either way, it's bad news.

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  39. I think I need that book! um, NOT.

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  40. *snort* That is funny. Although I can see she probably was *not* happy at all.

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  41. Joe - Master of Great Timing =)

    BTW, did you see the Bulletin Todd (TM) posted for you this morning? Too funny.

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  42. lol. I glanced at that book once, but it didn't really have anything in it that I didn't already know. still pretty freaking funny.

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