Friday, June 29, 2007

Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Dog

Remember the movie “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom”? One of the plot points of the movie was that Indy, the title character played by Harrison Ford, discovers a powerful stone called a “Sankara Stone” that, when put in close proximity with another Sankara Stone, magically creates a golden glowing light. We’ve made a similar discovery in my family. My dad and I each have a normal, well-behaved, housebroken dog that, when put in close proximity with the other’s dog, magically creates a golden glowing pee stain on my carpet.

I have no idea why these two normally well-behaved dogs, that almost never make mistakes when they are in their own homes, suddenly become four-legged urine spigots when they are put together in my house. To make matters worse, when we discover a new pee stain, we never know which damn dog is the perpetrator. Neither Fred, my dad’s dog, nor Smudge, my own, has ever been caught in the act.

So, when a new puddle is found, My father and I usually get into this weird dynamic where we start defending our own dogs, like a parent might defend his or her child:

Dad: “Well, it looks like your damn dog peed in your house again.”

Me: “MY dog? My dog is housebroken! How do you know it’s not yours?”

Dad: “This stain is way too big for Fred. He couldn’t have done this.”

Me: “Oh bull crap. Fred has easily done that much before. Besides, Smudge was too far away. And Fred is male, so he’s probably trying to mark his territory.”

Dad: “Well, this doesn’t look like Fred’s pee.”

Me: “You’re kidding me, right? It’s pee. All dogs pee yellow!”

Dad: “This definitely looks more like Smudge’s pee.”

This will go on and on it until we become like attorneys for our respective dogs, arguing our case using evidence such as:

1. Alibis

2. Character witnesses

3. Which dog was let out most recently

4. Analysis of the Crime Scene, and

5. Motives

After our closing statements, the result is always the same: Hung Jury. Tied 1-1. So we just grumble and eventually forget about it. Until the next pee stain is discovered.

I really think this is the dogs’ idea of a joke. They know if they pee in their own homes while they are by themselves, they’ll get into Big Trouble. But if they are together and no one gets caught in the act, neither one can get convicted later when it is discovered. They probably discuss the plot in some dog-sniffing language:

Fred: “Smudge, do you feel a pee coming on?”

Smudge: “Yup. Just drank a gallon of water.”

Fred: “Heh heh! Good. Okay, wait a second until I tell you the coast is clear. Try and get it in the walkway so one of them steps in it.”

Smudge: “Are we a go?”

Fred: “Wait…wait…wait…NOW NOW NOW!!”

Smudge: “Ahhhh…”

They then walk off to their hiding places, waiting to watch the show. Later on they’ll share the stories of what they saw and laugh so hard they'll be on their backs with drool coming out of their mouths.

“Did you see the look on his face?” One of them will say. “HAHAHAHA!!”

Sneaky damn dogs. Next time I'll get Sankara Stones instead.


  1. I've got the same thing going on with my dog, and my daughter's dog. It's all about marking territory, because well, that's what they do. We've actually figured out whose pee spot is who's. That's because we fight over who has to clean it up.

    Damn, those Indiana Jones flicks were watched often in our house. We videotaped them. I'm more into the blarney stone though.

    `Carrie. queen of profile deletion.

  2. dogs suck. mine like to step in each others crap and spread it around.

  3. So I see that Dogs have the conversation as cats! Hahaha......this was entertaining and I must keep it short. I dont need Bonkers and Georgia getting any ideas from your blog.
    Bonkers and Georgia are my 2 cats that seem to think that 1. My steps are Nascar 2. When I close the bathroom door, they have to scratch the hell out of it in every effort to save me from "whats behind the door" .
    Ok HEre comes Bonkers.....gotta go......

  4. What pisses me off this "marking territory" business. The last time I checked, NO dog has ever paid me a penny of rent. This is MY territory. Maybe *I* should pee in my living room.

  5. Now THAT was funny! I laughed through the entire thing. Your family is a great bunch, Joe. And as for the dogs...give them extra treats for me!!

  6. it's more than likley YOUR dog! I'm sure your ego has rubbed off on him :)~

    My cats do that and cat piss is WAYYYY worse than doggie pee. It's a territorial thing (or Smudge has a Joe ego;)

    Have fun scrubbing carpets.


  7. yeah my pit bulls were like that...everytime someone else brought a dog over I made both stay out side for that very reason....too much pee!

  8. The simple solution is the blame both dogs.

  9. Leave it to a couple of dudes to argue about the pee instead of clean it up.

  10. True story: my dad just walks over to the stain with some carpet cleaner spray, sprays it, AND WALKS AWAY! I tell him, "DAD! You're supposed to try to sop up as much of it as possible with a towel first!"

    I bet he would have at HIS house.

  11. Your dad is doing it right. When you try and sop it up, you push it down, then you never get it back and it starts to stink. I just spray with Oxy burst..."Family Dollar Store" brand, (that means it only costs $1) and it disappears in a day or two. I'm not kidding. It works for all your pee, tar, blood, and grass stain needs.

    "From the makers of oxyburst" Joe, you said the royalty check was in the mail...right?

    I know....time to delete.xoxo

  12. "Leave it to a couple of dudes to argue about the pee instead of clean it up"

    So true, Sock! So true! :)

  13. "Maybe *I* should pee in my living room."

    I dunno...seems like your penis has a full time job just with the blogging. :-)

  14. Housebreaking a of my newest least favorite chores.

    Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom - my least favorite of the 3. Although, when the one dude is getting his heart ripped out of his chest and he has that very terrified/surprised expression.... that's what my hubby looked like the first time I had a baby, so it turned out to be a good reference.

    Please come back and fight with me about football!! lol

  15. You know what's worse? Your sister in law visiting with her dog who poops all over your floor and eats your pillows and when you confront her she says "oh my dog didn't do that." Well whose then? I don't have a dog! And then your mother in law looks down at the totally not solid poo and says "just think of it as carpet cleaner" and RUBS IT IN WITH HER SHOE. I still want to hurl just thinking about it.

  16. ALANA! What the hell kind of in-laws do you HAVE?!?! LOL!

    You poor thing. :-)

  17. Well, obviously they're all insane! The worst part is the held back on the crazy until after the wedding. Then the crazy just exploded. Luckily I'm in Mass and they live in Florida...hmmm, isn't that where you are?

  18. As funny as that was, I now picture you living in a house full of piss.


  19. The simple solution is the blame both dogs.

  20. dogs suck. mine like to step in each others crap and spread it around.


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