Monday, June 18, 2007

The Wasp Exterminator

Due to the embarrassing nature of this story, I have to keep the person featured in it completely anonymous. So, no matter how many times you Loyal Readers ask, I absolutely will not reveal that it was my sister Lori.

Whoops. I guess there goes that. Anyway, she called me today to tell me there had been a slight emergency in her household. It seems two wasps were flying around in the large upstairs bedroom where my niece and nephew were playing. They screamed for their mother’s help.

No big deal. Lori is a veteran “home engineer” and was prepared. She had never had to use it before, but she kept on hand a can of special insecticide spray made especially for wasps. It kills nearly on contact, and you can shoot it from as far as 20 feet away.

“Of course, the tricky part was aiming it,” she said.

Makes sense. A wasp isn’t very big, so hitting two of them from 20 feet away would be no small feat. And missing could be very dangerous, as the wasps might get angry and come after her. However, this was no time for fear; she had her children’s safety to think about. So, she waited until the wasps settled in one place, aimed, and fired.

Unfortunately, her aim was slightly off, inasmuch as she shot herself directly in the face.

“AAAUGH!” Lori exclaimed, dropping the can. “I’M THE STUPIDEST PERSON I KNOW!” *

She then blindly stumbled downstairs until she could get to a sink to rinse out her eyes. Luckily, she was okay; nothing a little cold water couldn’t take care of. She climbed back upstairs just in time to duck from almost getting sprayed again, this time by her son. Apparently, Bo picked up the can and started shooting at the wasps himself. Only he decided he didn’t need any namby-pamby sissy aiming method such as waiting for them to settle on a surface. He was going guns-a-blazin’ wherever they flew.

“There was insecticide everywhere,” said Lori.

Finally, having secured the can back from her son, she successfully killed the two wasps by shooting them when they landed near the window.

“The wasps were dead,” she said. “But when I told my husband about the whole ordeal later, he took my can of mace away.”




*Her words, not mine. I promise.





45 comments:

  1. FREAKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!

    Thank God the children and Lori were ok.
    Damn wasps! they seem to think they can do anything because they have a big penis! No, wait.Wasps have stingers.

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  2. Hey that first comment was me. Kat. From myspace. Im blond. Please teach me how to comment.

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  3. ahhahahhahaha how can you not love her....that is awesome!

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  4. Your poor sister, Joe! But what a wonderfully hysterical story. Thanks for the chuckle!

    Has Lori seen how pretty you look in dots?

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  5. LMAO....your sister sounds as entertaining as you Joe!!

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  6. My sister is hilarious. We honestly tell each other jokes that no one else in the world would ever get.

    Lori thinks the dots look okay. An improvement over before, anyway. :-)

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  7. HAHAHAHAHA!
    I think your sister and I would be good friends.

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  8. I guess we know she really is related to you, then, don't we?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well Joe, I followed you over here from Myspace because you PROMISED absolute safety....and no talking penises.

    I'm disappointed...no penises were harmed or mentioned in the makin of this story, unless wasp have penises

    anonymously yours truly, *Amy* from Myspace

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  10. Hmm, I posted a comment but it did not show. I said that that sounds just like something I would do and that her husband sounds like mine in that he is alway's having to safety proof everything so I don't kill myself.

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  11. ASSILEM, I don;t know why it disappeared. All comments also go to my e-mail, and I DID get the e-mail, so I read it. Thanks for the comment!

    :-)

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  12. My wife (Lori)is lucky to be alive. This stuff happens all the time. It's a good thing I stay on the couch and avoid Lori's collisions of life.

    My couch is my shelter from the stumble bum. Oh...and it keeps me safe from work, responsibility in killing bugs and raising the two children.

    I must commend by Brother Joe for reveling the things that I must avoid on a daily basis.

    Now if you don't mind, I shall get off my couch and go to bed wearing my construction helmet.

    Doug

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  13. You should be commended for your efforts to stay on the couch through all this, Doug.

    :-)

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  14. If only this couch had a toilet,

    Doug

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  15. You could always just cut a hole in it, Doug.

    (Don't give Lori the saw.)

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  16. Techincally, don't his ass-imprints already count as two holes?

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  17. Ok, I'm reading the story & having a few chuckles picturing the entire scenario in my head with your sister & nephew using a can of Raid...Needless to say when I read the word "mace", I had to pause a moment. That was funny!!!

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  18. Oh man, that sucks. I hate it when that happens. Fortunately I was only using windex to kill a spider when it happened to me. (;

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  19. My brother-in-law no longer trusted my sis with mace. He's still on the fence about hairspray.

    You can kill spiders with Windex?

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  20. Dear, dear, dear...isn't it great when the blog entries practically write themselves?!?!? :-) :-) :-)

    Anyway, glad they're all ok and that Doug didn't have to reposition himself from the couch. I imagine buying organic fruit will be sort of a moot point for her for awhile...\

    ReplyDelete
  21. Perspective Girl6/19/2007 01:27:00 AM

    I would have just shut the window and hid...I don't like stingers...

    Oh...and Assilem's comment is over on your announcement for the penis blog...

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  22. heh...once I maced myself in the face...

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  23. Oh Lord. That's funny. Don't you have to call poison control if you get it in your eyes or something?
    I totally would've sprayed myself in the face and would've come back to find Makenzie blasting everything, including me in the face, AGAIN! You and your sis seem alot alike. Does uncle Joe ever come to the rescue? Nevermind. I doubt it :)) You seem like someone who would need rescuing in a 'situation'
    aDorkable

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  24. LOL!! I totally would've sprayed myself in the face too. Then would've come back to find Makenzie blastin everything, including me in the face AGAIN! Giggeling away. You and your sis seem alot alike. Does uncle Joe evercome to the rescue? Wait. Nevermind. I have a feeling you'd need rescuing in a 'situation' ;)
    aDorkable

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  25. this is weird and pissing me off. I thought when my comment disappered, I used a wrong screen name, password, didn't get the damn letter right....EERRRRRRR
    Oh well. You have two that say basically the same thing. PLEASE! FEEL FREE to DELETE one ;)
    What a dork!!

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  26. Amanda, I think it's time to quit the crack.

    ;-)

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  27. Amanda:Blog Comments::Lori:Wasp Spray

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  28. Sock, are those the keywords for this comment section?

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  29. Funny. I can almost see it happening. I could understand the husband confiscating the mace. Hehehehe

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  30. Random comment but I lurk sometimes on two peas and I just have to say everytime I see your posts I laugh. And I think you are hot. Not to give you a bigger head or anything. ;)

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  31. Okay, anonymous...that is SO unfair.

    ;-)

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  32. It may not be fair, but after reading your last post... it doesn't look like you are much into being fair... Had to give you a hard time. You have a great personality and you are hot... but man you have a big ego. Though I think you are all talk. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Well, I AM getting older. Plus, with the mortgage market going the way it is, I AM going broke. So let me check...


    Nope...no problem with the ego yet.

    :-)

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  34. random girl again :)6/23/2007 08:19:00 PM

    Hmmm... well I do have money. And I am not in the mortgage industry. If you are bored and want to email some random girl who thinks you are cute my email address is starbrightly88@aol.com. Oh and I was not born in 88... just in case you are worried. What can I say, I find you quite entertaining. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  35. random girl again :)4/19/2011 01:59:00 AM

    Hmmm... well I do have money. And I am not in the mortgage industry. If you are bored and want to email some random girl who thinks you are cute my email address is starbrightly88@aol.com. Oh and I was not born in 88... just in case you are worried. What can I say, I find you quite entertaining. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  36. It may not be fair, but after reading your last post... it doesn't look like you are much into being fair... Had to give you a hard time. You have a great personality and you are hot... but man you have a big ego. Though I think you are all talk. :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Perspective Girl4/19/2011 01:59:00 AM

    I would have just shut the window and hid...I don't like stingers...

    Oh...and Assilem's comment is over on your announcement for the penis blog...

    ReplyDelete
  38. Dear, dear, dear...isn't it great when the blog entries practically write themselves?!?!? :-) :-) :-)

    Anyway, glad they're all ok and that Doug didn't have to reposition himself from the couch. I imagine buying organic fruit will be sort of a moot point for her for awhile...\

    ReplyDelete
  39. If only this couch had a toilet,

    Doug

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hmm, I posted a comment but it did not show. I said that that sounds just like something I would do and that her husband sounds like mine in that he is alway's having to safety proof everything so I don't kill myself.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I guess we know she really is related to you, then, don't we?

    ReplyDelete
  42. LMAO....your sister sounds as entertaining as you Joe!!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Your poor sister, Joe! But what a wonderfully hysterical story. Thanks for the chuckle!

    Has Lori seen how pretty you look in dots?

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hey that first comment was me. Kat. From myspace. Im blond. Please teach me how to comment.

    ReplyDelete

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